To find this very very annoying

I am so sorry OP.

When you try and get a controlling and manipulative person to do something that is different to what they want to do, ie make firm plans when they usually don't, they respond by being nasty, argumentative, nit picky. It's all to retrain you into not asking them questions again. You overstepped and need to be taught a lesson.

Look up DARVO, and look up emotional abuse. Official sites such as gov.uk, local council, CAB, Relate and Women's Aid have the signs listed.

After this morning how likely, on a scale of 0 to 10, will you ask him to firm up his plans for visiting his family in the future? I say zero chance. You wouldn't dare.

It is awful, and would be a total deal breaker in many relationships.

I would absolutely leave a cunt like this. Whether you were looking for an argument or not no respectful person would shout shit like that at you. And drive off without your child knowing its causing an issue. What a dramatic overreaction.

But the most telling thing is your reaction. The fact that you're upset and shaking makes me worry you are scared of him. Time to leave this bully.

Just to be crystal clear:

He then said he will take the kids to his parents at the weekend without me so i can "sort my head out and i should be down the doctors".

This is gaslighting you into believing that you're mentally ill. He's doing it so that you will adjust your behaviour to appease him because you want to prove that you're not mentally ill.

Gaslighting somebody to try to make them believe they are mentally ill is horrendous behaviour, and is most certainly domestic abuse.

It's also pulling the rug out from underneath you; you 'forced' him to firm up plans, therefore he has fucked you around and changed then after he set them in order to re-establish dominance.

I told him he was being horrible and he just shouted at me "you're a stupid fucking cunt" in our garden.

This is outright abusive, and very clearly demonstrates a clear lack of respect for you and the children. He has lost the control he thought he had and in his panic is trying to verbally best you back down into your place. It proves that he doesn't see you as a partner but as subservient to him.

he then gave me DS back and has driven off without DS when I have to get the other one ready for school and go to work.

More consequences for stepping out of the role of subservient wife.

The whole way he handles being asked to behave like an adult, husband and father is immature and childish at his best, and blatantly abusive to you and your children at it's worst.

What a delight. You know you shouldn’t put up with this treatment?

He didn't like you asking him to behave reasonably and respectfully (call his parents to firm up plans and let you know with decent notice) so he's punishing you to make sure you don't do it again.

Be smarter than to allow him to train you.

I'm sorry. He sounds worse and worse the more you post but DO keep on posting, it will help you to get clarity on your own mind about it all.

Does he have any good qualities? From what you've described here he doesn't seem to treat the people he's supposed to care about very well.

I agree with other people just make your own plans. But also what is stopping you contacting these people to confirm plans? I know it shouldn’t be your responsibility, but at the end of the day, you’re meant to be a partnership, if he’s crap at this job, you do it and give him something else to do instead

Good plan! 🌹

You’re enabling it. Just make plans and then you’ll have to tell him you’re busy and won’t cancel because he doesn’t have the decency to tell you if you’re free or not!

My ex partner did this, I eventually realised that he had no respect for me, my time or anyone else. He’s controlling, selfish and doesn’t have any friends.
is your partner controlling in other ways? This is so disrespectful of you and your children.

He is controlling though with his comments about your putting things into his online calendar, the way he bosses you around, the way he shows off in front of his parents and orders you around. If it's not controlling then it's jolly disrespectful and suggests that you aren't equal partners in your relationship.

At first I thought pp saying he was controlling was a bit of an OTT reaction and he was just someone who is either disorganised or always waiting around for a better offer. But the more you update, the more I’m inclined to agree that your husband has no respect for you and this does not sound like a healthy relationship. I’d seriously think about whether you’re happy in the marriage and if this is a relationship dynamic that you want to model to your children.

I am so sorry your husband is a twat! Could you make your own plans and fit him in if he wants to be included? So you decide that even if he wants to go and see his parents, you won’t be going because you have a ready decided you are doing x y z. So he can stay behind if he wants or go alone. Why do you feel the need to follow him? Simply don’t.

Just make your own plans and if he gets annoyed tell him he never confirmed so you assumed nothing was happening

@KungBooPanda

your rookie error has just landed you with 4 days at the in-laws🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

next time, until he asks you/books it in on you calendar then it's 'free' & you can book in other things! Do that & if he announces 'we' are going to my parents for x, you tell him 'you might be, but I'm not I have plans!'

if he sulks about you 'sneaking things into the calendar' then explain to him, like you would a 4 year old, that that's home calendars work.

He’s a stupid selfish prick.

Visit the in-laws for one day and spend the rest of the weekend with your friends.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but if he’s weird about you ‘sneaking’ plans in when you simply use the shared calendar to record things, is there a chance he’s made it so you’re with his parents the WHOLE weekend so you can’t see your friends?

He seems controlling. The whole leaving the plan to the last minute feels like a power play.

And I really cannot understand why he is the one that gets to decide all weekend plans?

I had this ex dh. He insisted I was controlling-I wasn’t. If I didn’t organise shit, it wouldn’t get done. Very irritatingly, since we have split up he has become very good at organising shit. 🙄

His dad is exactly the same (to the point where he tell MiL there is a BBQ they need to go to an hour before they have to leave) and MiL puts up with it and just laughs. She also doesn't have any friends or her own life really!

Maybe she doesn't have her own life anymore because she knows she can't make any plans of her own as she's always waiting to be told by her husband if he has anything on. I'd be careful in case this is a deliberate tactic employed by both father and son with the same aim in mind.

IME, flaky people are often holding out for the best offer

We have a family calendar on Google. Whatever goes in first, gets priority

If eg I arrange to see friends on Thursday, then it's just not an option for DP to go out, unless he arranges babysitter