To find this very very annoying

“sorry” was just to get you to beg.

You’re right, it’s a miserable way to live. But you absolutely have the power to change it.

That's so awful, OP. I would be in shock.

He thinks his time is more valuable than yours, it's as simple as that.

You have been enabling him because he has trained you to fear his reaction, and in a way you were right because the one time you have pushed for clarity he became abusive.

He's an awful person.

This.

No man who respects their partner calls them a cunt. He will hit you @KungBooPanda , this is just the lead up to it.

He was never sorry. He just knew he’d crossed a line and wasn’t sure which tactic to use to get you to accept the new line he’s drawn. He pretended to be contrite but that didn’t work, so now he’s back to trying to intimidate you with anger. And make no mistake, it is a new line. Now that he has escalated to shouting abuse at you, he will do it again.

He is abusive, OP. I am so sorry, but it will only get worse.

My husbands ADHD diagnosis helped me get perspective and set the right kind of boundaries. I have no idea if your husband has ADHD but worth a mention.
@Eskimalita - fuck me, I hope your DH doesn't pass off being abusive as ADHD, or did you not bother reading all her posts?

so i can "sort my head out and i should be down the doctors". I told him he was being horrible and he just shouted at me "you're a stupid fucking cunt" in our garden. he then gave me DS back and has driven off without DS .

H leaving without him meant he missed it ((a special event)) . H actually threw the bonnet on the ground.

You think you’re not being controlled but you are in an indirect way. By taking on all the responsibility but letting him belittle you and do his own thing you are giving him all the control without any accountability.
your husband sounds like he can be emotionally abusive at times.
i lived the same way. My husbands ADHD diagnosis helped me get perspective and set the right kind of boundaries. I have no idea if your husband has ADHD but worth a mention.

It's often the case on MN, someone starts a thread about something they think is pretty trivial, MN says No, that's wrong, and gradually more and more comes out from the Op. Sometimes @KungBooPanda when you're in the middle of something you can't see the wood for the trees.

I know

You started this thread complaining that DH was just being annoying, a little vent from you in reasonably safe space. But now its ended up as a completely different beast. Take your time, consider your options, but whatever you do please stop being a pushover and accepting crumbs from your master. Go to counselling (for yourself), request he does his own if you want to save your marriage but in the end, you both have to want the same things - and that includes being equal and being supported.

Gosh what a terrible dad and husband. Making out you have a MH issue? Disgusting. And then the Easter bonnet 💔

Horrid man. You need space away from him. He needs to go to his parents alone at Easter.

My husband is bad for this too.

so I just started planning. Hey, I know you haven’t bothered (yes bothered or something else like that, acknowledging he’s being a piece of shit for not getting this basic thing done) firming up plans with (whomever) but make sure it’s not this date and time.

and if he comes back with that whinging about his family being important I responding with ‘yes I know and agree, and am always happy to get together. That’s why I’ve been bugging you since (whenever) to make plans with them. We have other people in our lives too that need to plan their lives, so since plans have not been made we are able to plan around that.

anyway. He reconizes it now. And it’s cool with the other plans.

The problem with his family (and his trauma) is that ONLY his sister is the priority. So if he makes plans or arrangements or suggests something it’s ‘oh wonderful- as long as sister doesn’t need us’. Sister is a crazy selfish 40yo child, who sometimes needs (and yes this trumps us, everytime) the grandparents to drive an hour to pick her kid up, drive him 5 mins, then drive the hour home (no visit, no dinner, just do my chore and leave).

anyway. Some families suck. But your husband needs to grow up and make a plan!

Reading this, I wondered if you were also married to my husband. It's just infuriating. Shall we both leave him and run off together into the sunset where firm plans can be made??

DS had an Easter parade this morning and me and DS made a bonnet for before bed last night. H leaving without him meant he missed it. H actually threw the bonnet on the ground

Please let this be the straw that breaks the camel‘s back. Please.

This man is a total abusive cunt.

Don’t teach your children that this is what a relationship should look like.

You're married to a total dud of a man. Please save yourself and your children from this. I cannot stress this enough.

Too late to edit. From your previous post -
Worse thing is that he is at his absolute worst round the PIL. He can be pretty selfish at home but when we are there he really bosses me about. MiL fusses over him and he asks me to get and him the kids stuff or makes jokes at my expense which all seem weirdly for MiL benefit. God knows what's going on there.

If you do go then start saying no. Start refusing to be bossed around. Start asking why he's being mean, a twat, unkind, unpleasant etc. Tell him his jokes are not funny. Refuse to be treated like rubbish. Personally, unless it upset the children too much, I would refuse to go.

I don't know what to do about this weekend. The kids are excited to see PIL.

He's already given you an out. Tell him you need time apart to "sort your head out". Use this weekend to confide in friends and find out your financial situation and look up solicitors. Do a one off consultation so you know your rights. You don't have to use that information, but you do need it.

He then said he will take the kids to his parents at the weekend without me so i can "sort my head out and i should be down the doctors".

OP, the thing that struck me is that you have 2 people you can confide in in real life and even without telling them about this latest shocking and nasty incident you know they think you should leave.

On MN we are seeing just one snapshot - and we all think he is a rotten self-centered bastard based on that. Your real friends who see you real life already think your relationship is doomed.

I would not go to the PILs. I would tell them why. Meet your friends. Tell them what is happening. Let him do what he wants. Don't reply to his texts. This will only get worse.

He doesn't like forming plans as he doesn't want you to know if you're coming or going. It's worked.
You feel utterly confused now.
The whole dynamic is wrong
The 4 nights at pils was just to keep you in line.
Tell him you're not going.

He just messaged saying "sorry. i love you. i felt you were antagonising me. i'm not good with words like you and i got frustrated and i lost my temper. i'm only happy when we are happy. i really am sorry'.
Of course he's saying this as even he will know he's gone too far and now you are starting to open your eyes. Keep opening them OP, but be prepared to be unpleasantly surprised. Took me twenty five years to see my abusive H and those years physically and mentally broke me.

BTW, he was particularly vicious and nasty since he threw the bonnet on the ground and left his toddler behind. He deliberately hurt his own child twice just to punish you. And all because you asked if you were going away...

This sounds very familiar to me and unfortunately I put up with it for about 7 years. The controlling behaviour will affect you more than you realise. I’d suggest speaking to a counsellor on your own (marriage counselling won’t work as he will try to control you through the counselling sessions too). Create a safe space to work through your feelings and ensure you protect your self-esteem.

I thought I was dealing with the controlling behaviour fine but it’s only looking back I can see how much damage was done from constantly putting my feelings last and tiptoeing around to avoid confrontation.

Write each incident down so you have a record you can reflect on if he tries to downplay his behaviours or rewrite history. If this behaviour continues then don’t leave it 7 years like I did.