To find this very very annoying

Sneaking because you didn't discuss it with him eleventy billion times before you put it in the diary....

Op why are you putting up with this shit. Even worse why are you messaging him to ask him to give you an answer. If HE can’t take the initiative to let you know then reply to the other people and tell them it’s fine if they pop round for a drink (if you want them to). If he doesn’t like it then tough!

He knows he’s taking the piss and keeping you on a shoe string. What a load of passive aggressive game playing shit!

You can’t put your whole life on hold while he dithers! I couldn’t even be with someone like him, think I would have had to leave him by now.

There was something about the words "sneaking things into the diary " that really annoyed me Op. You're not a child, you're not sneaking, how dare he suggest anything he wants is OK but you making a decision to go somewhere is sneaking? Does he expect you to run everything past him first? Actually, that exactly what he means, if you make an appointment without his say so that's not on, you should sit around waiting for him to deceide where you're both going even though he can't make his mind up. Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing?

Either he just wants to keep his own options open so he can do whatever he fancies at the time, and fuck everyone else, or it’s strategic incompetence so you take over the family admin like a good little wife should. Either way, he’s being a dick and you should stop waiting for him.

he will be totally fucked off with me though.

The reason he chooses (it is a choice) to mess you around like this is because he knows you are afraid of upsetting him.

Practice upsetting him! Take his power away. Do your own thing and let him deal with it.

He sounds like a twat. Is he? One of those blokes unable to cope with anyone else having a claim on his time - ‘don’t try and control me’ etc?

This would be high on the list of Solve This Problem or End Up Divorced behaviours for me.

I had one of those, I'm getting a pain in my chest thinking back on the stress his approach used to cause me. But he got to present all bright and breezy and me as uptight - it absolutely is a form of control and a very insidious and sneaky one. Instead of laying down the law, he creates the situation where you are made to look like you are doing so in the absence of decision-making and collaboration. I bet he is also a faffer 🙄. I left my husband and this kind of shit was the main reason, it is NOT trivial, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I like mine too, but some people aren’t lucky enough to have nice MILs.

you see friends all the time

Consciously or not, he’s messing you around because he doesn’t like you seeing your friends.

Shared calendar is the way forward.

Anything on the calendar happens, if it's not on the calendar it doesn't happen.

Whoever puts their event in first gets to do it.

This does need to be managed with respect; so neither party just blocks out weeks of time to do what they like whilst the other has sole childcare responsibilities for example, but it certainly focuses the mind on what is and isn't important and firming up plans.

Do you want to see his parents? If you don't, don't go. His circus, his monkeys.

@Bingowingo1 I only have a daughter.
Don't see the problem though of communicating with my mother in law. I actually like her - which I know is against Mumsnet rules 😂

So he’s shitty to his family, and you.

It’s either a yes or no!
As you’re being so indecisive I’ve made my own plans, would be my reply!

Sounds very frustrating, OP. Especially putting you in a situation where you need to 'nag' just to get basic information. Hope you have a nice Easter weekend!

Does he worry about you being fucked off with him for making you miss out on stuff? Does he ever worry about how you will react to his failure to manage the basics?

I’d hazard a guess that he’s able to book work meetings, doctors appointments, haircuts without faffing and being vague until the day.

So why does he act like this with you?

Answer:
this is a power/ control thing (you can’t schedule any dates in the diary without consulting him and he’ll “block” it) 🚩

Emotional manipulation (oh your friends are more important than me etc) 🚩

Coercive control (you walk on eggshells and are careful with your words/actions to avoid his moods) 🚩

I think this is more than him being an annoying man who makes you roll your eyes because he’s ‘disorganised”.

I wouldn't be putting up with that at all. I'd also give him a set deadline to confirm the plans and if they were then not confirmed at that point I would go ahead and make my own plans. He can then go to see his parents on his own.
Pathetic.

Ughghgh! Hope you aren't modelling this to any sons you might have

Nah, I don't think that's it.
I think he's just not capable or willing to commit, even to a decision.
He'd be better off single, and OP even more, without the need to bloody manage him and suffer him "getting mad".

This is worryingly controlling, I’m afraid OP. Not just disorganisation. He clearly doesn’t want you to have plans of your own, and expects you to wait on him to decide what you’re both doing until he feels like telling you :(

I would have messaged my in-laws myself to find out if they were expecting us.
I'd prefer a 5 minute chat with my mother in law than all this faffing about.

I was initially going to suggest ND however seeing that he has said you were trying to get stuff past him implies to me it’s deliberate and is control and not executive dysfunction

I just messaged him and said 'are we going to your parents next Friday' and he replied 'not sure yet, why?'
At this point I would start assuming DH is trying to play the headfuk games with me deliberately. He is trying to unsettle you and make you walk on eggshells. That's not nice of him. From the little you have written i think it might be beneficial to read up about emotional abuse.

It’s difficult to feel sure of yourself when a partner is demeaning, dismissing, and second-guessing you constantly. Additionally, when you care about someone and have invested time in the relationship with them, you want to believe the best of them, and you may convince yourself that you were overreacting in how you interpreted their hurtful actions or words. An emotionally abusive partner may try to gaslight you by telling you outright that you are overreacting, being dramatic, being too emotional, or that you can’t take a joke.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/

Say you want confirmation by tomorrow evening at the latest as you want to confirm alternative plans if you are not