A word of warning to mums

i have been working on subtle disparagement of Australia and New Zealand for years now. Unfair yes but they are too bloody far away. Europe is fine.

DH and I were the ones who did the moving. We were living in London. DT’s graduated Uni and got jobs - DD in Brussels and DS in Amsterdam. DH and I then moved 3,000 miles away to Quebec. Hasn’t impacted our close bond. I’m just delighted that they are independent young adults - DH and I congratulate ourselves on a job well done!

Ooooh 'eck. 😬I know they leave, but if my 2 left for another country, I would very upset. I know it's their life and they need to make their own way and so on, but I would find it very hard to deal with them both leaving for another country.

Mine (both mid 20s,) moved out a few years ago, (after they finished uni.) Both living with partners, and in their own home now. But they are only 15-20-ish miles away, and I can be with them - and they can be with me - within 20-25 minutes. (If we suddenly needed each other.)

DH has a work colleague (woman in her early 50s) whose son left to live in the far east 5 years ago aged 23 (only child...) She nearly had a breakdown. Especially through lockdown when she didn't see him at all. Went a whole year with no visits, just facetime and skype. Even now, she still cries some days because he is no longer there and has no plans to come back.

May seem like an extreme reaction to some, but her feelings are as valid as someone who isn't bothered! I know some people cope fine, and also, we have no right to decide our DCs lives, but I really would struggle with my 2 moving overseas/1000s of miles away.

A lady who lives near me has 3 children - all in their 20s, and all went to uni - 2 boys, 1 girl. They live 300, 400, and 500 miles away, (the 500 miles away one lives in Germany!) She says she misses them terribly, and wishes that at least ONE of them lived within 20 miles. Her reaction is not as extreme as the other lady with one son, but she looks sad sometimes when she mentions them.

They make their own way though, and we should be happy for them that they are independent. But it is a wrench when they leave, and as I said, I don't know how I would cope if my 2 left the country. I have never said this to them, and would not stop them/say anything/try to make them feel guilty, but deep down, I would be crushed if they moved abroad. Especially 3000+ miles away!

It's nice to have no childcare responsibilities and for your kids to be making their own way in life, but in my heart and soul, I desperately miss the days when they were little children, and I was the centre of their universe. They love me as much as I love them I know that, but most of the time, I feel like an outsider looking in on their lives from the outside.

I know several families with 12-20 family members living within 20 minutes walk of one another, including adult children and grandchildren - and they see each other 2-4 times a week, and I do envy them a bit. This was my life as a child, as a teenager, and as a 20-something... I had around 15 or 16 family members within a mile. And I do miss this.

We had lots of get-togethers, parties, and BBQs, and all met at the social club every Friday night with a few neighbours. And we had some lovely big happy family Christmases, with the house buzzing with visitors and people popping in and out all of Christmas day and Boxing day! Loved it.

(I see my adult DC twice a month by the way... And I have no grandkids at the moment...) As I said though, mine are still only 15-20 miles away, so it's not too bad I guess.

Another one with a disabled child who will never live independently, so not something I'll ever have to worry about.

I do however hope my other 2 children spread their wings, go off to explore the world and have all the fun and adventures and experiences they possibly can. But I hope they come back!! Couldn't imagine them living so far away.

Ok, I'll go against the grain. I would be devastated if mine went overseas, and I couldn't live overseas if they were in UK.

BUT I would not tell them that.

My husband and I will be advising our kids (currently at secondary school) to make a life outside the UK when they finish their education as this country is such a wreck. Maybe we'll live near one of them if that seems sensible/practical but I don't know. I can't really imagine what it would be like for them to be far away but I'm mentally prepared for it to happen but I get that it can be really tough if it wasn't what you're expecting.

I've lived in the same town my whole life, now a single parent to a primary aged child and my life feels very small. I hope to God my child experiences the world more than I have, I'd love nothing more.

Awww op 🥹 that's sad, good for them obvs, but of course sad for you. I know ill be gutted if any of my DC ever live miles away.

Obviously going off some of these comments though if they stay close I've done a shit job and raised anxious slobs who have no dreams or ambition 🤣🙄

I think that she feels like there was no point in having me as I don't live nearby. It hurts so much.

@Faradalla Yep, that’s my Dad’s attitude as well. I’m here to look after him and because I’m not physically nearby doing that, I’ve failed. Never mind that I organize fresh meal deliveries, a cleaner, moved him into supported living when he couldn’t cope in the house (he’s 85), etc. He’s always had a woman looking after him and since my SM died, that should be me. 😂

I think some of it is generational, tbh. My Mum was more forward-thinking and had me because she wanted to bring up a family, not to look after her in the future. I feel the same about my two, bringing up children was my choice, what they do as adults is theirs. 🤷

Gosh it's just terrible, isn't it? Over the recent years she has stopped explicitly telling me how awful me leaving was but she finds other ways to make her feelings known. Usually facial expressions when I mention anything were planning. I live in a tourist destination that people flock to and she loves telling anyone who will listen how boring she finds it. Any time I have general life problem, eg work, she always finds a way to inadvertently imply that I wouldn't be having that problem if I had stayed in the UK. I can't talk to her about anything now as she somehow, very skillfully, brings everything around to the fact that I chose this life, without any words.

Our relationship never recovered. All I ever wanted for her to tell me that she was proud of me for following my dreams or that she was happy for me to be having an adventure. I am in touch a lot and go home quite regularly but I think that she feels like there was no point in having me as I don't live nearby. It hurts so much.

If mine don't leave me, I'll leave them! I want to do more travelling.

And one of the things that makes it especially hard is the absolute necessity of not burdening them with your feelings. Being able to say that you miss them while making it about you not them. And waving them off with a smile.

It's how a lot of families are living, thank God for technology.
I encourage mine to spread their wings, see the world.
I'm a lone parent, we are close but l am looking forward to the next chapter of living my own life and happily watching my young adults live theirs, independently.

Of course them becoming independent and making their own lives is a source of joy, pride and satisfaction.

It is also utterly shit. It's possible to feel more than one thing at once-even contradictory things- about the same event. I hear you,
@BlondiesHaveMoreFun

I’ve lived abroad for several years @Faradalla and my Dad never ceases to remind me of how selfish I am, even though I ring him every day since he was widowed and fly over every few months. I help him with all sorts of things as so much can be done remotely now and ensure that other family members who live in his area keep in touch with him, but it’s never enough.

It’s taught me a valuable lesson not to do this to my own children if they leave, because it’s really horrible. My Mum, who moved around a lot herself, would never have done this, she encouraged me to take opportunities wherever they were.

So when DD picked a university that’s a three-hour plane ride away, (because they offer exactly the course she wants and have an excellent reputation), I kept my mouth firmly shut!

Because you had him young, you'll be able to do those things too, once he is an adult, if you want to 🤗

I actually think this is a very important post and should be taken to heart by many parents (especially women) whose whole lives revolve around their children. I have at least two friends with teenagers who are still at home and living their whole lives around the wants and needs of their kids.
As women we need to not lose ourselves to our kids. They go. Then what? I have 5 and have managed to free myself from 2 of them and looking forward to the chapters of my life after them. I adore my kids. I love them more than anything, but they aren’t my life.

Aww. Sounds like you've raised really confident independent young people!

I'm planning to get into volunteering in after-work hours when my kids are older. I'd love to be a volunteer birth partner for lone mothers, for example.

I totally understand how hard it is and how much you miss them, but be proud of them and of yourself for a job well done.

Mine are in their twenties now and two out of three are no longer living at home. Our eldest (now almost 29) has her own house in London, our youngest (21 now ) is in her final year at university. Only our middle child (25 now) still lives with us (saving money so that she can move out when possible). Youngest I think will boomerang back and forth while she settles to something after university, just as her older sister had to.

DH and I do miss them badly, but are also now enjoying the freedoms that we have regained, freedoms that we have had little of since DD1 was born!! We are going on holidays by ourselves, and the need for childcare is a distant memory.

That said, I do have my elderly mother to worry about, but at least everyone else can take care of themselves without depending on me/us.

Mine are teens currently and I would be sad to see them move country, but outwardly happy for their adventures.

My Indian grandad was one of seven children. Five sons left India to various countries as adults and one stayed behind, their mother also.

When her children were settled, my great grandmother spent her retirement years visiting each child for six months of the year!.... Options OP, options.

Please may I ask which country you moved to? Sounds amazing!

I mostly grew up in a family in which people had moved away. I rarely saw my aunts, uncles, cousins. Then I went to live with a branch of the family in another country where my aunt had basically had a lot of kids, they’d all stayed close to home, had kids of their own… It was glorious. I loved it so much. So many aunts, uncles, cousins around. Huge family gatherings. Always someone to take a worry to or just pop round for a chat.

My own DC don’t have much family around, so we’ve tried our best to recreate that for them with friends, but it’s not quite the same. I would never tell them this but I really, really hope they stay relatively close, especially if they decide to have their own kids.

Oh this hurts.

I live abroad and I know that my mum is totally bereft, that she feels like I've dumped her and deeply resents the fact that I left (I'm a short flight!)

The thing is, I LOVE my life here. My quality of life is wonderful and the kids are absolutely thriving. I feel so settled, have made so many friends and love the culture. I regularly have actual 'pinch me' moments as I cannot believe how my life has turned out. It has exceeded my expectations in terms of the fun and adventure I get to experience and the wonderful childhood the kids are getting.

Then I think about what me being happy here does to my mother and it feels like a knife in the heart. I know she thinks I'm selfish and ungrateful. I almost keep trying to talk myself out of being happy here so that I'll want to go home and do the right thing, but I can't bring myself to!

I am preparing myself for when my kids to fly off one day, and for me to be waving them off happily, knowing the joy that awaits and being pleased that I had my turn and now its theirs.

This is why it is very important to maintain your other relationships while you are raising your children. Often, mothers in particular, become so focused on their children that their relationships with their partner and friends suffer. They might not care about that when they're busy with a young family, but eventually, when those children are gone, they'll be confronted with the result of that.

You don't own your DC though.

One of my friends revolves her life solely around her DC. Thinks she's doing them a massive favour, but it's actually a disservice as they feel stifled with her always hovering around them. Plus she is leading herself to where you are, and will be devastated if this ever happens to her.

She's already worrying about her eldest "leaving her" to go away to uni and she's only 12

Celebrate their independence and support them as the fly!