To find this very very annoying

Hello OP, just wanted to be another sending support. I left an abusive partner. Your H’s behaviour sounds almost clone like to my ex’s. It took MN to help me see it wasn’t normal and was abuse. I took a long time to leave and that’s my biggest regret, because of the dc. Good luck and warm wishes to you.

What a bellend he is, taking the DC somewhere totally unsuitable just to spite you.
Your poor MIL, and poor you/DC if they catch whatever it is she has.

Just checking in with you @KungBooPanda , hope you are doing are okay

I agree with pp. If you want to know how your future will be if you stay, look at MIL and how little her actual world is. Her lack of friends, her inability to go anywhere, always waiting for her son to suddenly decide to visit with no food or beds made up on a bank holiday weekend when shops actually shut. To have zero control over her own life. Her husband and son say jump, she asks how high. Just think how close you've been to living that exact same life if you hadn't posted here about a silly, lighthearted but slightly annoying habit he does.

It sounds like you have finally awakened, but please be careful as this is the most dangerous time. Speak to friends, speak to family, speak to nursery/school (so they are aware the children might be unsettled), speak to your GP and ask for a referral to counselling. Speak to a divorce solicitor. The more people who know you want to leave due to unacceptable behaviour (you might feel more comfortable using that rather than saying abuse), the safer you will be.

I'm afraid I did give him a hug.

If that keeps you safe then that's no bad thing - careful though if he presses for more. Have something ready to say if he does.

Giving a man a hug is often a defensive move. To appease and reassure so they don't escalate, or to get inside so they can neither kiss or hit us.

@KungBooPanda

I'm afraid I did give him a hug.

If that keeps you safe then that's no bad thing - careful though if he presses for more. Have something ready to say if he does.

I won't be going to PIL. but i am going to pretend to be friends with him until i've sorted paperwork and told my family. What happened over the last few days is horrendous and the tension and fear is too much for the kids. I need to have a plan if he's going to be that vile and scary and stay elsewhere after telling him. My family will be supportive and i can stay there.

Good that you're not going with him to PILs - hope your planning goes well and you can sort something out with your parents for temporary shelter.

DS went under the dining room table when he saw DH this morning. DH saw him do it but seems oblivious or shameless about him being the cause of that.

Poor little boy. He will be so much happier when he's not in his father's immediate orbit all the time. Sending you a huge virtual hug my dear. 🌹

I never normally post on things like this, because they are so personal and complex, but all I keep thinking is that life is too short to be under this much stress and confusion all the time, especially when young children are involved.

He is using ALL the tactics on you now. He needs you back in your submissive box.

So he lied to you about having committed you all to 4 days at the PILs.

He'll alterate because crying and guilt tripping you, and screaming abuse at you. He's just going through all the options to get you meek and 'under control' again.

Your update is very telling - its clearly a power move if he does exactly the same thing with his mum, sounds like he's learned it from his dad.and poor woman has accepted it as norm. Use that as an incentive -you don't want to be her in 30 years with your ds treating his wife in the same way. I can assume he doesn't act the same way with his friends or boss -saying yeah I might meet you at the pub or might not, or yes I'll be in work but can't commit to a time?

I think you're doing exactly the right thing by "pretending" while you get your ducks I a row -use this weekend to start sorting everything.

I wouldn't go OP. The kids will be fine. You've said the GPs are great, kids are excited and he will be on his best behaviour. You need time and space, he probably won't give you that again. Take the time to rest and get all the practical stuff sorted. Talk to people in real life. Make plans. He is going to get nastier, you need to arm and armour yourself for that.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Your poor thing and your poor kids.

Let them go to the in-laws and you stay home. He won't be able to stay away the whole weekend (he'll be amping to get back when he can't control either/both kids without you there) so once he's gone, get on and find your essential documents and make a phone call to a solicitor. Look at your finances.

PP have asked but you don't confirm if you have anywhere to stay temporarily with the kids? Are your parents around OP? (not saying you should move out, but just for respite if he kicks off when he returns).

What a horrible nasty bully he is and what a role model for your lovely children...not! Best of luck OP; I really hope you're able to sort things out and get away from him.

Hi Panda, I haven't read through all the replies, but I have read your posts. Has anyone else suggested that he's having an affair but winding you up so that you can be "the bad guy, breaking up the family"?

Your original post seemed to be about him not making arrangements, but actually he is being a really unpleasant bully ... can you put your finger on when he changed from a bit irritating to totally horrible?

100% don’t go. The kids will be fine with him, he’ll probably be weirdly super nice with them actually around his parents to show how amazing a dad he is.

Him going works out perfectly. You get time to not be around him where everything is so volatile at the moment and you can put the wheels in motion to plan for your and your kids’ future. The timing couldn’t be better.

Also, if you did go (don’t!), he’s going to take every opportunity to show you up in front of his parents, safe in the knowledge that they will back him up every time and you’ll be too embarrassed to say anything in front of them. Going there would be torture.

I would stay home @KungBooPanda . Let him take the children, he needs to see what it will be like once/if you split. I'm sure you have already posted that he ramps up the quieter abuse in front of PILs to impress them - I would hate to think what he would do or say in front of them now!

You need a breathing space and this is the perfect opportunity. Grab it with both hands. Find the paperwork, make the calls.

I'm so sorry to read all this. I think you should stay home, it will give your H a taste of what sole charge looks like, and he'll possibly have to have some awkward discussions with the PILs. He may lie to them and blame you but in the long run he won't be able to keep the lies going, will tie himself up in knots. Anyway I guess you don't have the sort of relationship where you particularly care what they think? So let that go.

Are your family about? Could you share this with them so you can get an exit plan sorted?

In answer to your earlier Q, it absolutely does get better. You will need some real life support too but keep talking on here. You may not know us but it serves as a sort of "live diary" and can help straighten out your thoughts.

if you do let him go with the kids, use the time to plan your exit.

Forgot to include the image! Here we go.

Fucking hell, he gets worse and worse with every new update. Good advice about speaking to DV charities and the police

It sounds like he has always been controlling and it’s just that the abuse has ramped up as you’ve been less compliant and began to push back more. This image should help you think about other ways he might have been abusive. You need to call the police and say you want it on your record you’re concerned about your safety and them to put a flag on your address so if you call them they’ll come straight out no discussion. You need to call a local domestic abuse charity and ask for face to face 1 on 1 support. You can also go to your local children’s centre and ask them to sign you up for any domestic abuse course they are running so you can better understand what’s been happening and learn how to support your child with it. You need to contact a solicitor for free legal advice (you’ll qualify for this because of the abuse). And finally you need to be brutally honest with close friends and family about exactly what he has done so they can support you through this. I know all this is scary but you can absolutely do this. You’re a strong woman.