To find this very very annoying

Sorry @KungBooPanda … do whatever you need to keep yourself safe at this point. Stay with a friend, get a friend to visit you or pretend things are fine.

His behaviour is escalating as he realises he has lost control of the situation and of you. He’s trying to scare you back into line. This is why you need knowledge and support … because if you decide to divorce he will continue to try to scare you and make you feel guilty for breaking up the family unit.

If the abuse continues to escalate you may need to speak to a solicitor about a non-molestation order.

Look after yourself and dc. Speaking as someone who has been there it does get better. I’m in month three since my ex-husband moved out and am reclaiming my home as a safe space. I feel much calmer. My dc is happy and has adapted to the family changes much better than I’d ever hoped. Co-parenting still has its challenges as my ex is still controlling but I am minimising his negative impact on us more and more each week. Take care.

Urgh that's annoying. I'd speak to MIL and FIL and make the plans myself or just make plans with your friends. Why are you waiting for him to make the decision OP?

He is scary now because atm he is in the house/has the ability to intimidate you - but when you’re rid of him it Will be better. Can you see a solicitor today?

You may get a better, more useful response from Womens Aid. 🌹

@KungBooPanda

He also said "I don't want our kids to have step parents and step siblings" and I said "that is the last thing of my mind" and he said "I've got another 40 years on this planet, you might be happy to not find anyone else but I certainly will be"

What an absolute hypocrite he is!! 🌹

You need to keep note of what you’ve said here. So that if in future you’re having a wobble over whether it’s the right thing to split up, you can remind yourself exactly how he spoke to you. No one deserves to be spoken to like this, especially by the person who is supposed to live them the most. I’m sorry this has happened, please get supportive people around you and let them help you.

I'm sorry OP. The fucking audacity of him to be telling you he's committed to the magic of marriage while he's happy to shout and swear at you over and over again.

I'm also sorry that Refuge were so useless. There's no way they should be suggesting joint marriage counseling when one person is abusive, and he must certainly is that.

How sure are you that he will take the kids without you?

You can't go with him, that's for certain.

@KungBooPanda sorry I hadn’t seen your latest update xx

I am so sorry OP. Is there a friend you can go to overnight? I would also contact the police and ask for their advice and tell them your DH seems to be excessively angry tonight.

Can you record him secretively on your phone if he comes into your room to rant again? (This is only for police proof, or for your own sanity when you start doubting yourself).

EDIT - he can't sell the house without your signature as it is a marital asset. He can't change the locks either (nor can you though).

@KungBooPanda I could have written this. It’s fucking awful isn’t it. I have to ask over and over and never get a straight answer. Then at the 11th hour he’ll decide and I’m stuck with cancelling alternative plans ive made or ruining a family day out. It’s classic men not carrying the mental load though.

I m sorry OP

Is there somewhere you can go with your kids tonight?

i was antogonising him by acting like i was scared of him which wound him up

So his response to seeing you scared was...anger? ffs

Contact Women's Aid, they can signpost you to your local centre - as can your GP.

I found refuge "unhelpful" but maybe it was how I was coming across. With Women's Aid I used their email so I could choose my words better rather than ramble on.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

EDIT - I'm surprised Refuge recommended marriage counselling actually, since you should never do joint therapy with an abusive partner 😮

Well yes, we do have a right to a happy home, but where you've got someone who is gaslighting you and controlling then marriage counselling/mediation is going to be difficult. I'm sorry refuge weren't more helpful in practical terms of whether there might be refuge space available, being able to speak with a women's support worker, telling you about their services etc. You might need to track down the local version to find that sort of thing out.
Oh - forgot to mention about the Freedom programme, that might be helpful. - edited to add this x

Well done on having the conversation. He is being true to type blaming you for his behaviour and minimising his actions.
I would be looking to get some legal advice asap and put wheels in motion so that he comes back after the Easter weekend for as short a time as possible before he moves out. Also, speak to women's aid or similar so that you have logged the abusive and controlling behaviour somewhere other than here.

Any words that come out his mouth after that moment op are worthless... Imo.
He will toss between being a twat and being nice. Because he wasn't prepared for you doing anything but accepting what he said. He is confused now.
But you aren't. So stick to your words. Use them wisely. Keep it simple. So he can understand..
You want out. You won't be in an abusive relationship.. And your dc won't have an abusive df...tell your solicitor he attends anger management and you want supervised contact until he can show a judge he has changed.

He called you a cunt and threw his child's Easter bonnet at you.

Real fucking romantic.

Of course he's sad. He's realised that he's close to blowing his cosy life up by pushing his control and manipulation too far and you seeing him for what he is. He's not sorry for what he did, he's sorry he got caught out.

You know what I would do now. Ask him what went through his mind when he called you a stupid cunt. Ask him why he punished DS by leaving him. Ask him why he felt it was okay to throw the bonnet on the floor in front of DS. Don't accept sorry, accept valid and reasonable explanations. If he can't explain It (without making it your fault) then he isn't repentant, nor will it prevent it from happening again.

He said he's a romantic who believes in the magic of marriage.
Remind me again what's romantic and magical about calling the one you love "a stupid fucking cunt"?

Sorry to keep repeating it, but you need to remember that moment in time. His face, his voice, his anger, his aggression, the way he moved. All because you needed an answer about the weekend.

He said he's a romantic who believes in the magic of marriage

Shouting “you fat cunt” in your wife’s face is romantic now, is it?

I’m sorry you are having to go through this. My advice would be to use this time to build your knowledge but also your support network. Unfortunately leaving a controlling man isn’t a quick process … it took me 18 months to get my ex-husband out of the house and he made those months very difficult. As well as practical support you need your friends, family and experts on your team to vent to and provide reassurance when you need it if worried about threats being made. You may need to talk to boss at work when you’re ready so they know what you're navigating outside the office.

Now is the time to reach out to those that will be there for you … a fortunate side effect of these difficult times is you realise there are other people in your life that are amazing and are there for you to lean on 👍