Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

It’s not about being uninformed. It’s about ensuring things are done when other people are harmed, regardless of the reason.

(edited for typo)

Unless you gently tell the truth, this will keep occuring in the future.

It doesn't matter. Other children shouldn't have to deal with being hurt by someone who has a disability. It doesn't mean it can't be handled sensitively, but being sensitive doesn't mean allowing your own child to be their punching bag.

I think I'd gently tell the truth:
Mary, I mentioned the party to dd and she immediately got upset. She says xxx is always hitting and pushing her at school and she feels nothing can be done about it. I think we better take a rain check. I'm so sorry, but I have to respect dd and help her sort this out.

Exactly this. Don’t try and tiptoe around the subject and don’t assume the parents know exactly what’s going on. Since the teachers clearly aren’t addressing it, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re not speaking to the parents.

I don’t know why people are advising differently. Not hurting the feelings of the boys mother doesn’t take priority over your child’s safety. So far you seek to be teaching your daughter that this boy is allowed to hit her because it’s “not his fault”.

Given that I was in OP's daughter's position (see my previous post), I disagree with this. I think the mother needs to know that her son's support needs are not being met, and the consequences are that OP's daughter is being hit. Its absolutely not about blame/fault. The son may very well be unable to help it. Depending on his degree of disability, he may not be able to learn that its not okay to hit others. But in that case, he needs a much higher rate of supervision and support than he's currently getting. Little girls can't be the collatoral damage here.

Personally I’d tell a white lie. They know he does this. Nothing can be gained from the truth other than the mum feeling hurt he’s losing friends over it.

Agree with LAMPS every word.

Yes the “easy” (pathetic) people pleaser option is to lie through your teeth but for both children’s sake you need to do the harder yet right thing. Explain to the mum calmly and kindly the truth. The parents need to know. If it sinks in their son is beginning to be rejected by his peers and facing negative consequences himself for his behaviour they might be more proactive in getting him more support.

He has a disability and is non verbal. Ffs. Are people really this dumb/uninformed about disability? At least the OP has some sensitivity.

I wouldn't be approaching the mum tbh, you need to be speaking to the school, it's their job to speak to the mum.

Firstly I would be completely honest with this child's mum as sensitively as you can of course, she needs to know and lying to her will serve no purpose. And secondly, the school is not doing enough to protect your daughter from regular assault. This will have a lasting impact on her if it's not dealt with properly. She deserves to feel safe at school, in the same way that the other child deserves a high level of support to promote his understanding that while it's ok to feel frustrated, it's NOT ok to hurt others He needs to be taught safer ways to express his frustration.

I know you don't mean to but you're teaching your daughter that she needs to accept going to a place every day where she faces abuse and nothing is done, that's a dangerous lesson to teach a 7 year old, you need to put your big girl pants on and make sure this little boy NEVER hurts your daughter again. I'm astounded you've left her to face this alone for so long and seem to have convinced her they were friends at one point, friends don't hurt you 🤷‍♀️

There was a kid with an acquired brain injury in my sons class at school, he had awful outbursts but ultimately it wasn't his fault. It was such a sad situation as you could see his needs weren't being met and this was in a SN school !

It's s tricky one, whilst I wouldn't want to see a child left out because of his disability at the same time I wouldn't want my child to be hurt or feel threatened. Definitely have a chat to the mum, she may be unaware or may be trying to get him out of his current school into a more suitable setting. This could be helpful evidence for her

Oh no don't intentionally let them down last minute! That's awful.

I absolutely hate lying. The only exception I'm prepared to make is a small lie that spares someone else's feelings and is entirely for their own good, rather than letting myself off the hook. I'd say this is one of those times, OP.

I was in your daughter's position once. We were younger (maybe 5-6) but the boy used to grab me and kiss me forcibly on a regular basis, and put his hands on my body in ways I did not like. I was literally expected to tolerate it because he was intellectually disabled, and was made to go to his birthday party. In retrospect I find it pretty awful. Of course it wasn't his fault, and he wasn't capable of retaining the information that he shouldn't do it, but the school just allowed this to happen, repeatedly. The message to me was that accomodating him was more important than my boundaries.

Tell the truth. It helps no one if you lie

Tell her the truth, how are his parents to know the extent of his behaviour issues at school if the kids who are experiencing it are not telling school/parents and/or no ones telling his parents?

There may not be a lot they can do, but they certainly cannot do ANYTHING if they don't know the full extent!

OP, please don’t make up an excuse. The mum needs to know that the school aren’t managing her child’s needs properly and that her son is becoming isolated from his peers because of that.

Tell the mum the truth. Yes it will be hard for her to hear but shouldn’t be glossed over, now you know about it, as that helps neither child.

You can do it in a kind and gentle way. it is a shared problem that you both need help from the school to solve.

Tell her that you were very surprised by your DD’s reaction when you mentioned the party in that she was adamant that she was fed up of being hurt and pushed about by him and didn’t want to expose herself to any more of it than necessary at school, so wouldn’t be going to his party. Tell her how upset you were to hear her say that, not only for your own DD, but also for her son, because it seems she has become a target for him to take out his frustrations on and obviously that isn’t being monitored, which neither of you can allow to continue.
Ask her to have a word with the teacher, about her son’s growing isolation from his friends because of this issue and tell her you will be doing the same so that you can both find out how it will be managed properly going forward. Tell her you feel for her in this situation but you are sure she understands that you too, must advocate for your own child.
Finally, tell her that as your DD is upset about it all, you have made other fun day trip arrangements for her in lieu of the party.

Then talk to the class teacher urgently about this and tell her what has happened. Insist that a new and much more effective strategy is put in place to safeguard your DD from this little boy as it has become a growing daily occurrence which is now seriously impacting her health and well-being. Tell the teacher that you have asked your DD to alert the teacher or TA to every incident where this little boy slaps, pushes or is otherwise bullying her and that you insist that all such incidents are recorded properly as you will be doing the same at home to help monitor the situation. Arrange a follow up meeting date to show how serious you are about this being managed properly. When you get home, make a record of what was said and date it.

Not the point of the thread but as a teacher this kind of issue is on the rise at the moment. We get pitifully little funding to support children with SEN which means that children who can be violent are often without a one-to-one staff member. Many special schools are full or closed now so we have much higher numbers of children with SEN than ever before. It can be extraordinarily hard to manage violent incidents in class, especially when they’re unpredictable. It’s a really sad situation for the children who are getting hurt as well as the children with SEN who desperately need more support. It’s one of the many reasons teachers are leaving the profession in droves.

Where did you get "every day" from? OP hasn't said that at all.

Can people just attempt to read OP before going off?

I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared

Just say that.

I may be wrong but I don't think OP meant the DD's school friends. Just her own friends as a reason to be unavailable.

Your daughter is getting hurt at school every day because you don’t want to upset another child’s mother. Why would she bother telling you when it happens when you’re doing sweet fuck all about it?

At the moment it is 74% YANBU: tell the truth (how?) from wise mumsnetters,

@Zyq makes a good point about not taking potential guests away from his party - maybe one child/best friend only? Might look like a deliberate snub too.