A word of warning to mums

cant the 15yr old babysit?

It’s hard OP and my mum still hasn’t got over me moving (with my then 7yrs old son she was very close to) 250 miles from wales to london. But I had to live my life for myself and not for my mum, same as your children. They may not stay forever. We all want to be close to our children so I hear you. I live 250 miles from my eldest now (he went back up that way at 18) and am planning for financial reasons to head back that way myself in 2yrs when youngest is 18, but no doubt at least 1 of my other 2 will stay near london for work and then I’ll still not to close to one or two of them location wise. I have a close relationship with my eldest, he’s 30 now and we go on holidays together a lot.

I dread this OP. I am literally counting down the days until my oldest DC goes to uni in September. Yes, yes I know they are meant to leave and have their own lives; I have brilliantly independent kids who can cook, clean the loo, hoover the stairs, sort the washing, etc, I have prepared them well. But, I dread them actually going. They will undoubtedly go to Australia and leave me 😭

This makes me think about those people who refuse to socialise without their children, how will they cope when their children move on? What will they be left with when they've had no life of their own?

To be fair I'd be pretty gutted if mine were long haul flights away. I wouldn't let them know but I'd feel it nonetheless. I'd like mine to spread their wings and create their own adult life but ideally a drive or train ride away.

My hope is that they will eventually settle down near us in London one day. They love this city and I had to push them to apply to universities away from here!

We are close so I am pretty sure we will stay in touch whatever happens.

It is really important young people are a bit ‘selfish’ otherwise they would never leave home and gain independence.

And I would never ever guilt mine into staying with me. That pushes people away emotionally and I never want to be a ‘duty’. If they see me I want it to be out of love and the fact I am awesome company. Not a ‘job’ to tick off!!

I think our generation is too child focussed (massive generalisation but still). We centre our children and prioritise them in a way our parents just didn’t for us. If you parented your teens as we were parented in the 90s your peer group would be horrified! We are far more involved in their lives and we are much closer to them as a result.

In many ways this is lovely in others not. Means when they leave it’s a harder blow than it was for our parents. This is just what I have observed!

The British have a long history of emigration, and about 400,000 Brits emigrate every year. The British diaspora is enormous.

That's literally the point of parenting

Put perfectly 😊

My sister and I both left the country we were born in so I fully expect my children to do something similar. They are adults and older teens now and their independence is scary I agree

That means you’ve done a good job and raised them to be confident and independent.
Are they in Aus/US permanently? I spent between 18-30 working abroad and backpacking (including 2 years in the US and two in Aus). Best thing I did. My parents saved up and came out on a few trips and we travelled together which was amazing.

You are allowed to be happy for them and proud of them but also sad and a bit broken. They aren’t mutually exclusive.

Mine are at university and I know at least one wants to work abroad if they can. I am steeling myself for that and will smile and congratulate them if it happens whilst being a bit heartbroken inside.

I also know that when they settle down, I will definitely drop down the pecking orders and their own families will come first. Which is absolutely how it should be.

It is sad when you are close but it is important they truly fly the nest. And that’s why also it is important that we forge and maintain identities outside parenthood. Through friends, hobbies, work etc. I have never lost sight of that. So many mums seem to have no life apart from their kids. It’s a risky route.

Presumably you could if you wanted to? You’ve got a 15 year old and that’s quite old enough to do a bit of baby sitting and let you have some time to yourself.

It's not just the British. Moving to another country isn't the norm for the majority of the world.

It's fantastic that people feel able to live the lives that they want to, and some people just have a desire to wander. There are pros and cons to each way of life.

But let's not pretend it's only the British where the majority of the population doesn't move away from family.

In my culture for example, multi-generational households are the norm. Maybe I would have felt differently if I had been used to not being around wider family if my parents had moved away without everyone else.

I'm a dd in my 40's and works away a lot, I travelled from 18 to 20 and lived in the US for 3 years, both my parents were really supportive, but I knew they missed me.

My lovely mum is no longer alive but I left the US to come home and be closer to my parents. Now it's just dad my sibling and I feel that just as they took care of us it's our turn to take care of dad, to be around and be there when he needs us. It was great being all over the world but nothing beats being close to my family.

I'm really grateful my parents taught me to be independent and follow my dreams I never felt tied. Yours might be the same op and later on come home again.

Yes, and then they can call us or video call.
Some people seem lost when children leave home.
After some adjusting, it's time for Mums to have a life and live.
I had a male friend seem to think, "They will leave one day."
I wouldn't be able to cope...he has no interests, whereas some of us do.
That being said, I have an adult child.
Get a cat or dog!

He was trouble. She was constantly being called in by the school until he was permanently excluded. She finally found a private school who were able to do something with him. Quite how he qualified for university is totally down to them. He tried to drop out at least twice and was call in by the university authorities but she managed to keep his place.

He was seen by numerous educational psychologists whilst at school and was given extra tuition but he never showed any gratitude or offered any apologies.

He finally graduated with a 3rd but only just.

Both her daughters qualified for medical school, dispute the disruption he caused within the family.

Hopefully he’ll stay in Australia.

Sure we love our kids but building your whole life around them is not healthy for the parents or children

No wonder people complain constantly about mental health issues

My 3 oldest adult children are living 2 -3 hours away. Visit regularly. It is the best outcome I think. When they have been overseas for a year I have felt panicky. I completely understand OP. Hopefully you will feel more relaxed as time goes on.

Our families ( DH’s and mine) are very scattered so I’m completely expecting mine to go off into the sunset. DD (18) has already made a start by choosing to go to a uni that’s a three-hour plane ride away! 😂

I suppose because it’s normal for us, It doesn’t bother me much. I wanted to bring up a family and I’m content with that choice, I suppose.

What was their relationship like over the years and before he left. It seems unlikely he’d not contact a parent he was close to. Regardless, she had a duty to care for him as a child so to say everything she did for him was a waste of time may be telling.

I understand where your coming from OP. My sister hasn’t heard from her son since he left university and emigrated to Australia. She freely admits that everything she did for him was just a waste of time ; if she had known she would have left him to get on with it.

I bet you miss them OP. Do you get to see them much? I hope my kids take opportunities like that but I’d miss them desperately. Thank goodness for FaceTime.

if your child is 15 could you leave them at home for a few hours every now and then so you can go out or go on a date?

Said no one who has ever been the single mother of dick head teens....

FYI all teens are dicks in greater or lesser amounts and being a single parent means that there is no escape.