Help! I can’t stand MIL over excitement about our pregnancy

You can't win.
I've know MiL's that could not care less and would not lift a finger to help as they disliked the DiL
OP, you need to be pleased that MiL is showing great interest

You will get the MiL's insight when you become a grandmother. Please put yourself in her shoes and maybe you will understand what I and others are trying to educate you about.

I can sympathise. We adopted our DS and he came to live with us about two weeks before his birthday. He had been with the FC for a year or so and they held a birthday party for him shortly before he moved to us. We discussed it, we were happy with that. Our feelings were that he needed to settle with us after the upset that moving would cause, take it slowly, no major excitements etc.

But MIL was having none of that. She organised a family party for him, invited various random relatives. We only found out because one of the relatives phoned to congratulate us on the adoption and to ask about what they could get him as a birthday present. When DH told her NO, we have discussed this, there isn't going to be a birthday party this year, she started crying and saying we were being cruel to her. DH said its not about what any adult wants, it's about what is appropriate for a small, confused child, probably grieving for his lost life and friends. Next year, we can have a big party, but just not this year.

She was a bloody nightmare at a time when i would have appreciated some support from her as a mother.

Christmas was a few months later, and she bought him 50 presents. Some were small and inexpensive, but even so. He was so overwhelmed. After he had opened about 20, I said let's save some till later as I could see he was getting beyond himself. I took him outside into the garden to play for a bit and he had a bit of a cry and said he missed FC. I said shall we leave the rest of the presents and open them later and he said yes please. But I was in the dog house for "not letting" him open his presents.

I totally get that he was the first grandchild, and likely to be the only one, and I was extremely grateful, and still am, that both sides of the family accepted him immediately as part of the family. But in those early months it was all about meeting her needs as a grandparent with no attempt on her part to try to understand his needs as a small child adapting to a new home, new family, new routines, new nursery, new friends and dealing with the loss of the old familiar things.

Every time she asks direct her here: www.haveyouhadthatbabyyet.com

That sounds reasonable. I also don’t think anyone is wrong in this scenario. There are some mismatched expectations about levels of involvement / excitement that need managing.

No, “the crime” is not respecting boundaries and making OP feel suffocated.
Quite a different thing to loving your grandchild..

All I can see is someone who doesn't want to be a part of a family. It's normal to see your family on more than just birthdays, if you don't want to be part of the family you need to speak up and tell them you and DH want to go solo. Because what they are doing sounds fairly normal.

Hi OP
I could have written it myself 😂
It’s very normal to feel that way.
I think the issue here is family expectations changing when you get pregnant. If there was not much close relationship before, it may feel like a shock that all of a sudden MIL wants to be so involved.
It made me feel like means to an end ( baby incubator..) as clearly she was not that interested before…
Please ignore people telling you to “share the baby” etc. It’s not a bar of chocolate
Follow your gut - it is about you and your little family. Grandparents come into it much much later ( and the hormones do tend to quieten down with time..they make you feel very protective for a reason though!)
Hope it goes well for you :)

The best thing you can do, OP, is give her only vague information. Don't share anything too personal. Don't tell her you have braxton hicks or the midwife has suggested a sweep. Just go for placid and calm. 'Nothing to see here today.'

She's excited and that's understandable but she can only pass on what you tell her, so cut off any supply of drama.

Agree with your dh how you will announce the birth. And when you first want visitors. Make sure he doesn't give her a key to your house. Don't feel pressured to answer texts immediately - you'll have your hands full with baby and having someone in your house irritating you isn't helpful.

Maybe agree a weekly visiting time for her - eg. Tuesday afternoons? - so she sees her grandchild and try to keep it to that. Then your dh can visit her for an hour at the weekends with baby, while you have a decent shower.

100%. I understand the OP’s POV.

It’s up to your OH to manage that and put boundaries in place especially when the baby arrives. If you want some time with the baby alone in your bubble… do it!

Oh come on, there's being 'interested in her grandchild'...but the baby isn't even here yet. Of course it feels really uncoomfortable to go from having a respectful but fairly distant relationship with someone, to suddenly have them invite themselves round, ask about your medical info, and tell everyone things that you wouldn't otherwise be telling them. I think it's possible to be super excited at the same time as respecting boundaries. It's completely normal to wonder if a baby has arrived yet but constant texts asking about it is really obviously not going to help

Your MIL can only blab the info she's given, so stop telling her everything. Get off the Whatsapp chat and have an agreement with your husband about what info you'll share and when. When the baby is born, inform everyone at the same time.

My friends constantly tell me how lucky I am that MIL will take my DC for a few days during hols etc. They've been involved from the start and now have a wonderful bond. I know she sounds exhausting but it is lovely to give your children strong family ties. Maybe just keep her updated on the big things but mute her texts so you can reply when suits.

“I’m taking a break from my phone until after baby is here. I won’t be answering calls or texts, but one is us will be in touch when there’s news.”

Personally, my husband would send it on behalf of both of us, so neither one would be hassled for updates, but do whatever works best for you guys.

It really is okay to pull back and focus on each other and the transition from a family of two to three.

My MIL was exactly the same. I have genuinely never seen anyone so excited about anything in my life! It continued when the baby was born. My DD seemed to be the only thing she thought about.
I think I found it particularly hard because I had mild depression and struggled in those first few months of motherhood. Her excitement and joy was quite a contrast to my exhaustion and misery!
But she eventually calmed down and she's always been a wonderful grandma. I know it's hard but try not to push her away. She'll be a big support as your child grows up and you'll probably be grateful for that extra pair of hands.
The more people that love your child, the better.
Obviously if she's too much, you'll need to (gently) push back at times but remember your baby is her family too. Let her develop a relationship with her grandchild.

Get a grip. It’s a difficult relationship at the best of times, and when one insists upon stamping on boundaries set by the other, it’s never going to work.

Exactly. Poor woman is damned if she’s excited and damned if she isn’t. Mother in laws can’t do right for doing wrong on here.

You would have thought I'd given both my mum and mum in law a winning lottery ticket when I told them I was pregnant.
I didn't mind them being involved in everything, I appreciated their love and concern.
I didn't mind them wandering round the nursery or buying baby things either.
They're brilliant grandma's with a close bond with the kids.
My daughter in laws involved me with their pregnancies, I was at the birth of one of the grandkids, it was a wonderful experience.
I have fabulous daughter in laws.

What is that picture? Why are you mocking your own motherly instincts?

What a sad post. Remember everything you’ve said about MIL when you’re wanting to use her for childcare (which you will).
There is nothing wrong with DH family being excited about the baby.
if it’s bothering you that much , let DH deal with the WhatsApps?
as for after birth, discuss with DH but you could say you want three days at home alone then you will let everyone come. Be clear

I dont think you are being unreasonable, however I also dont think your MIL is being unreasonable by being excited. I think its really natural for new mothers to feel protective about their newborns and anxious about others impinging on their space-- look at any other mammels and how they behave after birth, its a time of feeding and bonding between mother and baby e.g with cats if the mother is disturbed or a stranger picks up the kittens after the birth she will often move the whole nest, or may sometimes reject the kittens. Not that it is exactly the same🤣
But I understand how you feel, my MIL was incredibly excited about my firstborn and went from contact every few months to every few days...it was a lot! Its a time of adjustment, and that includes MIL-- i think their place in the family can change when perhaps they werent expecting it. My MIL expected to have my son staying a lot, even though they live 5 hours away, referred to herself as mama several times, literally wept anytime she was leaving after a visit..she also repeatedly thanked us for having a grandchild for her, which at the time made me want to murder her🤣😅

They calm down and you will also feel more comfortable and confident as time goes on. Eventually it will all work out, I am now pregnant a second time and my MIL is much calmer and more respectful of boundaries. I think some women can see the birth of their grandchild as a "second chance" to do it all again, but she will some come to realise her role (which is also wonderful and valuable)

Sorry, Im rambling. To sum up I think its natural and normal to feel like this, pregnancy hormones can contribute a lot also--try not give it too much headspace, dont feel obliged to respond to texts immediately/give out personal information. Best of luck with the pregnancy, birth and your lovely new baby :) xx

It's not a vile photo op. I felt like that too and it's a natural motherly response to having a baby. Your instinct is to protect.

Yep! There’s at least one of these threads every day. The crime? Wanting to love her grandchild and be involved.

And what the hell is that vile pic attached for OP?

It's annoying. Yes, she's excited (about baby) but you are still there and you also have needs. It's totally understandable you don't want to be hounded as you will also have your own anxieties, thoughts and feelings.

I'd remove myself from facebook or limit contact. Also tell your other half to contact her.

Oh another MIL bashing thread. And if she wasn't interested, how would that go? 🤔

@CaribbeanCupcake
She can only spread ‘private’ medical information if she is given it. In which case it’s not private.
As for sharing photos, part of the joy of being a grandparent, and how long does it take to forward photos already taken?