Keeping pension quiet?

Interestingly mumsnet is all about couples having shared finances when want to access the monies. However when it’s safeguarding female money, it’s all hell yes. Sshhh don’t say a word

Let’s do this as a reverse. DH bought most of the house prior to marrying OP, but they jointly paid around 20%. DH has only worked sporadically for the last 25 years, being supportive of OPs career which involved a lot of travelling. DH has a pension from before he met OP - is it fair that after 25 years of marriage he keeps that money to himself, after 25 years of marriage?

It would likely be more than 20 (assuming a year or two together before they married), and I’m not sure many people would consider that “a few”, hence my query.

It’s not that hard @usernamealreadytaken. A few years can mean any number - in this case it clearly means 15.

But you said you’ve been together 25 years and have only just paid off the mortgage.

We've been together 25 years, married for nearly 20 years and I've worked sporadically during that time. DH's job takes him abroad and I follow. I'd also paid 20 years of the 25 year mortgage on my own, before we paid it off a few years ago.

Did you pay 20 years before you met, then take a 20 year mortgage holiday, and finish paying it a few years ago?

Er - she paid 20 years of a 25 year mortgage before they even met. He’s shit with money and when she finally told him about the pension pot he admitted his first thought was a new car and a trip to Australia. Depends on whose finances you’re sharing doesn’t it ?

i cant believe some of the comments in thus post , comprehension is clearly not some peoples strong point, its obvious you had the house before you met him and had paid 20 years if the mortgage. However you know your relationship best and that pensions was accrued before you met . If you want some security then keep it to yourself

Good outcome OP

So would I

Great update OP.

I am so pleased she told him.

Add your extra money to your pension pot. Women are a lot poorer than men at this stage of their lives.

Oh I don’t know - he’s got a half share of a mortgage free house that hasn’t cost him a penny. I think @Seperateaccount has probably shared enough, don’t you?

People, the OP updated at 16.48. All resolved to both their satisfaction.

Clearly shared finances in a marriage only apply one way for people like you. I hope he finds out

What ThisMama1 says is absolutely right, IMO.

Planning your finances for when you retire should have happened years ago!

If you are both now late 60s (which you must be to have worked for 25 years before you met him and now been married for 25 years), it's late in the day to start these discussions.

I honestly don't know how you can be married to someone who has such a different approach to money compared to you.

I expect he feels he landed on his feet marrying someone with her own home, practically paid for, and that's why he's never really been a saver or someone who has sat down and seriously thought about money.

He's had it all too easy.

Presumably he has other redeeming features.

I think if it were a man asking these questions it would be perceived differently. Also depending when you were married he's actually entitled to half the pension! I have a friend whose mum is retiring happily because she's got half her dads (who she divorced when my 35 Yr old friend was 10) pension.

Just be honest.

He spends all the income and you can only buy things if you use a credit card? How bizarre. I think you have bigger problems that just the lump sum issue

I haven't read all the comments but I am shocked that the majority who have voted don't think you're unreasonable... if this was a man saying they were going to be secretive about their money while in a marriage people on MN would be screaming for blood!

This is so dishonest of you OP - if you are in a loving relationship you shouldn't be doing this in my opinion. Imagine how you feel if the shoe was on the other foot!

Having experienced the NHS for elderly parents, you really need savings.

I understand what you are saying OP. You want to put this money away for emergencies/savings whereas your DH would want to spend it. It’s not that you want to keep aside & secretly spend it yourself, you just don’t want to splash out on things now that you don’t need then be without savings if needed in future.

i think some ppl are viewing as you’ve got this secret money that you’re going to spend all on yourself without a second thought to DH, but actually you’re thinking about both your futures together. You just don’t want him buying a new car or a 4 wk holiday to Australia with it!

I'd be a bit pissed off if my wife had secret income and was spending it whilst I was putting more in to the general fund, but if you plan to save it all then go for it.

Why don't you tell him that you're getting a pension you'd forgotten about soon and you're going to put it in savings?
I don't understand the need for the secrecy at all.

Any woman in a relationship with a man is wise to have an escape fund. Keep this money in a separate bank account that he knows nothing about.