Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

I’m not blaming the kids 🙄 I am critical of inclusion and think there should be more special provision for those that aren’t coping with mainstream.

This is terrible advice. Teach her daughter tolerance for being hit and hurt constantly? Bribe her to put herself in the firing line to get hurt? That's not on. Why not just tell her DD, "Sorry DD, this kids feelings matter more than your safety and right to be safe"? Then we wonder why women stay in abusive relationships. After all, their men didn't mean it or we don't want to hurt their feelings by leaving. He just gets that way sometimes and is very sorry afterwards.

We had a very similar situation but I did not tell my DC that they had to basically put up with it. Every single time they told me, I went into school and asked what they were going to do to safeguard my DC. She needs to know that you've got her back.

Please start putting her safety at a higher priority.

It’s probably too late and all done now, so no point me saying anything.

But I’m going to suggest a totally different approach, guided by the fact that that mum isn’t me, but she could be. I have a kid with severe SEN who acts out and when he was in mainstream was horribly left out and had no friends. He’s in a special school now at the cost of my savings, my house, my marriage and my sanity (so a great big up yours to the vile posters on this thread who have posted as though disabled children are an inconvenience who should just be swatted away like flies).

Can you not bribe your kid go, stay with her, make sure she doesn’t get hit, and stand back after. By all means you / the parents need to work with school to make sure the boy has support so these things don’t happen. And of course your daughter needs to speak up when she’s hurt.

But I also feel it’s ok to teach kids tolerance. My mum always made me invite the SEN kids to my parties and made me go to theirs. I think it made me a more tolerant, kind person (something many on mumsnet or their little princelings and princesses wouldn’t know if it bit them in the arse).

There were people who did similar ‘my child doesn’t want to play with your child’ exchanges with me and even though it was a few years back every one of them was a wound which will never heal. Every one of those mothers I still hate with a burning passion. I’d like to say there were kind inclusive parents who helped scaffold exchanges with my child but there were none. He never got invited anywhere. No one played with him. He knew this and hated himself. He wanted to die when he was only 6, can you imagine this? He was so lonely and had internalised from others that he was worthless. He used to name all the kids he wanted me to invite for playdates because with his limited understanding he thought they were his friends, and I’d lie and pretend I’d texted the parents to ask and then claim an excuse because I knew they’d say no.

I share this in the spirit of helping you understand that what for you is a ‘cringe, awks’ type exchange is likely something that will be remembered forever by this child and mother, as they are for me and my son. Just bear that in mind.

I really believe you can find a balance with supporting your daughter and not breaking a disabled child’s heart.

Also @Alphavilla I'm so sorry that your daughter is experiencing this, that's truly awful. Must be very frustrating for her trying to juggle behaviour whilst also trying to teach. Teachers have enough hoops to jump through as it is. I feel for her, I trained to be a teacher and ended up going for support roles instead in the end. There is not enough support for teachers.

Yeah sorry @x2boys , but this poster is correct. EHCPs are rare to come across and, quite often, even if the child does have one the schools tend to only receive partial funding for them. Depending upon budget, if they don't have enough to fund a full time 1:1 then they will sometimes only fund part time. It's crap but that's the state that this government has allowed schools to get into nationally. It's appalling and creating so many issues. I've been a 1:1 myself and work in schools so I can tell you firsthand that this is how it is.

The problem is the EHCP funding does not fund the cost of a full time 1 to 1 member of staff, nowhere near. It should, but it doesn't, even on existing piss poor levels of pay. Which leaves schools incredibly stretched.

It's getting really hard to recruit TAs in many areas as you can earn more in a number of other much less demanding and responsible jobs.

I think it's best to be honest for your daughter's sske.
Maybe, something tactful, apologetic even, but truthful.
I'm really sorry but DD doesn't want to go to the party ( or, if you prefer, I don't want her to go), because your lad has hurt her. We're used to his pushing her, and we know it's not malicious, we know it's how he is, but as he's getting bigger and stronger, he's now actually hurting her. I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I do understand DD's point.

This way you are not having to lie nor are you inadvertently teaching DD that lies are the way to deal with an unpleasant situation.
My best wishes for dealing with this continuung situation via the school.

I would be more concerned about how powerless your daughter feels than about the feelings of these parents.

She's, what, eight? And is essentially resigned to being another kid's punchbag / emotional support human because the adults in her life can't or won't do anything about it.

Great life lesson right there.

@x2boys in Scotland an EHCP isn't even a thing. Even with one in England it's near impossible to get a 1:1

This.

I think you did the right thing op. Often sen is OK or mangable at the lower end of primary school but falls apart as they get older.
Either poor kid isn't getting the correct support or the setting is no longer suitable.

@CaliforniaHereWeCome1

'Personally I find it appalling that disruptive violent children like this are sent to mainstream schools. It’s not fair on them or the other children.'

That's an actual child you're talking about. Where do you suggest they are put? Do you know how hard it is to first of all find and then get a place at a special school?

Blame underfunding, but don't blame the kids who are as distressed by their behaviour as everyone around them is!

I think you've dropped the ball here, and also that the school is failing everyone in this situation. Your child has given up on your ability to protect her, which is very sad for both of you.

You need to contact the school and say enough is enough and they need to find a way to meet the needs of all the children in the class, including - and especially - figuring out how to keep all the children safe.

I think you should talk to the mother too. I think it's actually worse to weasel out of the invitation than to be candid.

Surely the school communicates with her about her child's difficulties in social situations there?

If a child has an EHCP.which states they need a 1:1 by law they have to be provided with one ,they 1:1 will be employed to work with the child with disabilities and be funded from the EHCP funding .

What are school.dong??
It sounds like the child has significant disabilities, its not his fault and I'm speaking as the parent of a severely autistic teenager whose behaviour is incredibly challenging at times, but his special school deals with him.
But he can't go round hitting other children, does he even have an EHCP ,1:1 etc?
School sounds like they are failing h to safeguard both children here.

"Hi [Mum name] I'm so sorry, there's no easy way to say this, but when I told DD about [child]'s party, she said that she doesn't want to come because he has been hitting her and shoving her at school. So we will respect her wishes. Like I said, really sorry to pull out and I hope he has a lovely birthday."

Yes, if a 1 to 1 is needed it should be provided. Of course it's getting harder and harder to recruit to these roles as it's a difficult, very responsible job and paid crap wages.

The Government (and the opposition, politicians in general really) don't really care about inclusion, just lip service to it and the 'look' of things.

There needs to be better pay and training for TAs who do 1 to 1 jobs.

There need to be more, better resourced special schools for those children for whom standard school is not the best option.

None of this is happening nor is it proposed by any opposition parties.

My son (not violent) had 1 to 1 all through primary school. If it’s needed to keep him and other children from harm then it absolutely should be provided- funded by the local authority

I'm sorry but that is just wrong. Safeguarding - the safety of all the children in the school - is a legal requirement and if children are being physically harmed because the staff can't prevent it, that is a reason to exclude the child doing the harming. It is just flat wrong that they can't do anything. Did they REALLY say they couldn't guarantee your children's safety? That's appalling - try Ofsted?

It doesn't make any sense from an 'inclusion' point of view because children can see how unfair it is and are unlikely to come out of that situation wanting anything to do with SEN children or adults if that's their experience, as self preservation more than anything else. As we've seen in this case with OP's DD definitely unwilling to continue friendship or any unforced contact with this child.

You can force children to be in school but you cannot force them to be friends with anyone, and they're not going to choose friends who hurt them. It should be the adults' responsibility to manage the situation so this doesn't happen.

I think this is the best approach, OP. It also sounds like the mum is a sensible sort and has taken it well. Don't feel terrible, it isn't your fault. You did the right and honest thing. Any other course of action would be unhelpful to this other mum and set the wrong example to both your DD and her DS.

It's never nice to be bearer of bad news, but you didn't cause it.

It is shocking I agree even more shocking is that both this poor girls parents are putting the boys and his parents feelings above the safety and welfare of their own daughter.

What will it take for them to advocate and protect their daughter, her ending up in A&E with a head injury, concussion, a broken bone? The OP has already said the boy is getting stronger he will get stronger still as other posters have pointed out and more aggressive when testosterone kicks in.

That poor girl.

Exactly this.

Three out of four of my primary school aged children have been assaulted by different pupils with SEN. My eldest quite badly and over a long period of time.
Both headteacher and governors (yes, I took it that far) said their "hands were tied" and these children can't be removed from school and, hence, they couldn't guarantee my child(ren)s safety.
I have had my eyes truly opened over the last few years. But yay for inclusion!!

Make an excuse to the mum and talk to the teacher about the aggressive behaviours. I’ve been on both sides of this and it would be cruel to tell the mum why you aren’t going. She is almost certainly going through hell and doesn’t need to be made to feel worse about behaviours that are effectively beyond her control. However, you should speak to the teacher asap and escalate to the Head and governing body if necessary. Your child has a right to feel safe at school and no one should be allowed to hurt her, regardless of SEN or any other issues.

Yeah, truth hurts.