Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

You shouldn’t be feeling like crap. You told her factually, I’m sure. You were honest but not unkind. There are lots of children like this boy in school. They’re not helped by pussyfooting around the issue. What happens is that gradually they lose the few friends they had and no-one is willing to tolerate their behaviour. For the sake of this boy as well as your DD, this needs sorting.

She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.

Sorry, not every day, just ‘all the time’ which is much better…

This exactly. The mum is doing her best to have a small party for the Little boy, your DD probably won't be the only child feeling like they don't want to go. If Nobody comes that would be awful for the boy but you need to go to the mum first and be honest. Even work with her and the school to reach some kind of resolution (if possible). Tough but you really do need to be honest here,and go to school too, show your DD that you will always do what's right by her too. Clearly she feels like she is not being heard properly aswell. Best of luck OP

Your daughter is being physically harmed. I would be raising hell, if not at least telling everyone and breaking off the friendship. She's already given up on you helping her, surely you don't want to be that kind of parent. You're setting her up for tolerating bad situations in future.

For goodness sake just talk to her. Your child shouldn’t be putting up with this and I agree she shouldn’t be made to go. However we all know organising a party is stressful and it’s hurtful when people drop out at the last minute with
“other plans” it’s so obviously a lie or implies a better offer came along.
give the women a bit of notice and explain you are disappointed that their relationship has declined but your daughter doesn’t want to put up with his behaviour anymore. Hopefully she will tackle her son and he will realise there is a consequence to his behaviour! You are not in the wrong here just communicate! Good luck

I think it’s fine to make an excuse to the mum re the party, but since he is hurting her at school it’s up to them to deal with it. You need to tell them every time he hurts her and push them to manage the situation so it doesn’t escalate

I'd say 'we have a family party that day. Hope X has a wonderful birthday'. In my opinion, it's the school that has to address this child's behaviour- not you.

You need to tell her the truth for the sake of your daughter. What you're modelling here is to minimise abuse and not speak up or stick up for yourself. This really isn't a lesson you want your child taking with her in life. You need to ensure the school is protecting your child from abuse also. There's no point in her telling you if you're not going to do anything about it. It's your job to make sure your child is safe and happy, if she learns to not bother telling you about this kind of thing now, this will continue as she grows up. You need to advocate for your child. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but you can't let that continue!

I don't understand why so many people are happy to lie.

I would say:

Hi X, I've just checked with DD re the party and unfortunately it seems the issues between her and Y are continuing at school so she doesn't feel he's her friend right now and she doesn't want to come.
I'll have another chat with the school about how they can support the kids with resolving this, but as it isn't sorted at the moment we will have to decline the invitation.
I hope Y has a great party.
Yourname xx

Honest and kind is always best.

I'm shocked at how accepting you, the school and the boy's parents are about his violent behaviour. Are you all waiting for him to actually seriously injure another child before you take action? What if your daughter had been impaled on those railing or lost an eye?
I'm not unsympathetic to the boy but it's also not doing him any favours to let him continually get away with it. It will only get worse and he may end up in big trouble because you're all sending the message that it's ok for him to hurt others.

I know this has (hopefully) been resolved but I wanted to add my thoughts. In terms of your daughter’s wellbeing, it doesn’t actually matter that the other child has additional needs. She’s being hurt, period. That’s not okay and I feel for her. Yes okay there’s the argument that the other child should be getting extra support but also he shouldn’t be hitting. Additional needs is not an excuse. He needs to know not to do that. And if he genuinely cannot understand or learn that he shouldn’t hit or lash out then he will sadly not have many friends and that’s the hard truth of it.

Tell a white lie to the mum, but tell the truth to the school. The little boy obviously cannot help it, but he needs to be more closely supervised if he is to be in a mainstream school.

I think you should have a conversation with the Mum .The school doesn't appear to be aware /bothered about the problem . Maybe the mum isn't either or doesn't realise that this behaviour has escalated. This is about more than a birthday party
In any case , your daughter doesn't need to be putting up with this so I'm afraid you will have to steel yourself and have a (for you) uncomfortable chat. Approach the Mum....maybe suggest a coffee ? Tell her you think she needs to be aware of the pushing/hitting and that its getting worse as he gets older. Explain to her as a fellow parent, your concerns for your child. Suggest she speaks to SENCO ( maybe she already has ). Her response to this will give you a clearer idea of how to deal with the issue going forward.
If school is already aware they should have done a risk assessment and have a plan in place. Don't be afraid to let the school know what's going on. I'm sure they will understand that you priority has to be your child's well being and her education.

Am really surprised by the number of people saying keep the party separate and make up an excuse as to why your DD can’t go. I’d explain — nicely — exactly why your DD doesn’t want to go, saying what you’ve said here. The ball’s then in their court… (I would also then, as PPs have said, talk to the school because they’re not doing their job if your DD feels there’s no alternative other than putting up with it.)

Yes, ir sounds as though the school are not doing what they should.
This is a safeguarding issue.

Good for your DD for standing up for herself and having boundaries about what she’ll put up with. Please support her to stay like that, tell her you’re on her side and you’ll do what you can to try to get school to do something about this too. The boy is being let down too as he shouldn’t be allowed to just attack people without any consequences, that’s not helping him either - but as PPs have said, the school also has a duty to protect the other kids.

Your dd has to spend all day at school knowing she could be about to be hurt, that’s horrible and no wonder she’d rather not spend her spare time in that situation as well.

Your DH is (probably not consciously) training her that as a girl she can just suck up what boys dish out and that is a message she’ll get a lot. She needs to be reassured it’s ok to prioritise her own safety.

if I was the mum I’d want to know. If school can’t prevent him being violent then they need to look at other options. Ultimately it won’t help the boy if he’s allowed to keep hurting other kids - they’ll avoid him or eventually someone will thump him back. I know sorting this out is easier said than done but it’s not your DDs responsibility.

Re: addressing the party acceptance or not - I’m not keen on the fact that your husband thinks he knows how to handle it and gives you the benefit if his wisdom. He should speak to the parents if he knows best. He won’t do though because this is wifework.
I agree with all the posters saying you (and your husband) need to tell the school every time. Ask what they’re doing to protect your child. Keep doing it till you see action.

I would try to speak privately to one of the parents and quietly tell the truth that your daughter has been hurt so does not want to go to the party.

I would say something like pizza heart said . As a little girl she should not have to suffer this kind of thing.she probably feels powerless as no one seems to be helping at school.

I'd be honest in advance of the party, and explain that, while you hope they can be friends again, you aren't going to make your daughter spend time with someone who hits and pushes her. The other mum might be upset, but the alternatives (doing the 'be kind' thing and making your daughter go, faking a last minute emergency reason to cancel, or telling a lie) would be worse.

The bigger issue, though, is that your daughter is being subjected to physical aggression and feels so let down by the adults around her that she's no longer seeing a point in telling people when she's being hurt. You need to take action with the school to keep her safe and support her in developing a sense that she does not deserve to and should not have to tolerate violence.

Don’t lie. You can use diplomatic phrasing, but you need to tell the mother that DD doesn’t want to go because the boy keeps hurting her.

Absolutely don’t fabricate a last minute lie- that’s shitty.

You need to tell the school every time it happens. Your daughter needs you to step up, and at the moment you are teaching her that she has to tolerate repeated violence.

Schools are in a shocking position. Funding cuts are so severe that children who need 1:1 don’t get it. When they can’t manage mainstream provision their needs overwhelm them. Report every incident, ask how incidents are recorded. Ask the headteacher what s/he is doing to safeguard your child. Schools need huge amounts of evidence to get funding for individual children with SEND, because govt don’t fund LAs adequately either.

The kindest and most respectful thing to do for the boy’s mum will be to tell her the truth. She will know you are making excuses with whatever story you come up with, but might assume it’s because of your prejudices rather than her son’s actual behaviour. If she doesn’t know the truth, she can’t address it. You can say how sad you are that they aren’t friends anymore but that now you know the extent of what is going on you need to listen to your DD’s wishes.

Separately you must raise it with the school - there are lots of things they can do now, even without a full time one to one.

OP, you say that ‘Well she firmly refuses to go’.
Well, that’s it. Your DD cannot be forced to go nor should this be entertained.

As her parent, it is for you to manage the diplomacy & I am sure that another urgent unexpected family engagement (e.g. Great Aunt Lucy over from Peru) will suffice.

Ideally, a gentle & honest discussion well beforehand would have been preferable where the respective parents & children would have had time to reflect & possibly come up with a workable outcome so that the children’s friendship could continue without fear or thumping. Buuut the party invitation has pre-empted this & interestingly the boy’s father was already aware that his son had hurt your DD.

Your DD’s stance is fair & good for her stating her opinion & keeping her boundaries. Respect.

She will know it’s a lie. I think be honest about the physical stuff. The teachers must have already mentioned it.

I am so sorry, I chatted to Lucy about the party and she has been upset recently by Tom, he has pushed and hit her a few times. She doesn’t want to go to the party because if that, and David and I have decided we won’t force her under the circumstances. We hope Tom has a great birthday.