Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

Don't invite friends from school over. It may mean even fewer going to the boy's party.

I'd tell the mum that your daughter has said that she doesn't want to go because her son has been pushing her!

Don't do this. Give the mum notice.

Agree

I’m going to disagree with the others and say absolutely tell her the truth!!

Literally say to her: thanks again for your kind invitation but i’m sorry to say we now won’t be able to make it. I’ve told DD about the party but she has asked not to go because your DS is regularly hitting her at school.

Then you can decide how you want to proceed further about the matter.

If you go to the school (which i think you should), it’s possible she’ll find out and figure out why you cancelled anyway.

It’s not cruel to tell his mum the truth. What’s cruel is that your DD is being hit at school.

There’s not much point telling your dd she should always tell you when it happens if you’re not going to do anything about it.

How on earth have you let it get to this stage if it’s been happening for years? It’s not his fault but that doesn’t mean it should be happening. You should have kicked up a stink with the school for not safeguarding your DD from the very start.

This child has extra needs that the school isn’t managing. It’s not ok to routinely physically assault other people and have it shrugged off, in no adult office environment would this be ok. I know I’m venting here but I will never understand why we are comfortable sending our children to places where we know they will be attacked and nothing will be done.

I'm with this. Said silly I spoke to dd ans she doesn't wish to go because of being hit scared etc. And speak the school and keep speaking up every time. Yes it's SAS the child has challenges but that does not trump your dd or any of the children's safety.

I agree with what most other posters here, make up a lie about the party and then take it up with the school. I actually think this is a good time to demonstrate to your daughter that just because he can't help it, it doesn't make it your daughter's responsibility to put up with it. Equally the school have a duty of care to all pupils including your daughter and if this child is in mainstream school then the onus is on school to manage it correctly both for the boy's sake, to ensure he doesn't end up isolated from his peers, and for all other pupils too.

As an aside, this is why I hate Facebook posts like 'this SEN child threw a party and not one person came; teach your child to be kind etc etc' Because the reality of the situation is often a little more complex than is suggested.

Yes I agree with this. Also, be careful that your daughter isn't, even inadvertently, being conditioned to accept this behaviour from the men/women she will meet in her adult life. She needs to know she can set clear boundaries and keep herself safe. 🌹

Word it exactly as you have done here. ‘’I’m really sorry, but DD has told me that she doesn’t feel comfortable attending the party because your son regularly hurts her. She knows he gets frustrated etc and she doesn’t blame him for it, but she’s afraid of being hit if she attends’’ Job done, nothing wrong with it, you’re over thinking. You won’t offend her if you let her know that she isn’t placing blame. Even if she does actually blame him, you can avoid upsetting the mum in the moment, but hopefully she will be sufficiently mortified to try and intervene.

There seems to be a lot of acceptance and shoulder shrugging going on here.
"It's just the way he is" is not good enough. The other children should have to put up with it just because the school can't address it properly.

Why are you letting this child bully your dd at school?

But what are you actually going to do about it? One of my core memories is my mother doing nothing to actually stop the abuse at school at the same age. It took me a long time to learn (as an adult) that I didn't have to let people treat me badly. I'll never quite forgive her for that.

Just an additional point, OP, well done to your DD for refusing to go. A lot of children, especially girls, would suck it up to keep the peace. She's been honest and assertive in her own interests and those are qualities to be proud of.

Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.

^

'Because there's nothing we can do'

Do you realise what this is teaching your daughter?

What's all this passive pussy footing around making excuses??!

This lad hits your daughter and you have to keep quiet about it?!

You're not going because he hurt your child. Final.

Apart from the party issue I agree with PP you need to go back to the school and escalate this. If the class teacher is aware and not taking effective action, you need to go to the head teacher. It’s not about blaming the boy but your DD has a right to feel safe at school.

Ffs, stick up for your DD. I feel outraged on behalf she's had to put up with this!

Party is a separate issue but I'm glad she is refusing to go.

Tell her the truth, kindly. Avoiding it helps no one. You can’t expose your daughter to violence from this boy whether it’s his fault or not.

I would say you forgot a prior engagement (easily done). If there are updates since you last spoke to school then raise with them. Also I feel this post is quite identifiable if the mum read it

I'd tell her you've spoken to your daughter about the party invitation and it appears they have fallen out and she doesn't want to come.

I'd be honest with her.

'Thank you for the invite but DD doesn't want to because your DS shoved her roughly and it has put her off'

Do it sensitively and not in earshot of others, but be direct. You can always add that you understand children have their ups and downs and that there are no hard feelings, but you won't put DD in a position she's uncomfortable with.

I wouldn't go to the school before giving his mum this heads up, tbh. As you're acquainted with her, I'd give her chance to address it first. PPs are saying she probably already knows about his behaviour, and that may be true in a general sense, but how can she address it with him if she never gets the specifics? If I were her, I'd thank you for letting me know, apologise and then ask my DS why he did that. She can't do that unless you give her opportunity.

My DD has additional needs and I would like to know if she’s behaving badly towards someone in the class.
I would tell her that sadly it turned that Jack was very rough towards Evie at school, she’s very upset about it so considering the situation you think it would be better for her to skip the party. I would also add that you hope that things get better and they will be friends again ( if you do think so)
I know that it’s not boy’s fault he probably not getting enough/ right support but why should your DD suffer?