Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

I'm a teacher and often we are being assaulted too. I appreciate that we are adults and this is an entirely different situation. Of course no child (or adult) should go into school and be hurt. There is no funding in schools and no support. We have large classes with multiple children of varying needs. This situation could be distressing for the teacher too who can't be and see everything at once. Who has spoke to the parents and asked for support in school but isn't being given any. It's a really difficult and sensitive situation. All children should be supported, feel safe and have their needs met but the money, resources and support just isn't there. I think it's awful that this little girl is being hurt but I can also see how this other child might really struggle with impulse control, sensory overload, managing emotions etc yet is expected to be integrated into the class and cope with situations that are very difficult for them with no support due to underfunding. I think the parents should be informed as to why this little girl doesn't want to go but also to mindful about how distressed and worried that the little boys parents must be about his behavioural problems and the impact this also has on his social skills and ability to make friends.

I agree with @Lampslights 100% don't be a people pleaser, tell the truth for your daughter, she is your priority, don't worry about offending someone else, his mother needs to know the truth and he needs to go to a SEN school, Main Street is no good for him or the other kids.

The school aren't meeting the boys needs and because of that are failing the other children too.

His behaviour wouldn't be tolerated in an SEN setting, but because he's in a mainstream that's not prepared / equipped to meet his needs, his behaviour is excused by his differences. The longer this goes on, the more entrenched the harm for him; he might eventually struggle to find settings that will take him, and all the while he's being denied the opportunity to make proper friendships of his own.

Meanwhile, the other children, like your DD, are learning from bitter experience that there are occasions it is ok to accept being treated violently, and that the adults in charge won't help.

Inclusion can work but it isn't in this scenario and needs urgently dealing with.

School need to know this isn't ok. I think the other mum deserves a very sensitive version of the truth. It sounds as if she might not know the extent to which the school is failing her child. It's a very sad, tough position for her to be in, especially right now with council cuts making adequate SEN provision very hard to get.

Make up a white lie about the party; speak to the school on Monday urgently about the physical assaults; then, if appropriate/needed, explain to the mum that your DD no longer wants to be friends with him because of the constant assaults.

You might well find that she’s not the only child who doesn’t want to engage with this boy. The school should be doing far more to keep other children safe.

If you make up an excuse she will know the real reason and it will hurt more that you felt the need to lie than if you mention the real reason for declining. Be honest and tell her the truth in the kindest way you can. Making up an excuse might make it easier for you but harder for her, and it sounds like she has it hard enough already, so I would do the kinder thing and be truthful.

Also if he is really that bad and doesn't know what he's doing any of the time, he needs to go to a specialist school where the teachers have special training to deal with children like this

Say your DH had invited people over and forgotten to tell you, huh typical man kind of thing. So unfortunately your DD can't make it.
Then at another time, say something about the hitting. The more parents say to the school, and the parents of this little lad, the better picture they have of what he needs, and what the other children need to keep them safe.

I would kindly tell her the truth.
but you said you were also sad they are not friends anymore so you could tell her that too so she knows this is not what you want but it can’t be helped right now.
she might appreciate knowing that so she can figure out a way moving forward.

“Tell her the truth, kindly. Avoiding it helps no one. You can’t expose your daughter to violence from this boy whether it’s his fault or not.”

This with bells on. It’s sad and difficult for the parents and for the young lad who does not mean harm but it’s really worrying that people have normalised the fact that your DD is being physically assaulted. This will create a troublesome legacy for her unless it is resolved. It doesn’t help the family to lie about this.

Our younger daughter is ND and although she didn’t physically hurt people at school she faced some difficulties socially and with teachers because of some of the behaviour which came with being ND. Painful as it was, it was appropriate that we saw the consequences of this as it meant we had to deal with it. Things improved when we properly understood what was going on.

I'd tell her the truth I'm really sorry ? But my daughter doesn't want to come to the party, your son is hurting her every day at school and she said she's stopped telling me because nobody does anything to stop it.
I'd also ask from her to move classes or I'd move her to another school.
I know he's frustrated because he's non verbal but on this level of aggression I wonder does he know so of what he's doing to keep bullying the same child.
Lots of none verbal children are very clever.

@Exegete How are you this morning? You probably didn’t expect your simple question to receive a barrage of replies, and most focussing on the sub- text in your op, and not your actual question.

However, please take them seriously. As someone upthread said, don’t be guilty of accusing ‘the disabled kid’. You need to advocate for your child. If a non-SEN kid treated your daughter (and her classmates) the way this kid does, you’d be up in arms. Don’t be a passive parent and start supporting and believing your child. Don’t be fobbed by the school either and ask for their bullying policy. To use a cliche, every child matters.

It’s good to teach your child that everyone learns differently and some struggle to follow the rules because of this.

However, no amount of SEN means your daughter has to put up with being hurt or scared! That’s not acceptable either.

At nursery, DS1 was being hurt regularly by a boy with SEN. In the end, the staff obviously just thought that was what he did so then told my son ‘he’s hitting you because he likes you and wants to be your friend’. I hit the roof and had a meeting with management as I was not having anyone telling my son that was ok!
I told them they would need sort it or keep him away or I’d be contacting spoa and telling my son to hit back harder (which I had really been avoiding doing).

I’m a teacher and no matter the reason, my pupils deserve to feel safe and not be hurt.

You need to contact the school every time something happens as otherwise no they can’t do anything.
Arrange a meeting with the head so they know you’re serious and don’t let it go. You’re teaching your daughter to put up with violence.

Your DD is telling you she is routinely harmed and doesn't feel she can tell you or the teacher and you are more worried about a party invite?

Please speak to your daughter. Please speak to the school. This is your priority. Your daughter needs to feel safe and heard.

What you say to the other parent needs to be low done on your list.
I'd just say unfortunately DD doesn't want to and leave it at that.

see my post above. How can the school manage it better pray tell?

I couldn't agree less with not being honest.

I have an autistic son who struggles to self regulate but he is a wonderful and kind human being. He used to hug other kids and sometimes act out in other physical ways. We went through all of this and he has learned to self manage and have boundaries now he is older. The school needs to manage it better.

At least give everyone the dignity of the truth whilst protecting your DD and honouring her feelings.

You need to raise this with school if the teacher does nothing to the point that your DD stopped bothering raising it. Above the teacher. She has a right to feel safe in school and it is a terrible lesson she’s absorbing now, and not at all what inclusivity is supposed to be about.

I would be honest with the mother about her child’s violence at school and how it’s left her daughter feeling.

i am also bemused by all the pps saying the school should ensure this behaviour cannot occur and to safeguard all the children all the time. On a practical level, how on earth are they supposed to do that? My daughter is a newly qualified teacher in a small village school. She has around 5 out of 20 children in her class who have SEN and behavioural issues including lashing out. That’s a quarter of her class. She does not even have a full time TA and so for much of the school day she is on her own. One to one supervision for the difficult children would be a dream but simply not going to happen. She cannot single handedly manage the disruptive children and teach the whole class the curriculum at the same time. One boy triggers over nothing and is completely unpredictable. The school has sanctions but none that the difficult children care about, such as going down on the chart, or losing time off break. In fact losing break time means they don’t get to run off their frustrations and makes them worse. I appreciate the OPs problem and all those whose children are attacked by SENs or disabled children but I honestly don’t know how schools and teachers are supposed to ‘ensure it never happens’. It’s absolutely an impossible situation for my daughter who loves the teaching aspect of her chosen career but already the behaviour management of the class is wearing her out and she’s thinking of quitting.

I really feel for mum and child, as the parent of a Sen child I know the feeling of no one wanting to be your child's friend. It's not the boys fault he has Sen or that he struggles to regulate himself. (Not is it the other childrens fault)

If your dd doesn't want to go I would apologise and make an excuse as it's kinder.

I would speak to school or parents again (separately) about behaviour. Obviously it's not your place to know but the school should be putting in place appropriate support for the child so that his behaviour is managed without children getting hurt

I am so shocked by this. That the party is the conundrum? Are you actually joking? Teaching your daughter to be a meek submissive to a violent male- Bravo- some excellent parenting there.

This will sound harsh. In my experience the more violent an SEN child is the more support they will get. You are doing the SEN child no favours by being quiet. Please respect your daughter 's wishes re party and report every instance of violence to the school. He may benefit from it as school can show local authority a log of complaints to back up request for more funds.

The truth is always the better option in my experience. Otherwise the invitations keep coming.

It sounds as though school are dealing with this really badly and I really feel for your daughter but also the boy and his parents.

He should be having sufficient supervision (ie 1 to 1) so this doesn’t happen. They should be implementing behaviour management so they can identify what might trigger the behaviour.
id be kind to the Mum and make an excuse, but I’d also find a moment to let her know what’s happening at school and suggest she speak to them about how they are meeting his special educational needs.

I would tell her the truth, then demand that the school take preventative action to stop it from happening again. If not I would move schools (and did actually, much happier now).

Personally I find it appalling that disruptive violent children like this are sent to mainstream schools. It’s not fair on them or the other children.

You are letting your daughter believe you have to accept being pushed and hit at school and there's no point complaining. Tell the parent that your daughter doesn't want to go because her son is violent. Tell the school that they need someone monitoring this child's behaviour and intervening if he is aggressive. I'm really shocked at how passive you're being about this. Advocate for your daughter op.

The mum may not be aware of her sons behaviour of the other children aren't reporting it and school aren't telling her.

So all children here are being failed.

He is T getting his needs met and taught effective ways to communicate causing him frustration (all behaviour is communication)

And the other pupils aren't feeling safe and are being hurt which they don't deserve either.

I would tell mum that you didn't realise DH had already accepted another invite that weekend.

Then go into school and talk to them. Tell them to sort it out. That boy needs help and support and your dd needs to be kept safe.