Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

Slight tangent but these behaviours wouldn't qualify for a special school anymore, most classes at primary have at least one regularly violent SEN child in them without proper funding to support them. It is an absolutely shameful situation and one of the many reasons teachers striked. I am a primary teacher and now get hit, spat at, kicked, furniture thrown at me regularly and am told "it's just part of the job now".
Teachers got a pay rise that hadn't been met with an uplift in school funding from government, so this situation will get worse, not better.

This nails it.

Your daughter is being hurt at school repeatedly and doesn't even bother telling you sny more as she feels she has to take it? What kind of lesson is this teaching her? Be less worried about how the other mum will feel and more worried about protecting your child.

I would talk to the school not the mum about the behaviour; explanations/instructions at home may well have pretty limited effect in a sen situation.
It's the school's job to keep both children safe while they're at school.
I recently had to contact the school because of some repeated incidents with other children being unpleasant to my son. One of the others has sen and the other two are probably nice enough kids who are a bit immature or struggling with their own feelings around growing up. I don't know any of their parents well but I have known them all since they were toddlers and it did feel uncomfortable telling school but I had to prioritise my child who isn't always very assertive. School seem to have taken some appropriate action and my child felt relieved that his teacher knew.

My son has autism and is prone to lashing out. For example, if someone bumps him they’ve done it on purpose and will shout at them, and could possibly hit. I don’t expect this to just be accepted by teachers or other children, or anyone, I want him to learn not to do it, so it’s really important that I’m aware of what he’s doing. I wouldn’t mind another mum raising this with me. Teachers shouldn’t be allowing it to happen either. On the flip side, my son has been hit and bullied a bit verbally and I’ve notified the school to have a discreet word with the kids doing it.

When my child was repeatedly hurt by a child with SEN, I ended up pulling her out of school and we home-schooled instead. I told the school exactly why. It was clear the boy had greater rights than my daughter had to be safe, so no way was I allowing that to go on.

My eldest had a similar issue. I messaged the mum and said, " I'm really sorry but she doesn't want to come." Nothing else was said, the mum obviously understood why. We remained friendly afterwards. If she does ask why just explain, "it's because he keeps pushing and hitting her in school, so sorry."

Tell her the truth gently.

Actually I think you SHOULD tell her in relation to the party, because he needs to understand that actions (him hitting your DD) have consequences (she doesn't want to go to his party and is scared of him). ATM, it sounds like he's been getting away with hitting, shoving and other generally unpleasant behaviour because he has disabilities. I know some kids need a bit of compassion and perhaps more understanding, but it's not okay to physically abuse your friends and if you do that then they won't stay your friends! And I think it's about time this little boy got this message loud and clear!

This.

Your DD should be your priority and that’s why you raise it and make sure she knows it’s not okay.

It’s also not fair for the boy to be in this situation - he clearly needs more support or supervision and will only stand a chance of getting that if everyone knows the truth!

OMG OP, stop being so bloody passive. You are more concerned with hurting the other Mum's feelings than protecting your own DD.

This, but I'd say it would form a lot of evidence. It clearly shows the school cannot meet his needs.

This. The truth is surely better here for everyone so a better future outcome can be attempted at least.

Tell the truth. It may form a tiny part of evidence that the parents can use in pushing for better support.

You def need to tell mum reason why but be kind about it

Sure she knows her sons behaviour

But your dd shouldn't have to put up with it and be bullied /hurt at school or anywhere

She is telling you she gets hurt and nothing is being done

You need to talk to her class teacher - pasterol care and headteacher

Maybe email and copy all so written paper trail

I sincerely hope you don’t do this. It is unnecessary and really unkind if its done to avoid you having any conflict.

you need to tell her the truth. The hitting and the party are connected and it is reasonable to explain this in a kind and understanding manner. You’ve had some good advice upthread on how. You also need to speak to the school because this situation is unacceptable. Go goodness sake you child has stopped telling you what is happening. You need to advocate for her and she needs to see you do it.

As a mum of a child who can behave like this - he’s been very much better since he’s been diagnosed with ADHD and is on meds.

This child sounds like a volatile risk to other children.

It's not fair that he's put where he can be a risk to them and make them fearful.

Please always stick up for your daughter.

Imagine a man at your work who would roughly push and shove you and grab glasses off your face?

It's very invasive and threatening.

As the parent to a disabled child I'd want to know if my child wasn't coping in school and was hurting other kids. That's not OK. He needs a 1-1 or a special needs school. You hiding what is happening is helping no one and your child's just being attacked. I don't get why you wouldn't tell the mum / teacher every single time it happened. It's the only way the boy will get the support he needs and your child will then be safe.

You need to stand up for your daughter.

"Hey mum, just spoken to DD about party, thought she'd be really excited but it turns out DD and DS aren't getting along at the moment. She's said he's hitting and pushing alot and the teachers aren't doing anything, I'm going to talk to the school about it this week, obviously it's not good for either of them if school aren't doing anything. Sorry, I know it must be hard and DS is a lovely boy but DD was so upset about it all."

She needs to know the school aren't managing her sons behaviour well. And mostly you need to show.your daughter that even though it's hard you have to stand up for yourself.

I’m sorry but I don’t understand how not telling the truth is going to be helpful? Everyone knows that excuses are just that. One kid flat out refused to participate in my sons football party last year - and you know, it was ok because kids are kids and you can’t make them do what they don’t want to do.
I would honestly just say the truth. Along the lines ‘thank you so much for the invite and I thought that my daughter would be excited to come and celebrate but it seems to me that she’s scared and is refusing to come. I believe it’s due to her being shoved and pushed at school. I guess until it’s resolved there’s not much I can do…” Dad did tell you that he can’t do much about his son’s behaviour, didn’t he?? Well, your daughter is being assaulted at school and everyone around her is enabling it by turning a blind eye because the kid has a disability. Your daughter doesn’t even bother telling anyone… means she’s accepted that she’s worthy of abuse because she’s someone’s favourite. Can you see the implications it’s going to have later in life? Same goes for the boy… I’ll be all over ofsted to be honest

I'd say 'Bad news, I'm afraid. I got home and told Margot about Archie's party and it turns out that he's been shoving her into the railings at school every morning for the past week and she's not currently talking to him. I'm sure it will blow over, but as things stand she's not in the mood to attend the party. We all appreciate the challenges Archie faces but now he's getting bigger and stronger it's becoming more difficult to ignore the pushing and grabbing. I hope he has a lovely party.'

And I would quietly also go to the school and explain the situation, but without all the 'my daughter's rights' hyperbole displayed here. Just go along as a reasonable, understanding parent who's aware that she could have ended up with an Archie instead of a Margot, and say 'I think there's a problem and I'm wondering how we sort it out.' Good luck.

You. Need to keep the party separate from the hitting... Turn the party down . Then on a few weeks if still going on mention it to the mother although tbh you should go via the school and not talk to the parents about it

Stop allowing your daughter to be assaulting the name of "be kind "
Speak to the mother and also tell the school to stop it happening

Tell her the truth, for the sake of her child who clearly isn't recieving the care and support he needs and your daughter who should not be put in a position where she is getting hurt at school. I would also be arranging a meeting with the school because this is NOT ok, not even a little bit.

There was a lad in my daughters primary school with additional needs. He often lashed out at my daughter and other girls. If she accidently touched him when walking he would scream in her face. Then it turned into hitting her, pinching her, grabbing her arms and squeezing, shoving her etc. Teachers always told her "he can't help it" and he never got in any trouble. He clearly became more confident with his behaviour because towards the end of their time in this school he started to leave the girls alone and the boys started receiving all the abuse instead. Plus it escalated, instead of pushing and pinching he started trying to strangle children.

Neither you or the school should be minimizing his behaviour. It is not ok for your daughter to be hurt by anybody - she must be taught this. Stick up for her.

Sorry I meant to say I agree with lamps1 not lamps lights.