To think that DH is weirdly angry about me being sick?

I'm not a saint by any means, when my dw is ill or suffering pain from disability I couldn't not look after her and ensure I've helped to the best of my ability.i don't understand men that can't do this.

massive generalisation: men feel deeply complex emotions, but the outward expression is anger. He’s not actually angry, he just doesn’t have the emotional vocab or nuance to say he feels vulnerable / worried / inadequate / pressurised / lost without your 100% energy support.

YANBU.

Unfortunately it's a very common complaint.

So if he’s normally good at doing his fair share of domestic stuff I don’t know that it is about that.
Maybe it’s a subconscious thing about not wanting to be depended upon. Or a latent evolutionary thing in their lizard brain that makes them not want to be around illness in case it affects their virility 🤔 And that’s why he’s irritable cos he doesn’t understood it himself 😂

I'm less convinced by theory 2.

I’m not. He’s always reminding me that I can use our private health insurance (which includes same day gp appt) any time I need to, and he gets kind of weird every time one of his colleagues has a very ill wife. In that he tells me about it, and says, poor guy…..Then he disengages when I’m ill.

Because of his job we are in a country far from our own and have no family other than each other (and the cats) and NORMALLY he’s loving, considerate and pulls his weight in the house - so I’m actually willing to believe there is an element of theory 2 going on.

Which doesn’t make it any less worrying and annoying. I’ve thought a lot about how I could get professional help from the start were I to become seriously ill.

His DM is a bit like this. You can't be sicker, or having a worse time than she is or she seems to get sulky.

Like mother, like son.

When you're ill and your dc too, and your partner is being uncaring, you may be not as emotionally resilient as usual. I've had viruses that have left me feeling ill and weak as well as feeling down and almost depressed. It's a real thing called sickness behaviour. The bacteria infecting you don't just make you feel ill, they also control your mood.

It's surprisingly common, I've read many a thread on here detailing this kind of behaviour.

Two theories I've read :

1. Husband is pissed that his domestic appliance (Wife) is malfunctioning, resentful that he might have to pick up the slack, and really fucking angry that Wife's attention is temporarily on herself and he is not currently the centre of her world.
2. Husband witnesses Wife's illness and becomes fearful about her recovery. Fear is redirected into this pissy behaviour.

My god, are you me??

Everything you've described is me to a T. Right down to the animals.

I, on the other hand, am a complete drama queen when I'm ill 😂

“I got quite upset as I was worried I was going to fall off the chair (and I realise this sounds dramatic, but it actually hurt dragging the stupidly heavy thing across to the cupboard so I can reach).”

She made a fuss about getting a steamer down, complaining about dragging a chair and then crying about potentially falling off said chair. she even admits to it being dramatic. We weren’t there and are only hearing one side of the story but as much as his behaviour is narcissistic, hers also sounds it.
i have met a fair few people who do this sort of stuff to be over dramatic and attention seeking. I’m not saying this is the case but it reads that way to me

Read up on the percentages of men who leave/divorce their partners when she becomes seriously ill. For men like this, when their comfort level is threatened and they are no longer being mothered by their partner, they are out the door.

Your husband behaving like this because he is resentful and pissed off at not being #1.

He sounds like a narcissist. Dr Ramani has some good videos on this.

How is it dramatic and performative? she asked her husband to get, he didn't, seems angry about her being ill, she got it herself, but was dizzy and weak so found the chair heavy and worried she might fall off it?

Exactly the same in this house, I find it really upsetting too, I worry about when we’re old, if I needed it, would he look after me? Unlikely.
So sorry, op, it feels awful

My partner is awful like this when I'm ill. I get quarantined every 4 hours a drink but absolutely nothing else unless I push for it. So I call him Florence nightingale until I'm better. It doesn't help him but it definitely makes me feel better!

When he is sick I purposely tell him step by step how to treat someone when they are sick. I emphasise the help I give and model a proper Florence! Either the care I give or the fact he can't stand the 'modelling good practice' means he's better in no time! (Unless it's manflu which as we all know is as deadly as the plague)

ExDP was like this. It was part of his narcissitic abuse. He didn't like anything that took the attention off him.

Have you tested for Covid?

YANBU, but this is something that comes up over and over again. Mine is the same. When I’m ill he gets irritated and / or pretends its not happening. Stays well away from me if its a cold or something obviously infectious. Will feed himself but not me unless I ask him for food. Is affectionate as soon as I’m better.

I got chewed out on another thread for saying that apart from this he is a good man, but after 23 years of marriage to him I think I know better than them what he’s like!

Its a part of ‘adulting’ that I think comes as a huge shock to some men who have always been the ones taken care of. I have no advice.

When stressed or prompted by similarity of situation people can end up in the behavioural patterns modelled to them as children. If he's a decent respectful man who does his fair share the rest of the time then it may be as simple as he's acting the way he was taught to by his parents. I wouldn't talk to him about it while sick, but if it really worries you bring it up at a time you're both fine. You could try using I statements, "when you do X I feel Y." Its supposed to be less blaming language. These patterns can be hard to break because they are ingrained since childhood.

You’re not alone, there’s posts on this topic most weeks.

Here’s an interesting statistic :

The study confirmed earlier research of a divorce or separation rate among cancer patients of 11.6 percent, similar to the general population, but found the rate jumped to 20.8 percent when the woman was sick versus 2.9 percent when the man was ill.

(That’s from Reuters, it’s a bit old but there’s masses of data available that says the same thing)

So… men are often shit when their wives are ill. Is yours more shit than average? Do you think he’d leave you if you got really ill? Is it worth putting up with this kind of selfishness? Rhetorical questions.

Is he generally caring (I'd be surprised if he was)?

Just another viewpoint..I grew up with my mum being chronically ill. It dictated our lives totally. So now, i hate illness, and struggle to have sympathy for minor illnesses, having watched my mum deal with real life altering illness her whole life, and just carrying on. My family have accused me in the past of being not sympathetic- I'm happy to dole out the paracetamol, cook the dinner etc while they recover, but don't come moaning to me about it! Won't help anyone! And any kind of dying Swan act leaves me cold
(Edit: unless you are a dog or cat. Then I will fuss and fret!)

YANBU. Unfortunately this is the sort of thing that unmasks some really unattractive behaviour in men. My own take on it is that he gets resentful and annoyed because he knows that when you're unwell, he can't ask as much of you, and may be expected to contribute more to household tasks/work (shock horror).

Some men seem to immediately back away whenever they think they might need to be caring or look after someone, which I often find very interesting. If he's like this when you've got a cold, what would he be like if (for example) you needed significant surgery and would be on bed rest for a couple of weeks?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Obviously I know I don't have the full details of your relationship etc, but this is pretty unfair and disrespectful of him. He doesn't sound very kind or loving. Is he a good partner in other ways, or does he often tend to be selfish?

Unfortunately this is not uncommon male behaviour. It’s exasperating. YANBU

I had something similar thr other week. I'm certain it flu, by day 4 I couldn't open my eyes for much longer than 10 mins, everything hurt, if I managed to get out of bed I felt dizzy and nauseous etc... it took about 7 days for the symptoms to slowly start to ease and even now I still feel more tired than usual. I have never actually been as ill as that before.

Luckily my husband wasn't a cunt though. But I do hear you about him suddenly becoming ill as well as soon as you are, mine is one it those too. I think its an attention thing?! That's all I can think!