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AIBU?

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Original poster

Being called Mrs *-*

772 replies

LorlieS · 23/03/2024 00:00

I'm married and a Ms My Last Name - His Last Name (hubby also double-barrelled when we married).
So why do so many people insist on addressing me as a Mrs?! AIBU to be annoyed by this?

OP posts:
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6
OhBumBags · 24/03/2024 10:38

LorlieS · 24/03/2024 10:34

@TayIorShift I've been a teacher for 20 years. I have never known it to be just "Miss". If everybody was Miss regardless of marital status then fine.

But you're 'Miss' in school aren't you?

I mean the pupils call you that?

OhBumBags · 24/03/2024 10:36

LorlieS · 24/03/2024 10:27

@Sparkleandshine231 Oh OK, then. What do GPs call themselves, for example? Police officers?
As a teacher I would address a parent by their title and would hope that they also addressed me as Ms --.

But on loads of different threads you've referred to yourself as 'a Miss' and said you retained your 'Miss' title after marriage.

So why would others suddenly start calling you Ms?

Original poster
LorlieS · 24/03/2024 10:34

@TayIorShift I've been a teacher for 20 years. I have never known it to be just "Miss". If everybody was Miss regardless of marital status then fine.

OP posts:
SocksAndTheCity · 24/03/2024 10:33

I don't 'feel I have to' use Miss, @Genevieva ; on the contrary, I've been Miss for over fifty years and I don't 'feel I have to' change the name I've used my entire life to appease a handful of people who have a bee in their bonnet about it (and none of whom seem to exist outwith the internet).

TayIorShift · 24/03/2024 10:30

Just curious if you're taking on board at all that 75% of people think you're being unreasonable? Or was this just more of a rant on here regardless of people's opinions? Do you not see that in schools people generally get Miss or Mrs regardless of whether they are a Miss Mrs Ms Mx?

Original poster
LorlieS · 24/03/2024 10:28

@cariadlet Same at my school.
Honest question... if my child was at your school and you needed to call me, how would you address me?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 24/03/2024 10:28

MassageForLife · 24/03/2024 09:32

I'm really surprised that people seem to know the titles of everyone they know! I only know a handful. Most, but not all, married women that I know the titles of use Mrs, there's also a Dr and a Ms. I also know that my daughter and her friends have mostly chosen Ms.

But generally I don't use their titles, and it hasn't come up in conversation.

You're right I don't know the titles of my closest friends, but I never use them.

Original poster
LorlieS · 24/03/2024 10:27

@Sparkleandshine231 Oh OK, then. What do GPs call themselves, for example? Police officers?
As a teacher I would address a parent by their title and would hope that they also addressed me as Ms --.

OP posts:
cariadlet · 24/03/2024 09:46

DanielGault · 23/03/2024 12:33

I don't think they do? Maybe just in my own circles, but I don't know anyone who uses Mrs!

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I work in a large primary school and all the married, female staff use Mrs (very wide age range).

I quite often need to check parents' details and am yet to come across a married mum who doesn't use Mrs.

ZebraDanios · 24/03/2024 09:45

MotherOfCatBoy · 24/03/2024 08:12

One last thought from me. I changed my name when I got married and I go by Mrs. I love being all the same as a family.
However on a societal level I tend to agree with pp about the sexist disparity in choices for men and women. I don’t think any country does this, but I would dearly love a surname system (with a standard Mr/ Ms) that meant boys took their father’s surname, and girls their mother’s, and no-one changes them at any point in life. That way we would have matrilineal and patrilineal surnames equally. I know it would be awkward as families wouldn’t all have the same name: it would have to be a whole society thing. Therefore I’ll consign it to Dreamworld. But it’s good to imagine solutions, right?

I can see how that’s more equal on a societal level but it’s still not fair on individuals: I wouldn’t be thrilled if I had four boys and none of them got my surname! But I agree it’s fairer, on average, than the current system.

It’s very hard to come up with a solution that would work for everyone; I quite like the idea of each couple creating a mishmash of both names but then I guess tracing family trees gets difficult.

StarlightLady · 24/03/2024 09:36

ZebraDanios · 24/03/2024 09:30

Most men couldn’t care less about this issue because it’s never affected them negatively. For the same reason most men never even think about what happens around surnames on marriage, because the current system advantages them.

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It also demonstrates inequality when it is asked for on job application forms.

MassageForLife · 24/03/2024 09:32

I'm really surprised that people seem to know the titles of everyone they know! I only know a handful. Most, but not all, married women that I know the titles of use Mrs, there's also a Dr and a Ms. I also know that my daughter and her friends have mostly chosen Ms.

But generally I don't use their titles, and it hasn't come up in conversation.

ZebraDanios · 24/03/2024 09:30

BigFatLiar · 24/03/2024 09:20

I suspect most couldn't care less. The Miss/Mrs/Ms issue seems to be an issue for women to argue about.

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Most men couldn’t care less about this issue because it’s never affected them negatively. For the same reason most men never even think about what happens around surnames on marriage, because the current system advantages them.

BigFatLiar · 24/03/2024 09:20

Vod · 24/03/2024 08:48

Evidently not many of them, or something would've been done about it by now.

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I suspect most couldn't care less. The Miss/Mrs/Ms issue seems to be an issue for women to argue about.

willWillSmithsmith · 24/03/2024 09:03

Genevieva · 23/03/2024 15:33

Until the mid 20th century Mrs was used for many older unmarried women, especially any professional working woman. It was like Madame in French. Mrs Crocombe of English Heritage fame was the unmarried cook for the Audley End estate. I don't have a problem with Mrs. What I don't understand is why we think unmarried older women should have to reveal their marital status by using Miss, which is a diminutive, designed for young women and girls.

Yes, it would be like grown men being called Master because they’re not married. It seems there are still a lot of women who can’t see why it’s an issue though that adult women have more than one honorific and the reasons behind it.

willWillSmithsmith · 24/03/2024 08:55

FarmGirl78 · 24/03/2024 08:34

Everyone is different. Personally I'd be really annoyed if anyone dared referred to me as Ms.

People are only doing it because it's second nature, they're just automatically going with the norm.

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Can I ask why you’d be annoyed if someone ‘dared’ to call you Ms.

Vod · 24/03/2024 08:53

Growlybear83 · 24/03/2024 08:49

Again, why does it matter? You can call yourself what you want, and can snooze to indicate your marital status if you wish or not if that's what you prefer.

Was that to me?

RampantIvy · 24/03/2024 08:53

I used to be a sales rep in a previous life and I made a point of making sure I addressed all my customers correctly.

This has stayed with me and is the polite and respectful way of dealing with people. If I'm not sure I ask, I don't presume.

However, I don't think that anyone who doesn't want to have the title Mrs should tell those who do that they shouldn't. Politenes works both ways.

Growlybear83 · 24/03/2024 08:49

Again, why does it matter? You can call yourself what you want, and can snooze to indicate your marital status if you wish or not if that's what you prefer.

Vod · 24/03/2024 08:48

Growlybear83 · 24/03/2024 08:46

@willWillSmithsmith No, I can't. Why does it matter? Maybe men find it annoying that women have different options when they don't.

Evidently not many of them, or something would've been done about it by now.

Growlybear83 · 24/03/2024 08:46

@willWillSmithsmith No, I can't. Why does it matter? Maybe men find it annoying that women have different options when they don't.

FarmGirl78 · 24/03/2024 08:34

LorlieS · 23/03/2024 00:15

@WhateverMate Would you be happy with being addressed by any of the four (+) titles available?

I do not wish to be referred to as Mrs anything.

Edited

Everyone is different. Personally I'd be really annoyed if anyone dared referred to me as Ms.

People are only doing it because it's second nature, they're just automatically going with the norm.

willWillSmithsmith · 24/03/2024 08:26

Growlybear83 · 23/03/2024 10:54

Maybe a significant proportion of women put up with it because they are happy with it? I am a Mrs out of choice.

And that’s fine but can you not see how annoying it is that men get to be called Mr no matter what but women get to be called different names depending on their private life?

MotherOfCatBoy · 24/03/2024 08:12

One last thought from me. I changed my name when I got married and I go by Mrs. I love being all the same as a family.
However on a societal level I tend to agree with pp about the sexist disparity in choices for men and women. I don’t think any country does this, but I would dearly love a surname system (with a standard Mr/ Ms) that meant boys took their father’s surname, and girls their mother’s, and no-one changes them at any point in life. That way we would have matrilineal and patrilineal surnames equally. I know it would be awkward as families wouldn’t all have the same name: it would have to be a whole society thing. Therefore I’ll consign it to Dreamworld. But it’s good to imagine solutions, right?

MotherOfCatBoy · 24/03/2024 07:57

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mrs.

Very interesting. Including the advice on current usage (should use Ms unless corrected.) However I wish we had the straightforward European method. Though I could get used to being called Mistress like in an Elizabethan play!

Mrs. - Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mrs.