Should I be the bigger person or cut off MIL?

DreamTheMoors · 25/11/2024 00:05

@ThatCandidTraybake

When I was very young, maybe 3, my dad’s mum was visiting - super rare.
She helped me make my bed and my “blankie” was there. Instead of folding it or putting it aside, she shamed me for being a baby for having it. She made me feel terrible about myself - truly awful.
Earlier, when I was about 2&1/2, we were at her ranch visiting and my dad was holding me while he and she stood at the corral - one of them handed me a carrot to feed the horses, and I snapped off the end, having no idea what to do, being 2 and all. Nana snatched both ends of the carrot out of my little hands and clucked and said that’s NOT how you do it and fed the horse herself. I just remembered that.
When I was 8, she sold the ranch and moved to a flat - there was a pool, so my sister and I went swimming. Nana waited until we were alone and criticised my little girl’s one-piece swimsuit. My mum had bought it - it had zebra stripes. I was 8. She tried to shame me again. I don’t know why.
After that, I made sure to avoid her and made sure to never catch myself alone with her again.
So if you don’t separate your kids from your MIL, eventually they’ll do it themselves without any assistance from you. I guarantee it.

Autienotnaughtie · 31/03/2024 03:26

I'd step back from her. Block her on your phone/sm . Your dh can visit her and take lo. Although be clear no negative comments from her in front of your lo.

Libraview · 31/03/2024 02:00

all seems a tad contrived

anareen · 31/03/2024 00:08

I would be so done. She would not be welcome in my home or around my children. If your husband wants to visit with her he can go to her house alone. It does sound like he is supportive of you though so that's wonderful! I don't get the impression that he would be very "sad" with greatly distancing from her.

Minata · 31/03/2024 00:03

Why do people use the excuse of relationships with grandparents as a reason to justify this type of behaviour. If she can't be civil to you, do you really think she won't do this in front of your child? You want to normalise her bad treatment of you to your child? You heard it with your own ears how nasty she is about you and you think this is someone that deserves to share any space with you?

Concannon88 · 30/03/2024 23:57

ThatCandidTraybake · 26/03/2024 09:54

Me and my partner have been together nearly 8 years. He has always had a very ‘close’ relationship with his mum- not deep close as in purely surface level, she could not tell you the names of his friends, significant moments of his life, his favourite music/food, his deepest dreams and goals. Close purely in the talking every single day, upset if not responded to within minutes kind of clinginess.

I always felt like she never liked me from the offset because I didn’t reply to the 20+ texts in a row. She used to assert her dominance over him by randomly showing up at his house and entering (with her own key), walking in on me in bed and randomly decorating his house when we were not home. If I had left jewellery on the kitchen counter, it would be ‘missing’ when I returned home albeit to a clean kitchen. Notable occurrence was a taxidermy figure displayed in the hall when I arrived home one day.

When he worked away for a long period of time, she used to complain and hate when he would come home and want to see me or his friends instead of spending time with her - even though he was only home for 1.5 days then away again, very fleeting visits.

Covid was a blessing for us as we had a valid reason not to see her, since she always caused a huge stress, made passive aggressive comments and general headache. Over the years she has become significantly more dependent with age, however she gets around no problem but likes to ‘call upon’ her precious son to do tasks for her immediately. Doing it later when he was free was never an option

Fast forward to now, we have great jobs, our dream home - which they do NOT have a key to - a gorgeous little toddler and a few pets. LIFE IS GOOD. Except for the in-laws (MIL specifically!) There are times where we need their help with a few things and sometimes they come without strings but almost always there’s visits attached, which I oblige and sit and listen to their stories for hours. They are completely uninterested in anyone but themselves and generally spend most of the time complaining about the other family in their life. Because of this we rarely see them, maybe once every few weeks, as it takes a lot out of us who work full time and lead busy lives. This is not good enough for them and they always complain it’s not enough.

On the occasions where they have been in our company, she has made horribly insulting comments - about my 5 month old child’s weight, saying they are fat and need to wear dark colours to appear more slimming, shaming or showing next to no interest as they grow up and try to engage with their grandparents. ‘Oh they are nearly crawling’, ‘maybe they will start talking properly soon’. All the while my child is actively ahead for their age and happily trying to get their grandparents attention.

I would rather my child did not have to be in the presence of these harmful negative comments and people however they are still my partners parents.

Recently my MIL accidentally sent a voice note to my partner, where she is complaining about me and my family to random people in her community group, and saying that ‘her friend tells her that her son needs to get some balls and come to her house on his own with the grandchild more often’. This has obviously caused a lot of upset for my partner to hear, I always knew she had a nasty streak but masked it behind this ‘innocent little bird’ act. But it’s now clear as day the way she speaks about her family.

Part of me is not surprised but I’m in disbelief that she insists on sharing this cruel lies about her sons own family when they are invited around most weeks and choose not to come because they have more important things to do with their community group. They also couldn’t possibly believe their son doesn’t want to see them and it must all be me.

Where do I go from here? I’m torn between being the bigger person and not allowing her to make me look like the bad guy by refusing her any more access to my son without my presence. And just being done with the whole situation, it’s so horrible feeling this way and I feel so sorry for my partner growing up with such self absorbed parents. We are incredibly lucky to have an amazing support network in my family but how would you approach the MIL?

Really appreciate your advice x

You had me up to the point you said you need their help and a visit is always attached. Well yeah, you can't use them and then tell them to fuck off. Don't ask people you don't like for favours? Also, your mil is right, her son does need to grow some balls and tell her to check her attitude and behaviour

Delphiniumandlupins · 30/03/2024 19:48

Well done to your DH and you. Just stick to your boundaries now. It doesn't suit you to have them just drop in, without prior arrangement, so if they want to visit it needs to be on your terms.

Americano75 · 30/03/2024 18:04

Honestly, I'd have cut her off long ago. She's a disgrace.

Sbishka · 30/03/2024 17:45

OK, so here are the problems:

She doesn't like you (potentially might not like any partner her son has).
She oversteps boundaries.
She is tactless.
She talks too much and is boring.
She is not truly interested in her own son.

I honestly get your irritation and upset with her, but there is not a lot you can do except be in her presence less. It sounds like she has a terrible personality. Does your dh agree? How does he feel about number 5?

I didn't get along with my MIL for a chunk of time when I had small kids (she didn't much like kids) so I just made dh go on his own maybe 3 times out of 4. I had plenty better things to do. The difference was I knew she wouldn't manipulate the children and your MIL seems like the sort who would try it, so best tutor your dh in what that looks like.

Duechristmas · 30/03/2024 17:42

Boomer55 · 26/03/2024 16:47

Seems like a lot of drama about very little.🙄

Show quote history

It's death by a thousand cuts, people have a choice whether to accept it or protect their own health and wellbeing.

Duechristmas · 30/03/2024 17:38

My mum's like this. Again covid opened our eyes to her antics. We now see my parents for one hour once a week (we live nearby) and ALWAYS together so she can't 'divide and conquer'. My friend suggested rather than dwelling on the negatives, I count them up, now we laugh on the way home about the awful things she says.
My kids are older and able to handle themselves so they see my parents on their own terms with no pressure from me.
This is a reasonable compromise and prevents them from being able to say we don't make the effort.

NoThanksymm · 30/03/2024 15:45

Ugh. I feel you. We might have the same MIL. No kids yet for us, but I hear the way she talks about her daughter and it makes me sick.

anyway.

your husbands family, your husbands problem, you and your husbands decision - but he has to make it, you just get to be the sounding board, because you cannot actually be the one to split his family.

advice. Keep your distance. Continue to be present with them if your kids are there, a five month old fat shaming… you need to be there. And start calling her out. But really it’s your husbands that needs to start calling her out. ‘That’s inappropriate, they are five months’, ‘I think you are mis- remembering when kids start to speak’.

anyway. Good luck. And sorry your husbands family sucks.

oh and just know, no matter what you do, they will be complaining about you. So don’t put much thought there.

Btowngirl · 30/03/2024 09:54

If it wasn’t for the harmful and negative comments about my child I would be the bigger person. However there’s absolutely no one in my life I would allow to use damaging language around my child more than once, I would be having a direct word about the type of attitude towards my little one (with my partner there for support) and make it clear that was the one and only time it happens. If it happens again I would cut contact.

BronzeAge · 30/03/2024 09:41

Honestly, OP, you complain about your DH not actual speaking to his parents about their behaviour, but don’t sound good at being direct yourself either. For instance, did you ask why your MIL apparently stole your jewellery and your taxidermy? Did you get them back?

Mamagill67 · 30/03/2024 09:34

I had to stop contact with my MIL, she tried to destroy my life and even told our daughter that my husband’s ex wife was better at this, that and the other. The ex wife whose life she tried to destroy when they were together! But then became bosom buddies in this attempt at destruction. My husband still visited on his own but they were shorter and shorter and as soon as she started with her nastiness, he would leave. Practically her whole family cut her off one by one as she was always trying to stir trouble. I didn’t shed a tear when she died and was told her behaviour was because she was old and ill. I replied ‘she’s been old and ill all her life then?’ My FIL by contrast was one of the loveliest people you could ever meet and I would have happily spent time every day with him. Do what is right for you and your family and don’t get sucked in. I wish you all the best

SunshinDay · 30/03/2024 09:16

Of course it's not acceptable op!!

Dreadful behaviour and no one is making her say horrid things or move your stuff around etc.
Commenting on on the child is not OK.

It call sounds good incredibly negative and toxic

Nettie1964 · 30/03/2024 08:53

I had a lovely MIL but my father in law was a nightmare and sounds v similar to your MIL. If you are going to maintain a relationship you have to be tough. Dont ignore dispaging comments countrr them immediately and repeat. Do says your chold is fat tell her thats shes being rude and that your child is well within the normal perventiles and repeat if challenged. My husband used to take the kids at the weekend. FiL wouls say thing like what has she chucked you out so she can relax. My husband used to say "she doesnt want to waste the weekend seeing you" and lauhh. We saw them on family occasions . We used to laugh about him. When FIL realised we wernt going to play he became a lot more managable. Glad your husband is on ur side. Dont worry about it, small part of your life. Who cares what their friends think. Good luck.

Lavenderblue11 · 30/03/2024 08:52

takealettermsjones · 26/03/2024 10:18

I might be misunderstanding here but it sounds like you've solved the overbearing problem (i.e. they don't have a key to your house any more) and now the issue is that you have to "endure" their visits when you want something from them? Oh and they make comments like "maybe he'll be crawling soon"?

I was thinking this too. OP has virtually cut MIL out of their lives anyway.

DontBeADick11 · 30/03/2024 08:51

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 26/03/2024 10:22

I didn’t ever have a mother in law and I’m really sad that I didn’t ever get to meet her. My father in law was an horrid person who actively hated me. In the end I withdrew from seeing him but I didn’t ever seek to stop him from seeing my husband or our children because they were entitled to a relationship with him. In the end my father in law said some pretty appalling things about one of our children and my husband cut off contact with him. It took me years to get my husband to resume contact and I persevered because I love him and I didn’t want him to regret having lost his relationship with his dad and I especially didn’t want him to be able to blame me for not seeing his father.
I see such a lot of posts here which appear to me to be looking for encouragement to go non contact with in laws. Some people may have no choice but we only hear one side of the story here. Men are often a bit rubbish at keeping up social contacts but your husband does talk to his mum, perhaps he would prefer it if relations were more cordial?
It’s not a competition for who is the dominant female in your husband’s life, you have different roles. Could you talk to your mother in law in a spirit of kindness about how you are feeling and how she feels?
I have two daughters in law they are very different but I’m fond of them both and see both families regularly in fact I’m off on a short break with my younger son and family tomorrow. It can work beautifully, I know that my son’s wives and families are their top priority and my lovely daughters in law know my husband and I still hold an important place in our sons hearts and have valuable love for our grandchildren.
I hope you try at least because if nothing else if you ever have a son yourself you will be teaching him what his future relationship with you should look like once he has a partner of his own.

Honestly don’t understand your point. Your FIL was horrid and sometimes we have to cut toxic people out of our lives, and our children’s for that matter. If someone was that bad, I wouldn’t think twice about limiting or cutting off contact. Trauma is real, and I wouldn’t hesitate stopping someone inflicting it on my family. Why would you spend years trying to get your husband to rebuild his relationship with his dad?! The mind boggles. It is never the ‘childs’ fault when contact with a toxic parent is cut off. It may be their choice but it’s not their fault and it is down to the parent to repair.

Original poster

ThatCandidTraybake · 28/03/2024 19:56

To add… we both agreed that any harmful comments made need to be cut off immediately when said. It needs to come from him primarily, as they brush me off 99% of the time however it’s both of us as a united front

I personally don’t think these things should need to be reiterated in the first place not to bring up anyone’s weight, appearance or rude comments but they need to be called out more severely - which we have both admitted we will be taking seriously when they happen again.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatCandidTraybake · 28/03/2024 19:45

Update:

my partner spoke to his mum about her voice note and said it wasn’t nice hearing her tell her community group he needs to grow a pair of balls, and talk badly about his family. She was very apologetic and blamed not seeing her grandchild often enough. To which he replied she is invited round most weeks and refuses - she said they want to just pop in whenever they want not be given a day/time…

I was really proud of him communicating with her as usually he waits until they leave to voice all his issues to me, which obviously makes me look like the bad guy when he never says his peace to their faces. He also brought up whenever they do visit they barely show any interest in grandchild and spend the whole time just talking (about themselves), so if they are going to complain to others about missing the GC they need to actually spend quality time with them.

overall things are much more positive now, I wrote this post in an immediate reaction of upset they were talking so poorly about their own son and family, don’t want to be naive and expect things to change overnight but I’m glad the whole situation happened as it allowed my partner to stick up for himself and have really honest conversation with his mum about boundaries and expectations

OP posts:

Cammac · 28/03/2024 16:56

This is just another wind them up and watch them froth thread.

BoohooWoohoo · 28/03/2024 10:32

I’m baffled at your thought processes.

You ask for help but dread spending time with them. Asking for help from her encourages her to treat you and your h as young children.
You think that pretending that you didn’t hear her voicenote is “kindness when she’s treating you like a doormat and wiping her muddy feet on you.
She says things like your 5 month old is fat and makes comments about how much they eat yet you allow contact with your child?

I am not saying that your MIL is behaving reasonably but you have no control over her behaviour and can only control yours. You and your h are the parents here and should at least be protecting your child who should be able to enjoy their food in peace and not grow up worried about their looks. Your h may not be ready to take steps but you need to look out for your child imo because no grandparent is better than toxic grandparent.

lifeonapersiancarpet · 28/03/2024 10:31

takealettermsjones · 26/03/2024 10:18

I might be misunderstanding here but it sounds like you've solved the overbearing problem (i.e. they don't have a key to your house any more) and now the issue is that you have to "endure" their visits when you want something from them? Oh and they make comments like "maybe he'll be crawling soon"?

This

Catwench · 28/03/2024 10:16

I’ve just refused access to my in laws, I had lots of abuse and they are trying to gas light my husband as they have done for years. I’ve told him if he wants to see them he can go there as can’t control him, however I’ve also said they are not welcome here. They’ve not taken it well but I wish I had done it 2 years ago. Some people are not worth repeatedly worth trying with. I’ve never asked them for anything other than respect so they have nothing to accuse me of that’s not lies. Make sure everything is clear your side so they can’t accuse you of anything and make sure you provide a valid reason which you can repeatedly back up. My husband keeps trying to look at it from their point of view but ultimately has now seen their true colours.