Not being invited to best friend’s wedding

dh and I never invited our parents or most of our siblings to our "wedding" as we kept it very small, registry office and quick meal after. We never told them until after and they got over it quicker than you did and respected my choice.

You are obviously very important to her and great friends, but part of that friendship is respect and currently you are showing her none.

She wants a small private ceremony as the thought (and probably expensive) of a big wedding getting out of control stresses her. It isn't about you or excluding you. Respect her wishes, tell her you respect and understand why she is doing it, stop judging her for your perceived exclusion, never say how you wish you could be there, just tell her it all sounds great - intimate, perfect for her, and maybe she might be more open about it.

It’s okay to take a step back. It will be good for you and good for your friend. It’s okay to stew and feel upset but you don’t have many details yet so just… don’t do anything rash, okay?

Again I completely understand your hurt and I don’t know if I’m a big girl enough to follow my own advice on this.

Yes, one of my SIL’s is similar. I suspect it’s because she always wants to present her life as perfect and if ppl ask too many questions, they might discover that it’s not!
Shes a lovely person, just feels the need to present a certain front, which I don’t fully understand.

I wasn’t invited to my best friends actual wedding ceremony and wedding breakfast, DH and I were invited to a party a couple of weeks later to celebrate with them. It didn’t even occur to me to be offended, they only had family to the ceremony and that was as they wanted it. We had a bloody brilliant time at the party.. I was 8.5 months pregnant and danced til 3am 💃🏼

No it's not

Her mum and family already knew

I suspect she felt pressurised into asking you and your children to be members of the wedding party so the only way to let you down is have a family only wedding for the civil ceremony part. Perhaps you took over with all the messaging and they could see how the future planning may look!

In any event step back a little and let her have the wedding she wants and how she wants it. If that means you no longer want to be friends with her then that suggests perhaps you aren't really that good a friend to her too.

Why?

Very small do?

My best friend didn't invite me or any of our friends to her small family wedding. There was some tension between the in-laws and her family. She wanted to keep it low key. She took marriage very seriously. Her attitude was that she was in it for life, she wanted it to work, and she was going to start by focusing on that relationship.

Then there are families where someone is terminally ill and things need to be quiet.

The thing is, if there's something wrong in your friendship, this won't be the only sign. She may really trust you to understand that - wires can get crossed but try not to think of this as a sign of how much she values you. It sounds as if you're a great friend to her and her wedding will come and go.

The OP updated to say that the mum already knew.

I’m so torn on how to feel.
Do you have the choice how to feel? If you are able to choose, be happy.

She’s made it clear she doesn’t want to discuss it further. You have two choices:

1. Wait and see what happens with the wedding. The likelihood is that it’s a very small family only ceremony as others have suggested; in which case, when it happens, you’ll find out.

2. You can try to force some big confrontation about the issue as your shit-stirring “friends” seem to be hoping to witness. In which case you almost guarantee you’ll be uninvited from the reception and probably ditched as a friend.

Personally I’d rather wait it out and see where I stood before throwing away a long-term friendship. Think about the practicalities a bit. Why would she be inviting you to the party if she’s secretly fuming with you for some reason?

I think your decision to back off is a good one. Honestly, I’d go silent for a while, no texts or phone calls to her at all. Let her realize that you’re not going to make a fuss about this and wait for her to get in touch.

It might be money-related or it may be that if they invite you, they’ll feel obliged certain other ppl that they don’t want there.

One word of advice about her being pushy and always wanting to know what’s going on in your life. You don’t have to share if you don’t want to. I have a family member like this, rather tight-lipped about her own business but nosy about ours. I ask her lots of questions now. 😂 obviously don’t ask about the wedding, I mean in the future.

It is because you told her mother before she could tell her.

One of my best friends got married abroad and had a party here - obviously just went to the party. No friends invited to the wedding. That wasn’t a problem.
I can’t imagine any of my close friends getting married and not inviting me unless it was strictly family only. Sadly no others have got married for various reasons.
If I were you I’d just accept she’s not a good a friend as you thought and just attend the party (assume you have mutuals) and see how it goes from there.

Me and DP are doing exactly this. Getting married midweek with just parents and siblings, and then having a big party on the Saturday night with everyone.

We mean no offence, but who cares about the actual vows? Surely that's boring for everyone to watch, and all people are interested in is the party, right?

We discussed this, and then said 'oh we could just invite X' but then x leads to z and before you know it you've got a room full of 200 people because if you invite one, someone else will be offended. So we've had to be REALLY small and literally just do immediate family.

I’m not inviting a very close friend to my wedding. While I love her, I don’t trust her to behave herself - she always brings the drama, and likes to make everything about herself. It is 1000x worse with booze in the mix. Are there any previous incidents that might have worried the bride?

I agree get some distance from her. Stop showing interest in her wedding. Don’t buy a lavish gift. And when you get married, do not invite her to the actual wedding.

is it a budget ting? maybe embarrased about not inviting everyone?

That’s exactly what we did. It was lovely. If I were remarrying, I would do the same.

Yes, that’s an eight year throwing a tantrum about not being invited to a soft play party, not the behaviour of adults in a long-standing friendship.

Indeed. I just couldn't bear any fuss - we had 2 mates as witnesses at my first and 3 mates at my second. No party, just lunch with these mates afterwards each time.

People who want a big do - crack on. Some of us can't bear the idea, however.

If the ceremony is just immediate family, parents and siblings, then a big party for wider family and friends, I see no issue .
If she is inviting other friends and excluding you, then it's an issue.
Bide your time and see what unfolds x

Why didn’t you invite her.