Help! I can’t stand MIL over excitement about our pregnancy

You know the advice you are following now will become outdated too. And not everyone followed/follows the current trend. I was never happy with putting my babies to sleep on their front, they seemed more comfortable on their backs. MiL
successfully reared her children, why not have a chat about her ideas rather than dismissing them out of hand?

I didn’t need the ‘experience’ (often outdated advice) from older women when caring for my newborn. New mothers are perfectly capable of following their own instincts.

OP, you don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with. Do whatever is necessary to grant yourself respite from her hassling you, mute her WhatsApp messages and send all contact through your partner. She’s at risk of permanently damaging the relationship between you two with her demanding behaviour.

I always wonder with threads like this - what the outcome will be.

So so many people on here with childcare issues, cost of living worries of how to balance work and a sick child .. relationship issues because they 'never get any child free time together as we don't have any help' ... and I wonder . This whole 'keeping willing and excited, loving grandparents at arms length and being very stringent with boundaries.. at the fun new born stage doesn't cause resentment ?

I would say be careful what you wish for !

I would never change my experience of accepting all the help I was willingly offered.. coming home to MIL cooking and cuddling number 1 and bringing her in to my room to feed in peace was THE MOST sublime and restful way to start life with a new born.. my own mum and dad took over when DH went to work after two weeks.. but for my DH it was simply wonderful to have his mum there to 'show him the ropes' and definitely made him a much more competent father and created a bond with dc grandparent that continues to this day ..

It's fucking HARD having a new born for the first time .. you are both beginners. I would seriously look at reframing this in your head and look at the positives of an extra EXPERIENCED pair of hands.

The only caveat I will add is the ' lazy entitled grandparent.. I have only come across it with one friend - but if they are the type to sit on their arses and expect you to cook and entertain them and your partner in a pristine house then they need to be told to go away.. but in my experience it's rare .. most of my friends had mums /MIL /Df/FIl who were unerringly practical.. cooked , cleaned , burped, soothed , and generally made it fantastic... and ALL
reaped the rewards, not least the baby ..

The message is that OP didn't want anything to do with then not them with her. The child is her DH's too. He seems to want tk be including his family and he should have a say too.

But the OP hasn't set any boundaries so how does MIL know she is breaking them. Is her own mother allowed to be excited. Also a MIL/DIL relationship doesn't need to difficult.

Same story again and again though.

A dil and Mil who don’t really have a let’s text all the time and pop in for coffee relationship.

Yet the second the Dil is pregnant the Mil suddenly expects this to change.

If you want that relationship create it before your incubator (sorry Dil) becomes pregnant.

Get your husband to let her know to back off a bit and don’t share anymore than your comfortable with her sharing knowing what she’s like.

I'm sensing this is an overstepping MiL who wants to be the messenger of all of the family news (i.e. the centre of attention) even when there is no need for it.
Not all MiL are like this but the OP's MiL is.

Give her a break.

I think remember that the way your children see you treating your dm and mil is the way your children are likely to treat you in the future.

If she is like this before the baby is born, what would she be like after???

You most definitely need to have a word with your DH about what is acceptable from his mother and what would be unacceptable.

I would actually go so far as to say that the due date has changed (to a date about a fortnight after your actual due date). Then I would only contact her a day or two after you actually have the baby.

I would also get DH to tell her that regular phone calls/texts/whatever asking if the baby has arrived will result in her being the LAST person that gets informed so she'd better stop. The baby will come when the baby is ready to be born and not a moment sooner, irrespective of the number of text messages she sends asking about it.

I'm going to guess here but has she thrown her tuppence in about names yet? Because that will happen if it hasn't already.

We meet the fam during bdays etc and occasional basis . Also won’t have much contact If not necessary.

This rather speaks volumes. You obviously don’t want much to do with your DH’s family, is that his choice? Was he close to them before he met you? Maybe there’re hoping the new baby will mean they can play a part in your lives if you’ve been distant?

TBH I find it very odd that you are upset that your MIL is excited over her son and his wife having their first baby. Her baby is having a baby, any normal mother would be delighted and excited. Nothing of what you have posted seems that extreme and she doesn’t sound controlling or nasty from what you’ve posted. Are his parents not allowed to pop over without an appointment or check in with you? Is she in your face everyday? You seem irritated by her very existence!

I seriously can’t get my head around this relatively new thing of keeping the birth of a baby secret, no one’s allowed to visit until weeks afterwards in case a I hour visit affects bonding. hold the baby etc. A birth is normally a time of celebration in a family. I think some women just like the feeling of power they can hold over their husband’s family, because it’s normally the in-laws they do it to.

Speaking as someone who families (mine and DH’s) really didn’t and still don’t give a crap about our children, I’d have welcomed any interest, excitement and support they offered.

Wait until your baby is born before you say anything that could burn potentially high quality childcare bridges. The truth is once you have a child your life will NEVER return to how it was pre-kids. Expecting that is unrealistic. That includes the relationships you have with family.

See how you feel once the baby is born, see how much help and support you need, and then invite both sides of the family as much as you need. Your inlaws sound like the kind of people who might be ready and willing to jump in for childcare or to help at a moment’s notice and if you have PND or just feel overwhelmed people like that can literally safe your life.

There’s also the small matter that once your baby is no longer a newborn people are naturally less interested in them. So if you want grandparent childcare you will definitely need to catch build the relationship when they’re a cute and cuddly newborn as it’s just easier.

Eh… I think that when you have a cordial but distant relationship, expecting to be parked up in someone’s uterus is wrong and a completely unreasonable expectation.

The relationship established before pregnancy is a reasonable expectation to continue. If you spent time together, visited regularly, enjoyed each other’s company, then expecting it to continue is cool. Rarely saw each other, civil and now want to be included in medical care information and be around constantly? Sends a message that they weren’t worth knowing before, but gimme the grandchild, incubator!

If it was normal, it would’ve been happening before the pregnancy. It wasn’t.

The sudden, overwhelming interest simply because @MumDaisy1980 is pregnant is uncomfortable. Understandably so.

Sympathy OP. My MIL fortunately hasn't done this but my DM is similarly being a nightmare. Constantly texting with all sorts of questions, tellling me about all the baby stuff she's buying - for her own house! We don't have a very close relationship normally, I rarely see her as I live abroad. She doesn't seem tinterested in me or how I'm doing, she was never particularly interested in me as a child, so it's bizarre to me that she's now obsessive about an unborn grandchild.

She wouldn't take a hint so I just stopped responding to texts quickly and told her I've been sleeping/working etc (usually true.) I give very few details or say "oh we haven't decided /talked about that yet".

If she started passing on my medical information though I'd have to tell her bluntly to stop, even if it upset her. Or just make sure she never had it in the first place. If she's likely to announce the birth immediately against your wishes then I agree with telling her the date has been pushed back and keeping her in the dark as long as possible. And don't feel bad about it, she seems to think trampling all over your feelings is fine!

Own mother too if they also can't control themselves!

Completely empathise with you. It is really annoying when someone is being overbearing.
Best thing we did was have 2 weeks to ourselves when my daughter was born, really gave us time to bond and figure things out just us three.

I would encourage you to let your husband do all of the contact with your MIL. This became our new rule as otherwise its incessant - he texts and rings his mum with all things baby and I do the same. Keep it brief but polite with your MIL and she will get the picture to contact your husband about these things.

Only MILs or does that include her own Mother?

Just stop telling her everything. I used this technique with my mother years ago, just minimal info after a big accident, didn’t want her coming down to ‘help’. Pull back if you need to, put boundaries in place and get your Dh to reinforce. Gently remind her that you don’t need multiple calls/endless contact or visits. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, get your Dh to deal with her.

😆 I was just thinking “I wonder how long before she’s begging someone to come round to hold baby for her to take a bath”

Yes this applies to MILs too, them thinking they have to be heavily involved from day 1...

Where does the myth that you can only bond with your baby if no other adult is allowed near it for the first 10 years ( or until you need a babysitter) come from ?

It’s not MIL bashing. There’s a middle way between complete disinterest and over the top intrusive and constantly hyped up excitement.

OP, your DH should tell her that her intensity and constant pushing for info is overwhelming.

I've been through this lately. Its a minefield and navigating it carefully is hard work. Some coping mechanisms I'm using: let dh deal with responses to texts, get in touch with MIL with pictures of baby when it suits you 'on our way out but wanted to share a picture...', entertain the overexcited for the first visit of baby but then you need rest and bonding time after that so be firm and say you'll be in touch with her when ready to arrange next visit and you won't be checking phone between then as its a special time. Also try handing her the baby generously when she's there but do not feel awkward about taking baby back for feed, sleep whatever. If she starts with unhelpful advice just counter with 'oh thanks, I'll think about it' and still do as you choose anyway. Don't allow yourself to be bullied or manipulated in those early days and you are well within your rights as babys mother to ask her to calm down if she can't control her overexcitement. All else fails just be busy until it suits you to spend more time with her. I'll get slated for this but I don't care. An overbearing, interfering and obsessive MIL is a nightmare to handle and I wish you well.

My step-DIL had these issues when she had her daughter. Her MIL was so intrusive it irrevocably damaged their relationship. She and DSS have now split up, and MIL's constant turning up unannounced, among other things, have meant that she has now gone NC with her.

MIL now only gets to see DGD on the weekends she is with her father, and not always then.

Start as you mean to go on, OP, and put boundaries in place.