To just get so fucking irritated by Husband every weekend

What is even the point of this man?

God again so many times I read about useless men.

Sounds like you parent alone anyway so just get rid.

Your kids are suffering here, do you want to send the message that this is okay? Just leave.

This does not sound like a healthy relationship. Not only are you doing all the parenting, housework and basically keeping the show on the road but you're also dealing with a lazy, overgrown man-child who takes you for granted, has no desire to help out or respect for you or what you're trying to do. I would seriously consider leaving him. It's unlikely that he'll change.

The hair appointment information explains a lot about the deadline for departure which simply wasn’t apparent on the face of your OP. You just said you told him you “ had to leave” by then and then only referred to “ buying what you needed to buy” - no reference to attending an appointment. Some people are stiff about arbitrary timings and that’s how it came across. For those saying it is irrelevant, spending time with these sorts of people can put many of us in a grump. I have holidayed with them and it’s both hyper controlling and a joy vacuum. If I’d put up with that and also had clothes “ thrown at me” a bad mood would be a fairly understandable response so it was relevant in that way. Only you can know if the hair appointment is a retrospective tweak OP, but if so it’s worth considering.

It sounds to me you have had enough and want to leave as you know he won’t. I notice you say you are nervous about the day trip as you don’t feel confident of being able to get them to enjoy it alone. Is that your general feeling about leaving more broadly, expressed on a diminutive scale?

You don't (pretty understandably) even like him any more or want to be in the same space.

I really think I'd be considering my options because this situation sounds unsustainable.

Your kids are 2&4 they might not need stimulation & to get away to different places like you do!

It sounds as if you suspect/know that their dad won't do anything with them-even supervise them in the garden or doing puzzles/lego whatever.

Otherwise surely you would leave them with him?

Do you have a job in addition to being a housekeeper and single parent? I'm just wondering if you could manage financially on your own ( with child maintenance payments) because it seems like he has decided that working/his income is the only contribution he is prepared to make to your family/marriage
I'm not sure even whether to agree with pps who have suggested you go out on your own...could he even be bothered looking after the children properly then ? Does he even join you for meals ? In my opinion he's already an absent father. The rest is just geography.

I’d be calling a divorce lawyer in the morning.

Life is too short for this bullshit.

I think divorce is the only option op. I could not live with that either. What a shit role model for your kids too. He either massively shapes up or ships out. Life’s too short.

I really feel for you Op, you're angry & feeling better & want him to actively do something without you having to tell him to do something but Woodburningstov is right...you have to start making a change & today could be that day.

Him working today is an excuse. You get yourself ready, get the kids dressed, get them breakfast, prepare lunch if you have to for the kids but GO OUT on your own. There will be plenty of other weekends to take the kids on that city trip.

Shops open at 11, have a wander, a sit down, string it out cos I know you'll be stressing but if he doesn't want to divorce he has to be made to realise that he has to take part in caring for his children.

Yes, be prepared that the house will be a mess when you get home & yes, no doubt you will have to clear it up but you would have had that precious free time, that breather that you needed & you probably won't mind tidying up when you get home cos no he won't do it.

If you take the kids out today, nothing will change & you'll come home angry.

If you want to save your marriage, little steps. If he doesn't want to save the marriage he is telling you loud & clear.

MAKE THAT CHANGE TODAY OP.

This is awful. It’s stalemate. You can’t change things and the resentment will only build.

The sooner you accept you’re not going to have a happy family life with him the better. Just because he’s a “traditionalist” whatever that means doesn’t mean you have no choice over yours and your children’s lives. Are you financially able to separate or is that what’s keeping you there?

I know you’re tired Op and I sympathise but the quicker you proactively take action to get him out of your lives the better.

Not that this solves your DH being a dick at all. But re: getting out of the house - is there a local attraction you can get annual passes for? I used to do this when my DC were those kind of ages.

So like a pass for the farm, or the safari park or even (dreaded) soft play? I'd get them for the DC christmas or birthday present and tbh it just broke things up a bit knowing we could drive to the farm, the kids could play in the indoor play area for a bit while I sat on my arse and rested, then we'd pat a pony or whatever then come home. No pressure to do a full day out as we had passes but it meant we always had an activity to go to and it didn't cost us anything.

I'll say it again, what a lovely, amazing wife you are giving your husband the peace and quiet he wants.

He'll never change or leave because he doesn't have to. You've got it all down to a T.

Why do you put up with it? I think the vast majority of dads living with such a woman would think “We are meant to be a team. Instead I’m doing everything while putting up with a moping non-contributing adult destroying everyone’s mood. Sod this”. Seems some women have higher expectations of their children than they do of their husbands.

I keep banging my head against the wall. If I try to talk to him about stuff, he says he's bored of always talking about stuff and I should leave him alone and I'm giving him a hard time.

This is a classic diversionary tactic. If he refuses to talk then he doesn’t have to agree to make any changes.

Don’t fall for it. I personally think he will never change and you need to cut your losses. Best scenario is HE leaves the house.

OP, can I ask you a question? Would it make a difference if you were able to go out without DC and do something just for you at the weekends? If it would, maybe you could tell him that is what you’re doing next weekend and that he’ll be in charge of DC?

Don't let this selfish prick ruin yours and your kids weekend. It's hard to do things on your own with them yes but when they grow up they will remember that it was always mum who was there with them doing things, and dad was never present. That's his burden to bear. You can't make him have a relationship with the children when it's clear he doesn't want to.

Children are hard work, he can't just check out like this but if he chooses to then it's on him. Don't waste your days trying to encourage him.

I don't know why you would want to spend a day out with someone like this it must be so draining. I know I would be much happier on my own with just the kids. Just say "we're off to the park/shops/zoo today. You coming?" Then if he says no just go off and have a wonderful day leaving him to it. Don't waste time trying to convince him, just take his first answer and then crack on with your day.

Good. End this shit relationship before you waste any more of your and your kids’ lives. It’s good to do different things and stimulate your minds. He is lazy in every way.

Just send the kids up to him. I understand he’s trying to hide away/stay in bed but you’re taking everything in your shoulders and being a martyr about it.

He’s only somewhere else in the house, so tell the kids - go wake dad up etc rather than leaving him to it all the time.

I suspect this relationship is dead. This ridiculous imbalance of childcare and family life has clearly gone on for years and it is probably now too late to change it. It is an appalling way to live and I could not tolerate a single day of this. I would definitely rather be single. I could never be with a man like this. He sounds like a shit husband and a shit dad.

OP- put yourself first. I get it, not wanting to stay in etc, but it won't do the kids any harm to stay with DH for a few hours whilst you go out. Do what YOU want to do. It sounds exhausting.

I think it’s quite simple, OP: he doesn’t like looking after small children because a lot of it’s a strange mix of exhausting, boring and stressful. So he’s checked out.

Guess what: I also find a lot of “family life” (really dislike that phrase) with a (fairly) young child boring and stressful - but I’m a mother, so I don’t get to check out and thank god I have a supportive husband who pulls his weight.

As is common on these threads, PPs have suggested drawing up rotas and schedules to allocate to him his share of responsibilities. First: who made you the project manager of the entire family? You’ve enough on your plate. Second - LOL: I’d wager he’d just ignore these.

Sadly, I think it’s extremely unlikely he’ll change so you’ll probably end up gradually living separate lives and then divorced.

Sounds like you've got yourself into a situation where you do everything, 24/7 because you're trying your best fix your dh. Give him the time and space he says he needs to keep him happy - or try to improve his mood.

I'll let you into a secret, you could fart rainbow dust and he still wouldn't be happy, you know why? Because his moods have served him well and continue to do so. This way he gets people feeling sorry for him (you did in the early days), so they tiptoe around him in an attempt to cheer him up . This results in him getting exactly what he wants. In your relationship he has someone who will cook, clean, and look after the dc, while he has to do is work. I don't think he's depressed or unhappy at all, he's just a lazy twat who likes everyone to dance to his tune.

Why are you arranging to go out alone with the dc again today? Why not stay at home so when he's finished work you can hand the dc over to him so YOU can get some space? I suspect he's never had the dc alone, done a night wake or taken them to a soft play?

If you don't want to leave you have to start making changes, he has 50% parental responsibility for your children, and should be 50% parenting the minute he walks through the door from work.

Don't keep walking on egg shells, he's not moody because he's sad, he's moody because you don't ask him to do anything.

Go and wake him up, he wants to work so take the dc in and give them to him so you can go and have a shower and he can get up for work. Once he's finished work, have a family lunch and then go out to your local Costa for an hour or so and have some YOU time.