Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

I would encourage all children to tell the teacher every time it happens. He cannot be allowed to hurt with impunity. They should be aware of all triggering incidents to best support and protect all children. Telling school enables this to happen.
Eg if transitions/lining up are triggering, the chuld should be always at the front of the line or sent in first. A simple fix. Repeat for lunches etc. A simple "if you hurt you are not safe. You must be safe to play outside" type behaviour plan with clear consequences should be put in place for that child and communicated to their parents.

1. All behaviour is communication, so their hitting means they need more support to navigate some interactions and times kf day. School must be proactive in providing this whilst at the same time having boundaries and consequences for lashing out.

That's what I do in my class with a similar scenario and now all children feel safe and violence has massively decreased.

Is there not a number on the invite? Tell
her your sorry DD can’t make it after all.

For the hitting etc go via the school. Tell them what’s been happening and ask them how they will keep your dd safe. Report every incident to them.

But the "wise mumsnetters" overwhelmingly voted that you should tell the mother of the abusive child the truth.

The party - make an excuse and don’t force her to go.

The hitting. - teach your daughter she must tell someone EVERY time it happens. She doesn’t have to put up with this.

This disabled boy and his classmates are being utterly failed.

He can’t help his behaviour but the school can / should be helping him. If prone to unprovoked outbursts that are putting others at risk and in fear - he needs a 1:1 trained to spot his triggers and reduce the likelihood of him attacking others and also team teach to be able to physically intervene if necessary to keep him and others safe The only way he will get this level of support (as money is so tight) is evidence.

Every incident needs logging so the school can build a case to get the support he needs. So both pupils and parents need to be saying something to the school.

Please don’t feel bad ‘telling on the disabled kid’ - you are not being mean or nasty. You are (1) trying quite tightly to protect your child as is your duty and right and (2) indirectly probably helping this little lad get the right support he needs.

Mine both are disabled / have sen and there came a point where no matter how nice the idea of ‘inclusion’ is in a mainstream school is - it just didn’t meet their needs.

One did better with 1:1 in mainstream but ultimately both needed and thrived in specialist provisions that had people fully trained and the staffing levels required to manage the children’s complex needs.

Please speak up to the school - not just for your daughters sake but to help this little boy get help too.

Probably too late now but I'd tell the truth. You don't have to do it in a confrontational way. I really don't understand all the "dont do it relating to the party " answers. It does relate to the party.

"Hi, I know I said DD could come to the party but unfortunately she really doesn't want to. She's told me your DS has been hitting her a lot recently, and that she's scared to be around him. "

You said you don't know the mum well, you're not friends so if she did take offence, it's no loss. She will kniw what her sons issues are.

First answer was the best answer. White lie now and bring up the pushing issue separately.

You don't even care that much about the party (fair enough). Don't turn this into a messy issue with the party as a red herring, or sound like you're punishing her DS, being petty, etc. She'll figure out anyway why you weren't too keen on the party once you raise the pushing issue.

Your grievance and desire to protect your DD is legitimate so keep it clean, separate and politics free.

Telling the truth gives the mother and child opportunities to fully recognise how his behaviour has got out of hand and motivation to attempt different ways of overcoming the behaviour, which it sounds like everyone generally just accepts. Just say
“Thank you for your kind invitation but I spoke with dd and she doesn’t wish to attend because she’s been feeling a little scared of your son’s behaviour recently, more specifically when he is physical with her. I’ll continue to help her understand why your son sometimes behaves this way, and I hope they can get their friendship back on track, but it’s important I respect her wishes and don’t put her in a position where I make her do things she’s not comfortable with. I hope your son has a lovely party”.

Your daughter deserves to feel safe and happy at school

Yoir daughter needs to know her parents have her back.

I think you should tell this woman that you're not happy with your dd regularly being assaulted by her son. Would you ok with being beaten a man on a regular basis? I would also report every incident to the school. Your daughter deserves to feel safe and happy at school.

"she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do"

Well I can see how she has arrived at that conclusion although it's more that you don't do anything rather thank can't. Be kiiiind, he can't help it.

It's disgusting and heartbreaking that your daughter has got to the point where she just accepts being hurt and doesn't bother telling anyone because nobody will do anything.

She is your priority. Not him. And certainly not his mum's feelings.

The school need your boot up their arse. They are failing all the children and it is not acceptable.

My sons have autism and have been the violent ones and believe me when the school put them in a situation where they were able to hurt another child I was furious. That should not be allowed to happen. It is a failure in the schools duty of care.

This is a good idea!

Most have said to be honest. You're first reaction of ehag to say was spot on. What will you do if she says well have his party at a different time so that your dd can come?

I’m also shocked to see this has been going on for a few years now. Your daughter is learning that a boy can be violent towards her and there’s no point in her even mentioning it.

Please push the school hard to get the protection your DD needs!

💯

He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite.

OP, I would look into whether the school are using your daughter as a pacifier for this boy. It is not female responsibility to keep violent boys calm.

Have you asked for her to be moved to a different class?

This.

If op then approaches the school, don’t you think the mum will figure it out anyway, and also know people were lying to her? Personally i think that’s worse. The mum will find out the truth anyway, either now or soon.

But the school are not meeting their responsibility to OP’s dd.

It’s better the mum knows what is happening in school. I’d rather know kids weren’t coming to the party due to the violent behaviour rather than because they just don’t like him.

So that gives him a get- out-of- jail card and permits him to hit other children, hold them against the rails etc. I’m sorry, this behaviour needs to be managed for the safety of all children. He’s eight now and will be getting bigger and stronger soon, and will be able do serious harm.

There’s a collective failure here to protect a child who is being hit or shoved regularly and a father who thinks it’s more important to spare others’ feelings than protect his own daughter. What message does it give dd about the world she lives in. The school should be doing more to safeguard her and her parents should advocate for her, not fear being seen as ‘cruel and selfish’ to others.

Yeah and for that you speak to the teachers because the school has a responsibility to meet the needs of SEN kids and to ensure others kids safety. You don’t tell the mum that her son is violent and that your daughter doesn’t want to come to his birthday party. She knows - she probably thinks about it every moment of the day. Have some compassion- it’s brutal. This is nowhere near the same as tolerating bullying.

This in spades.

Sorry, OP, but this party should be the least of your worries.

I have to be blunt here because I'm so shocked - what the fuck have you taught your 7 year old daughter that she's regularly physically abused by another (male) child and has stopped telling any adult about it because they won't do anything about it? Jesus Christ.

Whether this little boy is culpable for his actions or not is neither here nor there - his needs are a totally separate issue for his parents and and the school and frankly none of your concern. Your daughter's well-being, on the other hand, is YOUR responsibility and you are failing her.

I've no doubt it comes from a good place of wanting to be (or be seen as) kind and inclusive but you are over-focused on your sympathy for this other child to the extent you're willing to over-look the physical abuse of your daughter while teaching her that this is 'friendship'. You are in fact 'sad' that your daughter is no longer 'friends' with the boy who regularly hits her. Why? Your daughter is not a lamb to sacrificed on the altar of making a violent boy (however much this is prompted by a disability) feel better nor, date I say, burnishing your credentials for 'niceness' and 'tolerance'.

Personally re the party I would tell the gentle truth either now or at a slightly later date so the parents are aware and can take the whole picture into consideration but in the meantime I would be pursuing this issue relentlessly with the school and, if necessary, the LA until they managed to protect my child from physical harm while she attend her compulsory education.

Blimey.

Just text this morning and say you can’t go unfortunately. Your husband’s sister is visiting and your husband had loosely arranged a family meal but had forgotten to communicate it with you. You hope he has a lovely birthday. Next time the boy hits out you can speak to school about it and/or the mum but leave it for now. Also, prepare your daughter to deal with it next time, i .e. to tell a teacher.

Indeed.