To just get so fucking irritated by Husband every weekend

Just read the posts above yours. This is an ancient thread. OP has a NEW waste of oxygen living with her by now.

Just start doing all of the things you want to do OP. And then notice if you miss him or not? Chances are you won't because it doesn't sound like he's bringing much to this situationship.

Pity MN can't notice the same and not promote it.
Perhaps you should contact them directly if it concerns you so much?

How clever of you to have noticed.

No - but I do now… it was pushed in Mumsnet’s round up email yesterday. You’d think they’d keep an eye on this before sticking it out to the base.

@CauliflowerBalti @Sheeplesss @Gallowayan

do you realise the Op hasn't been back to her thread in almost 5 months.

Sounds as though you both feel the same about each other. You don't want to be around him and he is "retreating" from you. It doesn't really matter why he is behaving like this. Sorry, but you have to still like each other for a relationship to work; it sounds like its over.

OP, you married a selfish miserable man and had children with him.
Your life and that of your children sounds utterly awful.
Please stop trying to change who he clearly is.
Focus the energy on getting out of this situation.
He will destroy your life and that of your children.
Living with a father like that is a huge burden.
What is your living, working, financial situation?
Can you work towards separation?
Can you focus now on getting through this period.
Detach from him emotionally.
Get the children used to him not being around them.
Perhaps if you separate he might step up and co parent well.
If he asks, be honest with him, he is clearly deeply unhappy with you and the children and you are going to move ahead and not bother to involve him as he clearly has zero interest and that dis interest is very damaging to the children and you want to limit it.

Reach out to family and friends for support.

Just don't expect him to change.
Some men hate family life and the chaos of family life.
They suck the joy out of their children, cause sadness, anxiety and depression in later life.
My father was like that, despite being the product of a wonderful family and loving parents himself.
He wondered for years why his adult children actively avoided him and refused to give them any meaningful space in their lives, right up to his death.

Honestly? I’d assume your weekend plans should be without him. Your marriage might survive this, it might not. But if he doesn’t like being out with the kids it’s never going to be fun. So get out there and make your own happiness.

Within this make it clear that you need 3 hours a week to yourself too, to sit upstairs and do absolutely nothing with no demands on you. Decide when that time is.

Just leave him behind.

What does he bring? He does no housework, cooking, tidying. He doesn't want to go anywhere with you and wants to spend each weekend by himself watching tv. He has lie-ins but doesn't offer you any lie-ins. He doesn't want to go away for the weekend, yet is 'sad' when you do...

Op, so he's bringing to your life is unhappiness and frustration. He's a massive fun sponge.

I'd seriously be thinking about leaving him. You and your dc deserve much better.

I’m sorry op. He sounds like a spare part. Disengaged. Lazy. Miserable to be around.

I loathe many men with no initiative. He is not taking on any responsibility for himself is he?

Why are you stuck in the role where you do everything? What is your working situation? (Even if you are sahp atm he should be doing his share at weekends.)

Your first sentence is “He gets up late. Fine.”

But then I read that your dc are two and four! So it’s not really fine is it?

How are work and home chores divided between you during the week?

Time for a really serious talk. I’m not usually one for ultimatums but I think you need to get a baby-sitter, take him out to lunch somewhere neutral and ask him what’s up? And then give him a deadline by which point he needs to have improved.

Ask him why he feels it’s ok to disengage himself when you are at the parenting coalface currently? Is he aware of how grumpy and miserable he is coming across? Does he need to see gp? A change of job? Does he need to exercise and feel better about himself? Does he need a blood test? Whatever it is, he needs to take care of it.

Tell him that you are sleep deprived and that you could really do with a break. Ask him if he ever thinks about you and your needs? Tell him you dread weekends because they are unstructured and you need him to coordinate with you and play a part.

Ask him if he realises he is setting a terrible example for his dc which might not matter now but will later on when they are older?

I might even ask him to read extracts of this thread!

It sounds like he has just decided unilaterally and lazily that he doesn’t need to make an effort because you are around. Tell him from now on that you are each going to have a half day at the weekends (3 hrs) where one of you looks after the dc. And one of you gets a lie in while the other takes the dc out. And then you have one day where you all get out of the house at 9.30 am.

Tbh I disagree with pp that op sounds controlling. When you have young dc, imho, you need a bit of a routine, you can’t just do what you want or as op says, the dc get grumpy and rampage everywhere. It’s good at least on one day of the weekend to get them out of the house early in the fresh air in the morning, then they are hungry for lunch and a nap afterwards. It’s all much easier if you work around the dc routine when they are this young. Your dh needs to grow up and put some effort in.

Yes each plan your downtime and maybe discuss where you’d like to go at weekends etc and if you’re both doing it etc. then everyone knows what to expect.

i mean he has a point- it is hard work doing anything/ having young children but I’m like you and find it so much better to get them out etc x

The people picking apart your timings and your story….. what on earth.

this man is an absolute hoover. Draining the life out of you I imagine. I would just do it on my own for a while. Arrange to do things with other people and not factor him in. For whatever reason he needs/ wants to not be around/ involved with you and children. Let him do it for a bit then have a chat about what he thinks he brings to the party.

Maybe he’ll get the FOMO. Once he realises you’re having a nice/ Ok time without him. Maybe he’ll realise that you don’t need him and think about it. Maybe he won’t then you have your answer don’t you.

Good luck x x

Well... what are you going to do?

This situation looks unlikely to change. It won't be good for your kids growing up seeing this is the default relationship dynamic. I don't say this to shame you or stress you, but because you deserve better and better is out there!

Frankly I don't think it matters that he wouldn't want a divorce. He has been made aware of the impact of his behaviour, he won't change, and he's only one half of the relationship. You, the other half, have an equal say in whether you stay together or not.

How was today?

Yes, this is very true. Imagine growing old with him. Would you want to trudge around Tescos with him when you’re 85 and he’s whinging about the crowds and the prices? I once heard a therapist say that women rarely regret ending their marriages. They convince themselves they’ll be lonely and won’t cope. In the vast majority of cases, however, they’re just angry they didn’t do it sooner.

Well, unless you want a few dozen more years of his shit making your life miserable, YOU need to be the one who gets a divorce.

Think about the years ahead of you with this miserable man and decide if that's what you want for another 30 years plus. Of course he's traditional and doesn't want a divorce. He has you as his chief cook and bottle washer, and you just take it. Being "traditional" lets him able to act like a twat waffle and make everyone else as miserable as he is. YUCK!

Because he is the other parent?

Yes, I gathered now after reading the entire thread.😊

There are two kids.

He sounds like a lazy father. He needs to get a grip.
Although with 4 kids I'd relax a little on the deadlines.

I don’t know why people are giving you shit. I always change ages by a year etc or the gender so I’m not outed.
All the people saying he was hounded out the house sounds like they want to live in the 50’s as a trad wife. You should be equal parents and fuck him if he thinks it’s all your responsibility. Well done on going out today

My father was exactly like this - never wanted to go anywhere, do anything as a family.

When myself and my two brothers were all 10 and under, the most we would do as a family at weekends was go to supermarket on a Saturday morning....and that was it for the whole weekend. We only got that trip out as there was nobody that would babysit for us and my mother didn't drive so couldn't do it on her own. This was 40 years ago so no internet etc.

When we were teenagers even that stopped. We were living somewhere where the supermarket was closer so my mother would go on her own during the week and get a taxi home. Sometimes at a weekend I'd walk in the house on Friday afternoon and not leave it again until the Monday morning. We weren't 'allowed' to have friends around or do anything outside of school hours.

Long story short, my father hated being a parent, got work abroad when I was 9 and basically then lived as a single man until he left my mother for another woman when I'd just turned 21. I really wish my mother had left him at least a decade earlier...we were all happier when he wasn't around.

Go on the trip. Leave him in bed. Live your life for you and the kids a bit more. He's like a deadweight from what you've said.

I'd also have a real honest talk tonight and ask him if he has any intention of changing, whether he'd be prepared to come to counselling given that you're unhappy, and if not, start thinking about what the alternatives are moving forward...