Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

The mum said she understands... Now I feel like crap.

You should feel like crap @Exegete for condoning the violence this boy is inflicting on your daughter, for not standing up for her, expecting her to endure it and excusing your lack of support for your daughter because he can't help it and his parents can't do anything about it.

You should be putting the safety and well being of your daughter first and not the feelings of this boy and his parents.

Tell her your daughter is unwell on that day and have a word with tbe teacher about the incidents. Ask your daughter to keep a diary of events and show the teacher. Escalate to headteacher and then the board if nothing gets done and she is still getting hurt.

My daughter has started to refuse to go to parties with boys who have hurt her - once - or whose behaviour she doesn't like. I absolutely think it's her right to do so and her boundaries to protect herself / not to put herself in a situation she won't enjoy should be respected.

I wouldn't want to go to a party given by someone who had shoved me up against railings on a regular basis. No adult would.

You've done the perfect thing, honest and kind.

The much, much bigger issue is that your DD doesn't feel there's any point telling either yourself or the teachers when someone is physically hurting her.

This is extremely bad, and is a safeguarding failure by the school. She should feel it is an absolute requirement to tell an adult if this is happening.

Children should not be failing to report this 'because no-one does anything' - it should be stopped and if it isn't it may well escalate to a point where the boy does something which causes him to be excluded. He may not be able to control himself but he does need to get the message (and the children observing and on the receiving end also need to get the message) that this behaviour is not acceptable.

It isn't in anyone's interests for your DD to feel she has to remain silent - I would question why she has that message, it's extremely concerning.

you need to advocate for your dd. She is being assaulted and the school and you are letting it happen. You are teaching her to accept abuse

This. It’s not on at all.

The boy should be in a SEN school or have a one on one assistant if he is unable to behave. He could really hurt your dd.

100% you did the right thing gently being honest.
the parents are going to be under a lot of stress trying to parent a high needs kid and navigate the woeful world of additional support. They don’t have energy to spare for wondering whether kids are going to come to a party or not and thinking that if the turnout is low that it’s because people are busy and they should just find a better date/different place/ try harder/ try again…. You’ve done thr right thing.

Your DD is 7 - she should be allowed to make some decisions for herself. You don't have to make her go to a party when she clearly does not want to. So just tell the Mum thank you - but DD has said she does not want to go and as you are teaching her about decision making and negotiation etc etc - be it right or wrong and whether her reasoning is valid or otherwise - she needs to learn that she may miss out on fun stuff - so be it!! Wish the birthday kid a great time and leave it at that!!

As a teacher and a mum, definitely tell the parents! He even if he has learning difficulties they need to learn to keep their hands to themselves so when out in society they can cope etc, but also it’s not fair on your daughter. I think the parents would rather know so they can start to deal with it and get their son on the right track rather than thinking people just don’t want to go to the party. I would want to know if I was his mum.

I would be honest. I have kids with additional needs, his mom will know what his behaviour is like , there's no.point in making an excuse up.

To say you have a flat tyre or something whilst on the way to the party would be so.much worse.

For her to spend money and organise the party and for her son to be waiting and then people don't turn up will be so much more upsetting for them both. At least if she knows in advance there may not be enough people for a party, she can arrange a special trip out for him instead.

This. Why @Exegete are you standing idly by whilst your daughter is a punch bag for this boy? Why is your kindness directed at this boy and not your daughter?

What a terrible lesson you are teaching her.

You will find that most schools these days do not have the budget for 1:1 staff. We have had 11 staff leave since last September. 9 of them were TAs and 6 of those were 1:1s. They have not been replaced because the school is over budget. There is simply no money. We rely on our amazing PTA to raise money so that the children can have the basics. There is no quick answer for any of this.

I would feel alone and hopeless if I was a child and my mum didn't tell the teacher that another child regularly hurt me. You need to report the many attacks that have already taken place.

Your daughter is being physically abused. If school aren’t going anything about this child you need to request she moves schools. This is awful. Poor kid.

I agree with this too. Frankly, I'm a bit shocked the OP seems more concerned about the reaction of this parent to a party than her own daughter being hurt. Invite someone round so you arent "lying" WTAF??? does she monitor your house 24/7 then for signs of deception then?

This is the problem with people pleasing- you get so caught up in what others think that you end up ignoring the needs and rights of yourself and your family. People pleasing is damaging and this is a prime example of it.

You can tell the truth in a kind and respectful manner -it's not either flat out ridiculous lie or be extremely rude. There is a huge middle ground in between and I don't understand why you seem to be ignoring that

Yep.

Your poor DD. She's been repeatedly hit by this child, and now doesn't even bother telling you or teachers because she thinks that's just how it is.

Fuck that. This needs dealt with, sensitively sure, but it needs dealt with. Your DD should feel safe and know that adults will look after her. That's your priority, OP.

The truth. I can't imagine why you would not. For a start off it isn't going to be any less awkward. The truth honestly works nearly every time because it is authentic.

I would be honest and gently explain what is going on and why. Otherwise she may just go with the false assumption that people are avoiding her son for his developmental differences rather than his aggressive behavior. I wouldn't do it on the day of the party when she's trying to have a nice day for her son. I would do it before the party so there's less hurt feelings about why dd(and possibly other children that have had the same experience) don't show up. I wouldn't want someone to lie to me, and it seems there's no need since they are already aware of ds behavior

You need to tell her. It would be far crueller for her to arrange a party for her child and no one turn up as they all find excuses not to go.

You should not have agreed to the party without asking your daughter anyway.

Now you have to do the difficult thing of ringing/texting and saying 'I'm sorry, I have asked my daughter and she does not want to come because your son has been hurting her recently.'

They are not toddlers. Her child is of an age where his peers will shun him if he continues to hurt them.

His parents must deal with this, along with help from the school where available.

It is not cruel, it is necessary that they manage his behaviour, whatever his additional needs.

As adults we would not accept being punched in the face because of someone's special needs without that being dealt with. I don't understand why we allow our children to be hurt.

I fought for full time 1:1 support in my sons' statements. (Now called ehcp). When my younger son became more challenging his plan was amended to full time 2:1 with provision for a third back up.

That's how you do it. You get the funding in place for adequate support

🙄um you don't need to invite friends around so you're not lying. Who's going to check? Unless you live in the same street as these people or people who are going the party.

Also agree about really pushing the school to deal with this

I wouldn't lie I would say dd doesn't want to go as they don't seem to be getting on now & if she asks any more tell her but as you said you have spoken to her DH she will know.

I have been in your situation but I also have had a child with SEN who has hurt others. You have done the right thing telling her the truth. She should understand a child who has been hurt regularly won't want to spend more time with said child- it's a natural consequence.

FWIW when my child was being hurt on a regular basis by another child I did not kick up enough fuss. I knew the autistic child couldn't help it but I should have done more sooner to advocate for my child. No child should have to put up with being assaulted regularly and to add to that see adults allowing it to reoccur or minimising it. It caused my child a lot of trauma. I really regret not doing more.

Just seen your update, OP. Would still speak to the school. Behaviour is part of their remit.

You need to speak to the school. Having a conversation with your DD about not being alone and helpless is a lie unless you follow this up with the people who can actually influence this situation.

I’d white lie it - say DH has booked something as she’s not available after all. Then I would speak to her teacher/the school as they are clearly not managing his behaviour. I wouldn’t speak to Mum directly - it happens at school, the issue is school based - let them deal with it, but make very clear that it is upsetting your child and is a daily, continual issue. Their SEN/his TA should take steps to manage it.