Keeping pension quiet?

Did you read the bit where I made it crystal clear I was talking about being in the OP's shoes?

How is this even remotely similar to the OP's DH?

We have totally shared finances, but a few years ago HIS step mother left me a large sum, and he assumed that it was his to do what he wished with. I put it into a separate ISA, which he knows about, but when he wants to buy something big, he assumes that he can spend it, but when I want to, it is "wasting money we might need for our future care".

You say nearing retirement, so if you are still earning, you can feed some into a current pension - do you need the lump sum?
You can do one of 2 things, tell him and tell him that you are going to save it into a nest egg, or tell him nothing and do it anyway. None of us know what the future will hold and being a little older than you, I do feel frightened about the lack of affordable care, and access to funding.

Don’t take any notice of the critics with their perfect relationships and smug responses…..
Just keep it quiet and in an account in your own name where only you can decide what to do with it

I'd keep it in a separate account. You have in effect had separate financial affairs ie you mostly bought the house. And it's money you accumulated from before you met him.
It's would be better to tell him what you're doing though.

I think I sort of get it.
I need to be financially secure. Okay we've been to the edge, with husband losing job October and starting new Job Jan 1st.
I need 2 months mortgage in the bank. We spent my 2 months mortgage buffer staying afloat, no heating over winter and we were running on fumes.
We've spent over 20 years married. We've both been made redundant several times.
It will take us 8-12 months and going without, to build up another buffer.
So I get it.
Or I think I do. Or I don't.
Do you want the secret bank account for financial security, or to leave your husband, or because you don't trust him and want to spend the money differently?
My husband absolutely knows I need to be able to pay for the roof over our heads and the bills.
But you are being deceptive to your husband? Either he's reckless or you're planning for divorce?

I get you, also have a dh who would find ways to spend it on things we don't need lol 😆

I would have no qualms about this at all. Do it. If the shit ever hits the fan, it’s there. I used to have a nice things account that I would pop money into every month. Didn’t always spend it and it grew to quite a sum. Enough for a weekend away for both of us actually!

Sounds like a healthy relationship, if you are having to hide stuff from each other. Not much Trust by the sounds of it.

It’s your pension to do as choose with. I’d keep it as a safety net. Me and DH have always had separate finances, we both contributed over the years varying proportions but he still has his own savings / pensions and when I retire I will have mine. We pool our resources when we need to and it works for us. I’ve always been financially independent and don’t plan on changing it when I retire in a few years

TBF I’m the ‘shit with money’ one in our marriage. Turns out my DH has been squirrelling some money away for our DC and home improvements without my knowledge and I was dead chuffed when I found out we had a couple of grand saved for the house and our DC has a healthy little nest egg building up. That said the money is still both of ours as we pool all our finances. I wasn’t upset by it.

“Shit life chucking everything on credit”?! Not everyone putting things on credit card are in debt? If I can’t use cash I use my credit card for everything - they generally all come with rewards; cash back, air miles, vouchers etc. I’m not in any credit card debt, I pay it off every month!

i also save every month!

@determinedtomakethiswork
100 %

English law allows adults even if married to keep their finances secret if they choose (unless they divorce) other than having to let HMRC know if high income means no child benefit entitlement or if claiming benefits. Husband sounds like a huge wasteful spender and wife had 20 years paying off a mortgage before she even met him so sounds like the pension should be kept quiet. Remember pensions are taxable and will need to go on the individual's tax return but that is also confidential from your spouse.

Absolutely!

you need a secret stash should you ever separate

Personally, I would tell him about it but have it paid into your own bank account & use the money for what you want.

Squirrel it away.

Everyone should have a bit of back up and I don’t see any problem in you having some savings in case of a rainy day.

Ok some people might say your married share the details but you had this before you’d married so yes set up a secret account keep it as your nest egg; does he have to know everything about every penny you have or don’t have go with your gut you can’t go wrong then

You’ve done the right thing here. I never once read it as you had the intention to keep it all for yourself, just to protect it from being frittered away.

Maybe you need to ask your yourself how you would feel if you found out your DH was lying to you about something major. Because that is what you are intending to do. It may be a deal breaker for him (not the money but the lies). If your marriage is based on dishonesty go ahead. If not tell him, and put it away safely. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I'd say you ABU because why lie just be honest and say you want to put it to one side and creat a nest egg not spend it. I don't think any relationship is secure if it's based on lies and hiding money etc. Just explain what you've explained here to him.

No-one can be forced into spending their money and she didn't say he would force her, she said she could see her husband thinking he can go off on holidays and golf trips etc. No one can touch your money without permission and if she gives in and let's him spend it then that's her problem isn't it. You can only be abused if you allow yourself to be abused. This is coming from someone who was in an abusive controlling relationship for 3 yrs.