A word of warning to mums

If someone gets a good job overseas that they couldn't get close to home, they are clearly going to be more successful

That’s assuming they couldn’t get an equally good job close to home though. I used to work in an industry in which it was common for people to make a lot of global moves, often sideways rather than promotions. The jobs weren’t necessarily better if you went to NY or Singapore or Dubai but obviously some people wanted the experience of living and working in those places and others didn’t.
Someone in my family moved to the other side of the world to be a farmer. He could’ve done that in the UK and he wouldn’t been any less successful, but he liked the idea of doing it in a hot climate (fair enough!)

I'd be devastated if my children moved to the other side of the world. Of course I want them to grasp every opportunity, and make the right decisions for themselves, and see the world. But at the moment they are MY world and of course I'd be sad if they were really far away.

The other side of it (that people don't want to talk about) is the burden left on the children who don't move. My BIL moved his family to America 12 years ago leaving my elderly PIL here. It's DH and I who are nearby and therefore do all of the things that they need family for. DH and I wouldn't want to leave them without anyone nearby as they become more elderly and infirm so we don't feel we can move anywhere.

Your DC are not any more special or clever or successful if they have moved 1000+ miles away from home, than those who chose to stay within 10-20 miles away

I don't think that's true at all. If someone gets a good job overseas that they couldn't get close to home, they are clearly going to be more successful (not necessarily more clever). It depends where you live as well - if you are in the south east of England you have more opportunities than you would have in rural Wales - but rather than moving from rural Wales to London, you might decide to Vancouver, Frankfurt or Singapore were the best locations for your career (or you might meet someone from one of those places and want to marry them and move away with them).

So does my mum.

And one advantage of them disappearing overseas is that you aren't expected to do grandchildrencare and can have a life without the kids moaning on MN about how selfish you are for spending the inheritance.

How is this small minded or insular? There’s no inherently greater value to a life lived far away from the place where a person grew up. Of course a lot of parents will want their children to see the world and thus decide which part of it they want to live in, rather than be limited to a small geographic area, but it’s not small minded to hope that they will ultimately settle relatively near you. Doesn’t the same go for everyone you love?! My children are still young and living at home but I feel really sad that I don’t live near any of my Uni friends, for example.

I understand OP.

You want them to be independant and enjoy life but you miss them too.

And that’s the kind of small-minded, insular attitude some people move away from.

My only child has been living in the USA for over two years and I miss her so much.

@SabreIsMyFave I know lots of parents who obviously miss their kids a lot, but that are proud of them as they see living in a different country as successful as it’s such a different lifestyle to the U.K. and so many more opportunities for a better life.

I have a 5 year old and toddler with savings accounts and have always said it would be great for them to use it to spread their wings when theyre older e.g live abroad for a bit or something. I've said this since they were tiny babies!

Don't get me wrong I love my kids to pieces but my MIL 'felt sad' when dh moved to a different part of the country and I always vowed I'd never be like that. I mean I'm sure I'll be secretly a bit sad on the inside but I will be damn sure to hide it and wave my kids off with a big breezy smile! I want to be supportive of whatever they want to do,

@SabreIsMyFave As I said above, I think it’s somewhat easier if it’s the norm in your family. Our siblings are so scattered that we’re used to it and just assume that our children will move far away.

Of course we shouldn’t assume anything, they might decide to live up the road!

It’s a shame he was struggling. If he got into uni, that wasn’t all down to the school, so to say it was is minimising his work. It sounds like there’s a lot more to it to me. Hopefully he’ll do well in a new place.

@Kianai · 24/03/2024 00:25

I'm always a little bemused at the over the top enthusing comments about dc moving away on these threads.I've lived in the same town as my family all of my life. So have all my siblings.

But I reckon between us we must have travelled most of the world, experienced many different cultures and places.

It seems almost as if some NEED to believe that the only way dc can be seen to be independent and well travelled is if they move to a different country, which statistically is far from the norm and like most things is not wholly positive.

You do you, but the implication that someone who wants to stay close to family is neither independent nor well travelled is very odd.

Yeah this. I find the whole 'my DC are more successful and brilliant because they moved to Dubai/New Zealand/South Africa/USA/Australia' mentality very peculiar. I also find it odd (and hard to believe,) that any parent is happy about it. I actually know some people whose DC moved away 100s, or 1000s of miles, and not one of them is happy about it. They have come to terms with it - some of them - but would be over the moon if they came back.

Actually, I don't know a single person who would be happy if their DC moved 100s/1000s of miles away, and they would be very upset if they moved to another continent. Your DC are not any more special or clever or successful if they have moved 1000+ miles away from home, than those who chose to stay within 10-20 miles away.

My 2 DC (both mid 20s,) have travelled to about 45 countries between them, (holidays AND 'travelling'/ backpacking,) and are intelligent, and have successful careers. They have very good careers, and have had several promotions, and they both have lovely homes, lots of friends, and a promising future.

Inexplicably, they have settled down 20-25 minutes drive from where we live. They did not need to go to Australia, Dubai, or New Zealand etc etc etc, to be successful. I am continually baffled at how some people think one can only forge a successful life and career by moving 1-3 continents away.

I think people whose DC have moved to the other side of the world to live, tell themselves that it's the best thing to do, and their DC are better people for it, to try and convince themselves (and everyone else,) that they are OK with it. Deep down, I don't believe ANYone is happy with their DC moving abroad for good. I just don't see how anyone can be.

.

Whenever I think about this, I think of patients I've seen who are never going to become independent or leave their parents. As hard as it is for them not to need you, it is the way of the world for those of us who are lucky.

I plan to get a dog 🐶.

It breaks my heart thinking about what's to come. But this is our job. Its the payoff. If your lucky and succeed they leave you.

I don't know if my disabled son will ever live independently..dh keeps saying "at least he will always be close", but that's no consultation either.

So you can't win. It's a trap. We was mis sold parenting. But it just goes so fast.

Ooohh yes! The boomerang generation. 🤣

Another warning, they keep coming back

I know it's true but I will miss mine so much! 😭
I'm raising them to have independence but I hope that they will stay nearby.
I moved away because family ties were not very strong for me, I hope I've provided them with stronger ones than I had. 🥲

I really feel for you. Mine is still little and while I want her to live whatever life she dreams off and will support her I do so hope what she herself will want is to explore and have fun but ultimately live nearby. Or at least in Europe. The thought of her moving to Australia and being lucky to maybe see her once a year just breaks my heart.

Why do so many people find it difficult to understand that it's possible to feel two things at once?

You have had the absolute best adventures being a mother.

Life isn't always about seeing the world or doing big, grand things.

Just being at home with your family, in each other's company is priceless.

You build your whole life around them and expect them to stay with you

No you don't. You've done a good job if they leave the nest.

Mine are little and I sometimes kiss their little toes and think about this! Hopefully I’d have loved them well enough for them to want to call.

I've voted YABU but in the gentlest possible way.
As in, I get you miss them but they're adults and then being happy and independent is a good thing, surely?