To find this very very annoying

"Stupid fucking cunt" squeals the toddler who can't ever organise himself for anything ever. What a nasty little man. Is this what you want long-term, OP?

I'm really sorry to read your updates @KungBooPanda - hope you are OK. I don't often say LTB but I would really struggle to get past that behaviour.

You showed him that he isn't the main character.

Everything he has done, the extremes he went to; it was to remind you that he is, in fact, the main character. Back in your box, woman.

What is chilling is the level of drama over something so trivial. A barely noteworthy transaction occurring without incident in families all over the world; the organisation of who is doing what when, commitments for the calendar, commitments to each other, respect of each others' time.

Aww poor baby. You should book the play dates for your kids and tell your husband he’s going to the in laws on his own.

Don’t go to the in laws to be belittled and abused while your kids look on, or martyr yourself to be alone at Easter because your husband is a prick to you and the kids.

It’s because you’ve challenged him OP. Was that the first time you’ve really put your foot down about the ridiculous not making plans thing? You put your foot down and forced him to be reasonable. Then you pushed further and suggested he should consider his mother’s feelings. Now you are being punished for this, and he is making you feel like the bad guy for having perfectly normal requirements.

You said you don’t feel controlled, but look back and think about how many times you’ve changed your plans, anticipated his reaction, tiptoed around him. I’ll bet it’s a lot more than you’d realised.

Those two people you talk to openly sound sensible. Keep talking to them.

It's no good saying sorry, it's like saying I love you. In the absence of treating you with kindness and respect it's just useless words.

I won't tell you what to do with your relationship or living situation, I know that it's too complex for strangers opinions. That said please seek support, do you have close friends? Family you trust? People who can be honest and have your best interests at heart?

This doesn't look good OP. You need to seek some strength from elsewhere while you figure out what to do.

So he's 'sorry' but it's actually your fault and he's 'only happy when you're happy' but refuses to do simple things to make your life more enjoyable? Oh, and he called you a cunt and implied that not wanting to deal with his moodiness is a symptom of mental illness on your part.

It's dead easy to write an apology text (although I would hardly call that an apology) but will it actually be reflected in his behaviour?

He’s gaslighting you OP. Do you see how he blames you for his outburst? Because “he’s not good at words like you are”. He’s saying that you made him treat you like that.

Hes not sorry, he just wants you to get back in your box.

Please look up DARVO

OP, your husband sounds exactly like my ex. He also would expect life planned for him and have ridiculous reactions for expecting him to make solid plans/decisions days before they needed to happen. He wouldn’t change, still won’t - I asked him last week to tell me the days he wanted the children for Easter and he started again with ‘I don’t know, we’ll see how it pans out, whatever works for you’. When I said a second time ‘no, you please tell me which days you want’, I got a full strop. Then he sulks/stops talking to me, then I have to sort it anyway. Funny enough my ex works in a job that requires much preplanning and would be meticulous about making sure everything was properly done for work.

You know you’re detaching from the relationship, and quite rightly from how he speaks to you. You could try and speak to him after the kids have gone to bed, say how his inability to think about everyone else in the family when he refuses to make solid decisions affects you. Or you can decide this is the final line crossed and take it from there.

Yeah, that's just gone from being a really annoying personality trait to an absolute reason to LTB!

He definitely should go to his parents alone for the weekend. Hopefully he'll like the fuss so much that he'll stay there!

I think you'd find life so much less stressful and frustrating without him in it.

Look after yourself and your children first OP. He can take a running jump!

He is controlling.. He believes you won't dare make your own plans until HE has decided you aren't busy. You have him worried you are actually considering defying him and he can't handle that..

You’ve started standing up to him (setting a deadline for making arrangements, pointing out that he could also do the washing) and he doesn’t like it. This reaction shows you that he is indeed being controlling and now also gaslighting (you need to see a doctor). This is not a healthy relationship, please take people’s advice here seriously.

I would change the locks while he’s at work and I’m not fucking kidding.

Hi mil, sorry I won't be down for Easter after dh called me a stupid fucking cunt.. Not sure what's happening with him. Maybe persuade him to see a Dr?
Op.

This is just awful OP, and i'm sorry to point out that this is the beginning of the end for your relationship - you may find yourself excusing this behaviour, but a man that would use those words and delivery to you, with your small child there and for any neighbour to hear has NO RESPECT for you and this will only get worse. Look towards your future. Are you happy for your children to believe this is a situation they should remain in? Do you accept your children either behaving like this or accepting this behaviour? Your actions now could shape their entire lives. I'm not trying to be dramatic, I would love you to realise your self worth and not waste a second more of your life on this bully. People will treat you how you LET them treat you. He has spoken clearly today.

So here are his true colours @KungBooPanda , I said before he expects you to run everything past him first but it's deeper than that. Your FIL does exactly the same to his DW and your DH has grown up seeing that and thinks it's normal. He can't deal with you making your own arrangements ahead of time because to him you're supposed to arrange nothing and wait for his last minute announcement.
It's not just selfishness, it's control, he leads and you follow. This morning's vile language had nothing to do with a damp top, he can't cope with you challenging him and going against what he considers the natural order.This will get worse now unless you back down, please don't, you are doing nothing wrong

I’m sorry to ask this but do you actually know this individual? Because it sounds to me like something he should be talking to you about is eating away at him and you’re copping for the spillover. In no way is that fair or acceptable, you’re being bullied in your own home.

When someone shows you who they are believe them.

I dont think most people would be shaking at that behaviour. If my DH acted like that I'd be really angry with him and upset, but I wouldn't be shaking. I'd be angry more than anything. So that was just my opinion on the shaking made me think maybe OP is scared of him.

Like the times she's added to the planner and he's made snide comments, I'd have called him on that there and then and there wouldn't be a planner he could get to fuck. But I'm talking from a position of being with a DH I'm not scared of.

Do what his DP do and make your own plans. The more you all sort yourselves out then his has to do something about his crap admin

The fact that you're upset and shaking makes me worry you are scared of him. Time to leave this bully.

Most people would be upset and shaking at his behaviour this morning, it's a completely normal reaction to his abusive explosive over reaction.

I've no idea if OP is scared of him or not, but I think more importantly than that, this shows that he has trained her to not hold him accountable for his actions. With the support of mumsnet she did, and his response is to try to make the consequences so horrible for her that she gets back in her box.

She's not a Stepford wife to be trained, and I hope that she will be smart and courageous enough to not get back in her box and allow herself to be trained like this.