To find this very very annoying

or give him an excuse to call you a 'nag' (which is a fucking divorcable offence on its own if you ask me ).

This. I'd love to see my children's faces if DH called me a nag. I suspect even the dog would drop his jaw.

He sounds so so tiresome, OP. How is he at work? Just fine I guess? Does he call his boss or colleagues "nags" when they ask him to confirm meetings? Don't thing so.

He doesn't respect you and what you do - hence him lapping up the praise for the flowers and not saying thank you. selfish git.

It's also rude and disrespectful to his parents, expecting them to put their lives on hold until he gets round to confirming he wants to visit. He's assuming they have nothing else they might want to do, that doesn't revolve around him. Stick to your deadline.

I find the best cure for men who get unreasonably arsy about perfectly reasonable requests is to get much more reasonably arsy in response. Fight fire with fire.

To be honest I manage a lot of people at work, a huge amount of students and their families as well as 3 of my own kids, my mum and various other family members. You could say I baby them all. Hope your eyes are ok!

Have you got a joint calendar? Either a paper one hung up somewhere central or a google one that both of you have access to?
If so, nothing's booked in til it's on the calendar.
If he floats an idea, like going to his parents for a long weekend, say 'get it booked in and put it on the calendar once it's confirmed'. If he does neither, feel free to make other plans, and put them on the calendar.

If you've got kids, this is also a great idea to get going before they need lifts to loads of random places and forget to tell you til just before, or just make plans and don't consider family stuff! Those multiple column family planners work really well - one column for you, one column for DH, one for anyone else, can write across them all where you've got joint stuff, or a google calendar with everyone adding their stuff in different colours - if the kids are too young you can add for them, and it's super easy to put repeating stuff in 'EG Sam gymnastics, every wednesday 5-6 as a re-occuring event'

My eyes rolled so much I am not sure they will ever recover.
Why do women need to baby men like this?

I know this is a cop out and Dh isn’t that bad, just forgetful, but I message MIL in a group message with Dh to firm up dates etc
I like knowing what’s happening in good time and so does she! I find organising things with women a lot easier.

Surely you say in response to ‘why’? Because I am prepared to decline invitations and prioritise your parents if I know it’s definitely happening, but I’m not prepared to wait until the morning for you to decide or not and then have no plans for the children. That’s not fair. Why do you think I don’t deserve some clarity? Is mine and the children’s time and experience worth less in your opinion than yours? Interested in what he’d say to this.

Yeah I couldn’t live like that 🥴 he sounds petty, jealous and disorganised.

I would find this annoying too. But I wouldn't tolerate it.

no need for a big row, just make your own plans and tell him ' if you are planning to see your family next weekend, factor in I'm seeing X&Y for dinner and I'm planning on meeting A&B at the garden centre Monday.

and be reasonable with him. My DH's family are awful at committing to things. Maybe it's the same with his family. ATM I'm not sure if I'll have 6 or 12 on Easter Sunday. It's not DH's fault - they are all just twatting around. I know what they are like so I have an Ocado shop booked for Sunday morning that I can tweak until Saturday night so I will adjust the quantities accordingly once they all make their bloody minds up.

whatever number it is we will all have a good meal and a fun time.

From my own experience in a controlling relationship; it’s a gradual drip drip effect, you get conditioned to avoid rows or his bad moods, you start to believe you’re the difficult one (you’re nagging, you’re too sensitive, you’re paranoid etc)
Its hard to get a real perspective of what’s going on and you lose sight of what a healthy dynamic looks like in a relationship.

I don’t blame the op if she hasn’t recognised her dp’s behaviour as controlling.

Ugh, my DH does the not confirming plans bit, it's infuriating. Wants everything to be 'freeform' all the time and plans never get confirmed till the last minute. Then wonders why I get frustrated. Why do men think planning is unnecessary? (Actually I can answer that one myself - because women do most of it and men somehow think it happens by magic! eyeroll)

But the 'sneaking things' on to the calendar accusation is weird, and his comments about you seeing your friends are unfair. What's your marriage like in general?

Yep. I have a DH who says he 'likes to keep his options open'. I call it "not wanting to commit to anything". I used to work in travel and we'd get cheap flights or holiday offers for a week or so later. By the time he'd made a decision, most of the time they'd gone. I've got used to it - now I make my own plans to do my own thing and if at the last minute he says he wants to come then it's a pleasant surprise. As for visiting his DPs - by the time he's made the decision to go, unfortunately I've already made other commitments. What a shame.

God, what a controlling ass.

Sneaking things into the calendar? You’re not a child. Why do you let your husband treat you like one?

We have (free) online shared calendar called Time Tree. The whole family has access and when someone adds something you get a notification (so you can’t be accused of ‘sneaking’ something in, although that’s ridiculous anyway).

The arrangement is, once you put in an appointment, it takes priority. Obviously we do discuss stuff that will affect everyone but it generally works well. Worth a try?

Why are you waiting for him. Just tell him 'As we have no firm plans for next weekend, I have invited xxxxx round for coffee on Saturday morning and arranged to go for a walk with YYYY and the children on Sunday afternoon.'

If you are going to follow this path (which I think is a good idea) then put it in writing in Whatapp or email or something…. So later he cant gaslight you into thinking you hadnt actually told him

Good point.

My mum used to do this when she invited me and DD to stay for a few nights. She just didn't think my plans were important because I'd drop everything to keep the peace.

One day I snapped and decided to reclaim my time. I gave her a deadline, she broke it and I confirmed other plans.
She didn't talk to me for three weeks, but she's never done it again.

Just go above your DHs head and make your own plans. He'll throw a hissy but he'll learn his lesson.

This is infuriating just reading it. Yes you see friends all the time becauae in my experience female friends commit to plans. I hate people being vague. I lose interest. Make your own plans and he can work round it. I'm sure his parents would like to know too...

Why waste time being gradual @SabreIsMyFave ?

@KungBooPanda I know this might make me sound batshit but I'd text him setting the deadline. Then, if he flakes on it and blames you, you have proof of your deadline. Sorry to be harsh but my spider senses are tingling...

YANBU @KungBooPanda My DH never does this, but I have a couple of friends who do. They never give a straight answer when I try to make a date to meet them for coffee or a pub lunch.

I will message 28th January, and say 'do you want to meet up soon for a coffee and a catch up?' And I get a short message back saying 'I'll have to let you know. I haven't had my February shifts yet.' Then I wait and wait for 2-3 days, and message back again, and they say 'well possibly 17th February, but I may have to look after my grandson, I will let you know closer to the time. If not that date, maybe 22nd, 24th, 25th, or 28th.' Then I am sitting there waiting and wondering if we will meet on 17th February, and if not, which of the other 4 days it will be. I feel like I can't plan anything for the other 4 dates in case they pick one of them to meet (after cancelling 17th February at the last minute!)

It's pissing me off so much now, that I am seeing them less and less often, and will gradually just phase them out.

My DC can sometimes be a bit evasive. Though not every time like my 2 so-called friends. I try to make a date for them to come to our house, when we leave their house after a visit, and they say 'not sure what my plans are for the next couple of weeks, I'll have to let you know.' I think 'well why not put coming to our place in your diary, and then arrange your other stuff around that?' It sort of feels like they wait to see if something better comes along, and see me and DH if nothing does.

I do have a few other lovely friends who are reliable and kind and are good friends, but the 2 that mess me about/are vague, do annoy me. And my DC annoy me a bit occasionally too. But at least they don't do it all the time! Maybe 1 in 4 or 5 times ...

I have this it's infuriating!