Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

What kind of bizarre world am I living in when we think it’s okay to send our children to school to get physically attacked? Parents, do your duty to protect your children! 🤦‍♀️

"I suppose this is what children have to deal with now everyone on all sorts of spectrums gets put in mainstream schools... and fuck every other child's feelings etc. - we are being so inclusive! Yay!"

There's always one who can't manage to make a sensible comment.

No, follow Gary lurches advice…lying or inventing excuse could bite you on bum as your daughter could blurt out to boy the real reason he angry at him or upset when he hurts her yet again.

you are also gaslighting your daughter- she doesn’t want to go with good reasons. Don’t deny that. Don’t make excuses to avoid calling t out on her behalf. And pass that info back to the mum so she can explain to her son.

state it simply and clearly- sorry mum, I going to have to decline as daughter simply doesn’t want to go. I didn’t realise how she was feeling. She is saying she is struggling with be friends with son right now as he is frequently targeting hurtling her and she is getting a bit scared. It’s sad they are having difficulties with their friendship, but I have to listen to her, and I won’t force her to go. Hope it can all be resolved soon and they can go back to being mates.

hopefully parents can absorb this and ask school for help

if the boy continues to hurt your daughter, you must escalte EVERY incident with them. As people say you’d not accept this in a workplace, why should your daughter.

I suppose this is what children have to deal with now everyone on all sorts of spectrums gets put in mainstream schools... and fuck every other child's feelings etc. - we are being so inclusive! Yay!

Stick up for your daughter and set an example, for goodness sake. Your daughters safety and well being is not less important than this boys impulses. I’m always astonished that some people are
mote concerned with offending someone than doing the right thing. Do you want your daughter to grow up and be a door mat? Call his mum and be honest. How violent does he have to be before it’s unacceptable?

Your job as a parent isn’t to protect the feelings of other parents and their children. Your job is to protect your child. Advocate for your DD ASAP and stop wasting your energy fretting about other people’s feelings. The fact you’ve let your daughter be repeatedly assaulted at school without escalating to the safeguarding lead and headteacher is pretty shocking.

If the family are only trying telling offs and think they should give up because it doesn't work then they need help too. And yes, your child has the RIGHT to feel safe.

I'd tell the truth.

This child obviously needs more help than he is getting. My friends son has gone onto to ADHD medication and it has made a big change. I am not saying this is ADHD or needs medication, but it might be that. Whatever it is that is causing the aggression the mum needs to know the facts to get him the help he needs.

You could make excuses about the party, lie etc. But do tell the truth about what your child's friend is doing. Maybe their friendship will be salvagable but only if he gets the help he needs.

She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do

How awful thst your dd feels like this! Of course she should tell the teacher and I think you should talk to the teacher too. And escalate if necessary.

SN is no excuse for him hurting other children. The school should absolutely be doing something about this.

This. They need to do something about this to try and help him learn that he can’t assault someone whenever the mood strikes, he needs to learn this behaviour is unacceptable. Why should everyone just put up with it and accept it

You really need to talk to the school about this. Quite often parents are only aware of what the teachers are willing to tell them. It sounds as though this child needs 1:1 support for his behaviour, schools are often not the most willing to apply for the help as it's costly to the school, hence they muddle through. However that's defiantly not fair on other children in the class. I would start a paper trail, send an email everytime an incident happens. Schools will have much more difficulty ignoring a problem once its in writing.

My son doesn't have the same disabilities but likely neurodiverse and is having assessmentsand can behave implusively or disproportionately. I would rather hear the truth than an excuse for sure. This won't be new news.

@Exegete you need to speak to the schoolbefore the next incident.
There's no point in waiting for something serious to happen.
Something has to be done.

Seriously talk to the school and escalate if you're not being heard.

@Exegete The big issue here is that your child is being assaulted at school on a regular basis.You need to complain to the school and ask what they are going to do to keep your child safe.

It is not acceptable that other children are expected to put up with this kind of behaviour just because the child involved has a disability. The school needs to be more proactive and put support in place for this child so the unwanted behaviour is prevented from happening.

The more you and other parents complain, the more likely the school will be forced to do something about it.

This other child's limitations and challenges are not a reason to let another child be hurt for years. Is it sad the poor child has these challenges, yes. But it's just as sad as what this child has gone thru for years because they were not protected because the mother of the boys feelings were protected instead.

In case you do return, I think you did the right thing. If you’d made an excuse and then told her later she might have asked if that was why your Dd didn’t attend the party which would have been very awkward.

Chiming in to say start teaching your daughter and telling the teacher to separate them during line ups etc. The boy is at the start of a testosterone surge now so his strength levels will only increase.

Your daughter needs to feel safe at school, regardless of whether the child has a disability or not. The school needs to manage things better so that children are safe. Perhaps school could be your point of contact here rather than the mum. Perhaps your daughter could unfortunately be unwell on the day of the party?

I think this. I imagine the mum would like to know if you can tell her the truth delicately. There's more chance of her being able to work on it with him if she knows the reason.

oh my word. she no longer kicks up a fuss because no one is protecting her. Imagine going to work each day and getting hit. Even then you have a choice and could find a new job. Your child is forced to be in close quarters with someone who attacks her. What message are you and school sending her by not protecting her? Why are you pussy footing around this mum? The child has disabilities yes, he can’t help it sure but that doesn’t mean your child should not be safe at school. The adults in this situation should be safe guarding both the boy and your child. My word. Straight to the head on Monday. I’d not be sending my child to school until they provided answers and a clear plan on how she would be protected going forward. The party is not the issue here. Protect your child.

You're going to tell the school about this week's incident though, right? Every single incident has to be reported and you have to make a song and dance about it to advocate for your daughter every single time. It's both sad and worrying that she already accepts it uncomplainingly because she knows nobody is protecting her.

"She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do."

Sorry just seen your update and that yu have spoken to the mum. It sounds as if you did that tactfully, kindly and that she understood. Hopefully this will help your daughters situation. I do believe that the truth was best in the long run. It is heartbreaking when your child is in a situation like this. And for the other mum too. Wishing you all the best

FM's are just giving sensible, balanced advice/etc

I guess the parent of the boy already has enough on their plate.
OP, do tell but before or after the party and be aware of two sides of a story. Eith way and IMO, the parent will be reasonable as they may be aware of this behaviour etc but be prepared to be surprised and listen, digest and then repsosd.

At that age children are children and some kids are like that, ie hit others for no reason and their parents are often reasonable people and will listen and try to act on complaints without having a go at the complainer and defending their kid regaldless.

good luck

I don't agree at all about lying- eg telling the parent your DD is unwell. What happens if you see the mum at the school gates and she asks your DD if she is feeling better or tries to arrange a play date to make up for the fact your DD couldn't make it?

What does this teach your DD- that she should lie to people rather than be honest about her true feelings. It's equally unkind to the mum because if enough people cancel she may well reschedule for another date and then wonder why everyone is cancelling again. Lying sounds like the kind option but it really isnt and it could cause way more hurt in the long run for everyone.

This. ^

The school needs to deal with it.

Your daughter should not just have to suck this up and endure it in silence, because it looks more compassionate to do this. Effectively that is sweeping it under the carpet.

Its not cruel for the Mum to understand that this is happening so that she can work with the school and her son on improving the situation. It's kinder to HIM if the adults involved do that.

I think (as above) you need to avoid the party and don't force your daughter to go when she really doesn't want to .
Approach the school directly, don't go to the Mum. I'm sure they will have observed this anyway but if no one is complaining they probably don't realise how bad it is (or find it easier to turn a blind eye). Keep a record from now on to let them know how often it happens, this would be not to be vindictive but to help the teacher see the whole picture and also to let them know if their approach is working and the situation is improving or not and if a different approach needs to be tried. Keep it between the school and the Mum. That is kinder and she can feel that its confidential between them and not being shared with the whole class.

You can still be kind to the Mum and the boy, but the truth is better in the long run for both of them. Plus, in my experience schools are often not very good at tackling this effectively if no one says anything. If its brought to their attention, they will see it and hopefully be able to nip these situations in the bud. Your daughter deserves no less.