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Original poster

Not being invited to best friend’s wedding

112 replies

Popcornlassie28 · 23/03/2024 10:24

I am torn with this one. Half of me understands it’s the bride and grooms day and they invite who they wish but then the other half of me does sting a bit.

She has been my best friend for over 13 years. Her Fiancé asked for help picking a ring and told me when he was going to propose. I spoke to her Mum about how excited I was when she left for her holiday knowing she would come back engaged.

She has said in the past I would be a Bridesmaid (sister MOH) and my girls would be flower girls as they call her Auntie.

Anyways, she informs me I’m not invited to the wedding and only the big party they are hosting on another day.

No falling outs. She just stated it’s a small ceremony and she wants to enjoy her day and not be stressed. I understand that 100%.

She is being quite cold and short with anything wedding related as I’m trying to be a good friend and show interest. However some other friends have said I should cut the friendship as it’s a slap in the face?

I’m so torn on how to feel.

OP posts:
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Toomanyemails · 17/10/2024 12:37

Your other friends sound high drama.

I can't imagine not having a chat with my best friend about this! Along these lines but more natural and not a big speech:

"Is everything ok? I'm so happy for you about the wedding and I totally understand you want a small ceremony. I've noticed you don't seem to want to chat about it and want you to know I don't want any awkwardness if you ever want to talk about it, I'd love to hear what your plans are and won't be upset! If you prefer not to that's fine, let's talk about (TV show, other goings-on in your lives, whatever)"

Toomanyemails · 17/10/2024 12:37

Your other friends sound high drama.

I can't imagine not having a chat with my best friend about this! Along these lines but more natural and not a big speech:

"Is everything ok? I'm so happy for you about the wedding and I totally understand you want a small ceremony. I've noticed you don't seem to want to chat about it and want you to know I don't want any awkwardness if you ever want to talk about it, I'd love to hear what your plans are and won't be upset! If you prefer not to that's fine, let's talk about (TV show, other goings-on in your lives, whatever)"

Justsayit123 · 17/10/2024 12:19

Ffs, just ask her.

KimberleyClark · 03/10/2024 12:05

I had my cousin as bridesmaid at my wedding and she didn’t invite me to hers. She invited my mother but not me. I remain a bit puzzled and hurt to this day - she never explained. Not really in contact any more.

Caroparo52 · 03/10/2024 11:31

If its only family then you are not being slighted.

RadFs · 01/08/2024 18:35

Popcornlassie28 · 23/03/2024 15:13

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Her idea. I never brought up the topic. In fact, I have never brought up any topics of her wedding with her, I’ve only ever answered questions she has asked or discussed what she has discussed first.

When I say I’m trying to stay interested, it’s in what she has already brought up.

Also with her ring, she went shopping with her fiancé about a year a go and chose three rings she loved and wanted him to choose one of out the three. Her Mum was asked, Dad, sister and me. It wasn’t some seedy conversation between him and I😂 I am very respectful of that.

I agree with you. All the hype has been created by her and then it went flat. No drunken stories, never any drama. She’s the loud one and I’m the quiet one haha.

Thank you!

Hi @Popcornlassie28 any updates on this?

Fofftwenty21 · 27/03/2024 09:07

Maybe she is trying to be sensitive - I wouldn't be talking to someone about an event they weren't invited to. Maybe take the hint and stop trying to talk to her about that and ask about the party instead.

Sidge · 27/03/2024 07:13

I can see why you’d be a little upset.

My then husband and I weren’t invited to his best mates wedding. I’d set him up with the bride who was a friend of mine. He’d been our best man.

I couldn’t say anything but I was definitely hurt. We were invited to the evening do which was just a pub gathering (rather than a sit down thing, or limited number event).

Janpoppy · 27/03/2024 07:10

Lampslights · 24/03/2024 08:15

I don’t understand why you can’t just accept what she says, she’s having a very small wedding but a big party and what’s you at the latter. Why the drama over it.

Where is the drama?

Did I miss something?

vanillawaffle · 27/03/2024 07:09

Maybe her fiance has pointed out you seem quite intermeshed and she's realised she needs to do this without you

vanillawaffle · 27/03/2024 07:01

Popcornlassie28 · 23/03/2024 10:45

No. We all knew. We was messaging on Facebook and HER MUM said how excited she was and I said I was too. It was only family and I that knew. Jesus.😂

Ah ok

vanillawaffle · 27/03/2024 07:01

Orders76 · 23/03/2024 10:42

Did I read that right that you told her mum she was getting engaged, while she was away, hadn't been proposed to yet, and hadn't the once in life chance to ring her mum with the surprise news?

O. Yes. This will be it OP.

vanillawaffle · 27/03/2024 06:59

LenaLamont · 23/03/2024 10:31

She just stated it’s a small ceremony and she wants to enjoy her day and not be stressed. I understand that 100%.

She is being quite cold and short with anything wedding related as I’m trying to be a good friend and show interest

These things are opposites, OP.

She wants a small ceremony with no stress. That is very clearly “just leave it” territory. You obviously don’t “understand it 100%”.

She doesn’t want to chat about it, she doesn’t want to share details, she doesn’t want you to “show interest.” She wants a private ceremony and is getting cold with you because you’re transgressing her boundaries while claiming to be with her.

Just leave the poor lass to it. You can be still be best friends.

And doesn't want you to show interest. Leave her alone!

ZebraD · 27/03/2024 06:58

RampantIvy · 24/03/2024 08:48

No. Bad idea. The friend doesn't want to talk about it, so I think the OP should leave the subject well alone.

Show quote history

It’s not talking about. It’s offering help should she need it. If you are pleasant in your approach- just throwing it out there and leave it at that then there is no need for her friend to be upset. I think her friend is getting agitated because there is more to it than meets the eye hence why simply offering help and leaving it at that might be nice. The truth will out as they say.

StaunchMomma · 24/03/2024 17:00

2chocolateoranges · 23/03/2024 18:40

I have to say that isn't true.

We had a small.wedding as my mum insisted on paying for our wedding venue. She had been a single.parent since I was 4 working 2- 3 jobs to make ends meet and wouldn't take no for an answer when we said we would pay for it ourselves. So we happily had a small day wedding due to that fact.

It also saved the hassle of inviting all our friends during the day aswell as their plus ones which would have been 40 extra people. 20 0f whom we didnt know as they were plus ones.

Show quote history

She's supposedly not just one of 20 odd friends, though. And her mate is being sketchy about who is and isn't invited on the day so it's not a case of 'family only'.

As I said, it's up to the bride who she invites but it's up to OP if she attends.

I wouldn't be.

VickyEadieofThigh · 24/03/2024 11:28

Londonrach1 · 24/03/2024 08:08

Whats the point of the party without the wedding vows. Your choice but I disagree. A wedding is about the vows!

Show quote history

There were no vows at either of my register office ceremonies. Unless you class "I call upon these persons present to witness that I Vicky Eadie take you (insert relevant name) as my lawfully wedded husband".

The second do was a civil partnership and the registrar had written some beautiful words but there was no 'vowing' involved.

Catandsquirrel · 24/03/2024 09:04

Ignore the other friends for one thing. They're shit stirring without knowing the full facts either.

Sounds like a big change of plan not related to you- family stress or financial maybe or she just doesn't want the big wedding anymore. Try not to take things personally.

I would be hurt to be excluded if numerous other friends were there but fine if just family so give her the benefit of the doubt and assume it's just family for now. Don't ask about the wedding. Doesn't sound like she current wants to talk about it for whatever reason. I imagine things will become clear but maybe not yet. In a few weeks you could ask very generally how things are with the wedding.

DisforDarkChocolate · 24/03/2024 08:51

Family only, I'd have no problem with that. I just don't think that's the case here, why be so tight lipped?

RampantIvy · 24/03/2024 08:48

ZebraD · 24/03/2024 08:33

Why don’t you say to her that although you aren’t going, you will still love to help her so if she needs you, you are there for her in any way she needs. Done. Is she having a hen do or does she want anything like that - she shouldn’t miss out on things unless she wants too. Just be her friends and stick with it

No. Bad idea. The friend doesn't want to talk about it, so I think the OP should leave the subject well alone.

hopscotcher · 24/03/2024 08:38

I think you need to keep in your head very clearly that it's THEIR day and they can do it how they want. Several of my close friends have got married without inviting me. It's absolutely fine.
If you think it's a deliberate snub to you, or that she's trying to push you out of her life, that's a different issue. But is there actually any evidence to support that?
To use a bit of a cliche...don't make this about you! Enjoy the party and your friend's happy event.

ZebraD · 24/03/2024 08:33

Why don’t you say to her that although you aren’t going, you will still love to help her so if she needs you, you are there for her in any way she needs. Done. Is she having a hen do or does she want anything like that - she shouldn’t miss out on things unless she wants too. Just be her friends and stick with it

StockpotSoup · 24/03/2024 08:32

woahboy · 23/03/2024 16:11

Don't you need at least one non family member for each side though?
Witnesses
Groomsman and maid of honour (I know this isn't a legal thing but it's pretty standard to have one person standing up with the groom and bride)

Is she having only family?

Who are the witnesses?

There is no requirement for witnesses to be non-family members.

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/03/2024 08:26

If she is only having family /witness fair enough her choice

If she is having friends as well then different

But you are invited to the party /celebration after

crumblingschools · 24/03/2024 08:22

If they are having a party on a different day I would assume a small registry office wedding or a wedding abroad and then inviting everyone to the party.

RampantIvy · 24/03/2024 08:17

Londonrach1 · 24/03/2024 08:07

I wonder if she's upset you told her mum before she told her mum she was engaged. Honestly just step back. She's allowed to invite who she wants.

She didn't tell her mum first. It is in the OP's updates.