Not being invited to best friend’s wedding

I imagine she is doing a family only wedding. She's doing better than me by having a party, me and dp are planning to 'elope' (I use the '' as eloping to me sounds more like a surprise shotgun option so when you have 2 kids and own a home together, I'm not sure elopement is the right phrase 🤣) and not having a party after. I have pretty bad social anxiety and having a wedding fills me with absolute dread. It's the only reason we aren't married already.

I don’t understand why you can’t just accept what she says, she’s having a very small wedding but a big party and what’s you at the latter. Why the drama over it.

Whats the point of the party without the wedding vows. Your choice but I disagree. A wedding is about the vows!

I wonder if she's upset you told her mum before she told her mum she was engaged. Honestly just step back. She's allowed to invite who she wants.

I think it sounds like the issue is with her and not with you. If she has gone from enthusiastic to cagey, it could be that she's having money issues and can't afford her ideal wedding, so doesn't want to get carried away with wedding chat. It could even be that she's going to surprise everyone by the party being the wedding.

Unless you find out that everyone except you is invited, please don't take it personally- whatever is going on, she'll tell you when she's ready.

I have to say that isn't true.

We had a small.wedding as my mum insisted on paying for our wedding venue. She had been a single.parent since I was 4 working 2- 3 jobs to make ends meet and wouldn't take no for an answer when we said we would pay for it ourselves. So we happily had a small day wedding due to that fact.

It also saved the hassle of inviting all our friends during the day aswell as their plus ones which would have been 40 extra people. 20 0f whom we didnt know as they were plus ones.

If you're not important enough to be invited to the wedding, you won't be missed at the reception.

I'd be giving it a miss.

Are you assuming this is happening conveniently nearby, and in the context of some form of ceremony, though?

Because in our case, the entire ceremony was less than ten minutes, no rings, no music, no vows (from what I remember we just said we were free to marry and were marrying X), in jeans, and family and friends would have had to fly in from another country to witness this pretty underwhelming event.

Which was exactly as we wanted it, I should say, but was exactly why we didn’t invite anyone. It would have immediately turned into some kind of bigger deal than we wanted if even only our immediate families all had to take time off, get on a flight and pay for accommodation in London.

I think the exact opposite is true.
I would sooner see the vows- the actual getting married bit - than go to a party.

Don't you need at least one non family member for each side though?
Witnesses
Groomsman and maid of honour (I know this isn't a legal thing but it's pretty standard to have one person standing up with the groom and bride)

Is she having only family?

Who are the witnesses?

Can NO ONE actually read the OP’s posts?

What’s ‘wow’ about it? Some people just don’t want a big ceremony 🤷‍♀️ I have no interest in getting married but if I did I’d have a tiny ceremony, even the idea of saying vows in front of lots of people gives me anxiety!

I didn’t have any friends at my wedding(dh didn’t either) we had an family only wedding day eg parents, siblings and aunts/uncles and select cousins. 40 in total including us.

we hen had friends and extended family at night.

if she is inviting family only then that’s fine but if other friends were invited then I’d be hurt. You need to find this out before feeling hurt about it.

i HAD a friend who I had helped through a turbulent divorce, was there to help her move, checked in on her most days, helped her when she was down and needed support and then she met a new guy who was manipulative, abusive, just horrid, she dropped me like a hot stone and got married in secret after only a few months with some random work colleague as a witness. Friendship ended that day. I felt used.

they are still together but what I hear from others the relationship is still as crap as before.

I spoke to her Mum about how excited I was when she left for her holiday knowing she would come back engaged.

this stuck out to me .... was the engagement supposed to be a suprise ? Does the mum have history of keeping things private including major things like this ? Has she just realised if she wants to have everything her own way she needs to keep things tight

I know your friend may have said in the past that she wants you to be her bridesmaid and at her wedding. She is now having a wedding and a party after this.
My feeling is that yes she may have wanted a big wedding but perhaps financially she can't afford it. If she invites any non family member to the wedding she will be expected to invite a lot more on both her and the grooms side.
By keeping it immediate family only she can have a small intimate wedding. Her or the groom could certain family members that have had a falling out, drink to much or just cause trouble so they don't want them their. Also there could be something going on in either families that you may not be aware of.

Rather than getting annoyed with your friend and saying something that you later regret I would say nothing. I would just wait and see what happens. Let her deal with the planning and deciding on who's going to the party. Don't ask her any questions and don't offer to help her out for either event when you're in contact with her.
She can't ring and ask for your help or advice from now unless she asks you to the party. If your not invited to the party she can't expect a present from you either.
It your not invited to the party I would just step back and let her contact you. You can then tell her it was poor form not to invite you to her wedding or party after x number of years friendship.

You're going to the party without having to wear a usually dreadful bridesmaid dress and stand around a drafty church or naff registry office in high heels for ages. Sounds like a win to me!

I agree with @jenny38

She’s probably always dreamed of a big wedding but when it actually came to looking into it, she’s discovered they actually cost a fortune and they can’t afford it.

Bloody hell, it probably does to her. She’s just had to squash those feelings down to not lose a daughter.

Maybe she didn't like you helping her fiance to choose the ring?

I didn’t invite any friends to my wedding - it was family only. I didn’t talk about it much either. It didn’t even cross my mind anyone would feel hurt that I had a tiny wedding, all my friends just said they were happy for me.

YADNBU OP..can't believe some of the responses on here!

If you are best friends and share every aspect of your lives etc etc then you'd be a bloody robot NOT to be upset. That said, you don't know the nuts and bolts of the wedding party, if other friends are invited and not you, I'd be vvv upset, if family only, I'd not have a problem.

I'd ignore what others say about not showing interest 'respect boundaries'🙄ffs if you can't say stuff to a 'best' friend about one of the biggest days of her life then what kind of bloody friend is that, jeez🤦🏼‍♀️

I hope it all works out for the best OP, for both of you🙏🏼

Honestly, just leave her be. I am having the same questions over and over and DP and I have decided to elope and have a party after.

wedding talk can be really overwhelming so I would just back off a little - the fact you are not invited doesn’t seem personal to you at all!

if she has invited anyone other than family, then you know she actively doesn’t want you there. See if you can find out.

I think your friend is being unfair to you, OP. Whose idea was it for you to be bridesmaid, your children as flower girls, etc?

A friend would have said to you that plans have changed and that these roles aren't needed now. You're not needed for the ceremony - or for any part of the wedding, the ceremony is the important bit, the party is peripheral to that and not important in the scheme of things.

You tell your friend everything, she's guarded with you. I would re-think the friendship, certainly how much information you tell her.

I asked my best friend at the time to be my witness; I wish I hadn't. She's there on the marriage certificate now for all time. The friendship was slipping, I should have discarded it without a backward glance as soon as I had nagging thoughts; I wish I had.