Parents of children with anxiety ..

I'm so done with it all. I now, it seems cannot even socialise on WhatsApp in my own home due to his anxiety , cannot go to bed when I want, cannot eat or drink what I want and feel constantly monitored and controlled.

this is NOT anxiety Op!!! this is controlling disturbing behaviour

“not sure what you are doing today, but I am doing XYZ”

basically stop indulging

op he’s 14
a child

OP says he's been assessed and wasn't diagnosed.

I would get the gp to refer for an autism assessment

Also can you afford a private psychiatrist. Often anxiety is so high a child can't engage in cbt or emdr unless stable

Cbt isn't a miracle cure and the child has to be able to engage

This goes beyond anxiety or separation anxiety and is abusive and controlling.

OP was IN THE HOUSE and not planning to go anywhere but DS was making nasty comments about her drinking wine, eating crisps and texting - not even talking - to friends and not wanting to go to bed when he wanted to.

This is his abusive and controlling behaviour and excusing it as being anxiety is going to be detrimental to him and the OP.

My DD (12) is autistic and has severe separation anxiety. I even have to go up to the school office to see her at Break and lunchtime - this is huge progress from having to be physically in school for the whole time she is in school!

What works for us is -

She is able to go out on her own only when I'm at home but she needs to know I am there. If she's out I have my phone on loud and put my coat, keys and shoes by the door so I can go out and get her "within 30 seconds". Each time she does go out her confidence grows and we can reflect back to her being able to do that which is a positive achievement and sometimes I have to explicitly draw the links of "well you couldn't see me but it was not only ok but fun!" Over time she has learnt she can do it. Started off with (totally fabricated) trips to the Co-op - "I will let you keep the change if you could nip up for milk?" Would something like this help DS?

I make it very clear when I am going out and never sneak out.

I tell her what time I am coming to bed - she is allowed to come to me if she needs anything, but I am very firm that after 9.30pm "I need time to watch things that aren't for children and catch up on jobs."

She needs lots of co-regulating time so lying on our tummies together reading, walking together etc...

I try to lower her general background levels of stress by helping with executive functioning, not allowing watching anything scary, encouraging exercise etc so that the things which spike stress - mostly being away from me - spike it from a lower base level if that makes sense.

I am sorry you're going through this, the controlling behaviour that anxiety provokes is a big concern and I empathise. It is ok to have boundaries and non-negotiables, and he may well not like them and be a bit distressed (which will show as anger for a time) but firm boundaries and red lines applied consistently will help him, in the long run, feel safer.

I am the Mum of an anxious teen and I am unable to go out in the evenings, unless I pay for a sitter which she is sometimes well enough to have, sometimes not. I do go out to do a hobby locally for 1.5 hours max in the early evening a couple of times a week but it makes me feel guilty as she is always so much worse in terms of how she feels when I get home. I just have to tell myself that she is ill and that she will get better, and this isn’t forever. We watch films together and play games and she is my companion most of the time for now. It is hard though, I feel for you.

but you say he refuses to engage?

Big hand hold OP - going through this is really difficult. It's also probably frustrating and difficult for your DS who likely knows this isn't "normal" for 14yo boys and wants to be different but struggles to do this because his feelings and his fears are so big.

Are you able to have good conversations with your DS? I wonder if it would help to talk with him about attachment, how this works and what is possibly triggering his current attachment strategy of clinging to you. It can be really helpful for teenagers to understand what's happening for them to feel the way they do which can then encourage them to think of it as something they can work to change.

Small things you could try if his worries are fear of you leaving him can be finding an item that he knows is really important to you (item of clothing/jewellery etc) and leaving them with him so he knows you won't be going anywhere without it (or ultimately him) which is what you want him to eventually feel. These can make him feel safer and reassured.

I don't know if he ever heard you talk about how difficult this is for you (sometimes unavoidable for single parents in your situation) when you are frustrated but this will also play into his worries. If you are aware this has happened, again talking it through might help.

Children do recover from this and therapy should help. I would recommend Sarah Naish's work on therapeutic parenting if you enjoy reading. Not preaching, very interesting and some good techniques.

so zero contact with dad?

do you work? have colleagues? go to office or wfh?

My child had separation anxiety partly due to trauma and partly due to autism. She tried various things/techniques but couldn't use them when distressed. EMDR therapy has been totally life changing for all of us, has he tried that?

i don’t think this is all down to anxiety
sounds like a boy that has boy no doubt got away with a lot due to “anxiety” and has developed i to very controlling ways over his mother.

OP when he comes at you next with him not liking you messaging or what you’re eating etc… don’t dignify it with anything other than “oh pipe down will you, it’s getting tedious”

It's not really helpful to just say this is abusive and not ok. The OP knows that what she's asking

the doesn’t seem to “know that”

It's not really helpful to just say this is abusive and not ok. The OP knows that what she's asking is for a bit of support in sticking to her plans of creating space for herself even though it upsets her child.

And his behaviour is wrong but they need a plan to move past it. And no the OP wouldn't put up with it from a partner but she could tell a partner to leave she can't do that with her child.

My DD (16) is autistic and often her autism led to anxiety. She's not been in school for a year and has barely left the house. It is stifling for me and DH so we have had to be clear that we will go out and that she is ok without us. It's taken time and persistence to get to this point so I think you are doing the right thing by setting a boundary and sticking to it. Your son needs to go through a time where he is uncomfortable and that will be hard for him but if you just stay at home all the time then this will just get worse.

For your sake and his you need time apart

A common trait in autism is lack of personal boundaries i.e. not knowing where you ‘end’ and somebody else ‘begins’. It sounds like your DS hasn’t separated from you. He really needs more input from a professional on this, because it can’t carry on indefinitely.

Speak to the GP, speak to school, throw everything you have at this, because not changing is not an option.