Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

You definitely need to tell your daughter to tell a teacher everytime this boy hurts her at school.

My dd had a boy in her primary that used to hurt other children all the time, there were lots of incidents and he would just lose a few minutes of his break time or his mum, who always had an excuse for him, had been informed.

I complained to the school in writing and had a meeting with the head teacher.
I told them that they were failing in their duty to protect my daughter and other pupils and it was unacceptable.
I used their behaviour policies from the school website which said that all children should be able to go to school without fear, to show how they were failing their own policy.

After this things did change and they put in a lot more rules around this boy to protect others.
I know that the boy in your case has a lot of difficulties and i know that schooks are struggling with staff and funding, but it doesn't mean that other children have to put up with being hurt. It's really sad and very unacceptable for your dd to feel like there's no point in complaining and that she just has to put up with it.

My dd is in secondary now but still appreciates that I stood up for her.

I feel for your DD but also for this other mum too. I think you’re right to feel a conflict and it reflects well on you that you are trying to balance it,
I would do what pps say and separate the party issue as I imagine it’s hard/ emotional for her if people say no to her sons party because of his behaviour/ disability
I’d just say ‘I’m so sorry, I thought we were free that weekend but my husband reminded me we’re doing x- hope he has a lovely birthday’
i would address the other issues at school separately

Imagine being that age and not having a single bit of trust in the adults around you 😂 failing her here absolutely everyone no way I'd be quiet if someone was hurting my child.

I'd be on to the school about safeguarding your daughter.

The boy's developmental issues / learning issues do not mean the school doesn't have a duty to ensure other children are safe from his behaviour. They have a duty of care to ALL the children, not just the boy. And they are failing in that duty of care if this is an ongoing issue.

Please don't let your daughter to continue to be hurt at school. The school needs to be on it.

Awful suggestion and sends the wrong message to DD.

Still very much disagree with the posters saying speak to the school only for them to sort it out.

Yes op you definitely need to escalte the matter up the school, but this is a separate thing regarding an event outside of school, so needs to be dealt with in a direct way. Please be honest with the mum, she needs to know exactly what’s going on and why kids aren’t coming to her party.

I have to question whether she really knows the extent of what her son is doing. If i knew my son hit other kids, i certainly wouldn’t be throwing him a party and inviting other kids.

Would she go to the party if it was ok for you to stay.
Maybe being there, you could keep an eye out.

Sad, the young boy would have so few friends.

What on earth is school doing to protect the other children? Why does he not have a one to one (yes, I know how tricky this is to organise, my little cousin has a serious medical issue, it’s been a long time organising a one to one). As a teacher, I’d be stood between him and the other kids in line ups etc.

I think you should just be honest with the mum and say you told DD about the party but DD has said she doesn't want to go because the boy often hurts her and she's now wary of him.

I agree that you should tell a little lie to excuse yourself from the party but I just wanted to post to say I disagree with posts telling you to speak to the parents about their son's behaviour. His parents can't do much to stop it - they are obviously nice people from what you have said and don't condone aggression. You need to speak to the school about keeping your daughter safe.

The school design the mix of kids in classes, the adult support available, the routines, structures and policies and it is the school that should be safeguarding your daughter, and other children, from being hurt and pushed around. The school can speak to the parents about any policies they put in place or any support that they would like from the parents.

First and for most do not make your daughter attend when she doesn’t want too. I’m a mum to a sen child who thankfully doesn’t hit out but he’s been unkind in other areas and myself and school do not make that a reason for him to not be treated like others, he has also been on the receiving end of some very unkind behaviour of another child in his class with sen and I don’t accept that as a free card.

You need to raise with the school this ongoing issue so they can manage it and know how frequently it’s happening. Go above the teacher to the head or the wellbeing officer or Senco.

in terms of the party you can make any excuse to not attend ( illness, other plans , and so on) I wouldn’t approach saying she’s not coming because of __

OP, don’t invent an excuse as to why your DD won’t be going to the party - tell the mother straight up what the problem is - “I told my DD about the party and I’m afraid she doesn’t want to come because she says your DS pushes her and hits her, and I’m sorry but I don’t think she should have to put up with this.” If you won’t advocate for your DD, who will?

As a TA at a mainstream school we are struggling so much these days with managing the behaviour of these poor children who, through no fault of their own, are in the wrong setting because there is nowhere else for them to go. I am regularly kicked, punched and spat at on a daily basis but will continue to put up with it if it means that the other children don't take the same treatment. But these children are unpredictable and as much as we try our hardest to protect all the children, it's not always possible.

It used to be that when a child with needs began to dysregulate the entire class would leave the room so that no-one was hurt, back then the occasions were few and far between. These days the children would be out of class most of the day! So the alternative is to have to remove the dysregulated child which causes less disruption to others but often more upset as they have to witness their friend in distress being removed by a number of adults.

Having said all that, in our school every single report of negative behaviour by a child is logged. That way it helps the school to escalate the problem and produce a report to support an application for an alternative setting when places do come up.

So OP please tell your daughter to report every incident as in the end the it will help the child to get to a place where his needs will be met and he will be so much happier and less frustrated.

Definitely don't send your child to the party though!

A child is bullying your DD and you're saying it's not serious.
Seems toe you're putting this boys needs before your DD.
Take your head from your arse and stand up for your child.
You wouldn't accept being hit everyday at work so why should your DD.

You have to be proactive,and go to that school every time it happens.
And if you get no satisfaction go higher.
Your DD and her wellbeing matters more than some other child.
Don't wait till he seriously injured her

I'm the parent of a child with disabilities, some of which result in his behaviour becoming loud, violent, and scary for other children. Frankly, he doesn't belong in a mainstream setting, he has a 1:1 and reduced timetable now as we wait for his EHCP and then start applying for specialist provision. I get told about incidents and pass along my sincerest apologies to other parents when he's upset or hurt another child. I am doing everything I can, engaging with every support system I can grab hold of, to help him keep it together at school. He's 7, and things are going well at the moment.

I would hope the school and parents of this child are doing similarly, but it does sound tricky for you, and unfair on your DD. I agree she shouldn't go, and I would be asking the school for help in understanding how these incidents are dealt with. They may have strategies they can put into place during pinch points in his day, but aren't aware of these incidents themselves so can't prevent them. Hugs to your DD, this sounds very intense and upsetting for her, and it makes it hard to be happy and calm and ready to learn.

I would also talk to the school, about the incidents and about he fact that your Dd feels ignored by them.

They can do something. They can apply support or 1-2-1 support funding to facilitate him to play safely etc. They can support behaviour modification with kids with SEN just as they can with NT kids. And if the Mum knows that this is an issue she can pressurise for support for him.

Be honest with the mum. And speak to the school again, it happens all too often that compliant children, often girls, end up bearing the brunt of children whose needs aren’t being met. Your DD shouldn’t have to put up with his behaviour. There’s no point teaching her to tell you, you aren’t there at school, she needs to be advocating for herself against this child and telling teachers, TAs, whatever adults are present when this happens.

I think I would try and be honest. Maybe “I want to be honest with you, Dd is avoiding xxx at the moment after a few physical incidents which she has found daunting now they are bigger and stronger. I do know he doesn’t mean to be aggressive but sadly it has made Dd wary for the time being, so she has asked to decline the invitation this year”

Parents with children with SEN get a lot of the seemingly polite avoidance.

What i find shocking is that many on the thread would lie and not protect their child including the wet dh.

I completely agree. What if he was putting his hands in her knickers? Would she be told, "It's not his fault?" it's dangerous. I'm shocked it's been allowed to continue and excused.

Well, it's too bad for the Dad, he'll just have to try and stop it.

It's assault.

And you're sending out a message to your daughter that violence is OK, and you have to just accept it!

Tell the mother that your daughter won't be coming to the party due to concerns about violent behaviour that's happened at school. You don't want it to happen outside of school as well, so won't be attending.

Stop telling the parents about things that happen at school. They cannot control what goes on at school. You need to be speaking the the teacher about what is happening and making sure things are put in place to prevent it happening again and again.

It is ludicrous that it's got to the point that your poor dd thinks nothing can be done. The solution is very simple - the boy cannot cope with lining up time and hurts other children so when he arrives he goes straight to the nice quiet classroom with the teacher/TA. It's so easy for schools to prevent this sort of thing happening and help both the autistic? child and the other children. They are setting him up to fail socially by not doing these basic things for him and it makes me so mad.

If dd doesn't want to go to the party then I would again blame school - the teachers are not handling x's behaviour very well and when he becomes overwhelmed and lashes out dd is frightened by it so she is afraid to come to the party.

School is where things need to change and both the parents of the boy and other parents affected need to keep speaking up until school put things in place properly for him. At the moment they are failing all the kids very badly.

I would totally say this in the context of the party. Disability or not...this is totally unacceptable behaviour and is loosing him friends. More importantly, your dd could get seriously hurt and the mum needs to know the truth so she can get help....and your dd comes first and needs help too.

Please tell me what schools are not doing that they should, and actually can with the resources they have?

“Sorry, can’t make it to the party as DD is fed up of being assaulted”