People ignoring deceased requests etc - funeral

I agree entirely. We are talking about a daughter and her dead mother. The OP, while a relative, is not the daughter of the deceased and so is not in a position to claim any moral high ground, in my opinion.

On the throwing food away front…who cares? The day my husband died I threw away some of his clothes. They were in the laundry to be washed, and I thought ‘well, there’s no point washing them now’ and binned them. It was an entirely rational decision in the moment, but with hindsight I am slightly shocked at my action! But, I was on autopilot so I’m not going to beat myself up over it.

I think that’s a very naive, and slightly harsh, way of looking at it. When someone dies, especially if unexpected or suddenly, you’re thrown into organising a funeral at short notice and face a week or two of what seem like endless decisions. Just when you’re not really in a state to think rationally at all. You try the best you can to make the right decisions, but you will make mistakes. You’ll do things that made sense to you at the time, but that when you look back you’ll ask yourself ‘why did I do that’

My husband died suddenly. I know what his favourite flowers were. I also know they were out of season in October, when he died. So he didn’t get them. I know that he’d expressed a desire to be buried, though there was no definitive instruction. As a lifetime atheist, and with his parents being very lapsed Catholics, we found the thought of trying to organise a burial just too daunting, good though the funeral director was. So he was cremated. I rationalise it on the basis that I know full well had the boot been on the other foot he’d have done what suited him!

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. I know, when all is said and done, that while the funeral might not have been what he’d thought he wanted, he would have wholeheartedly approved of what I actually organised. And even if there are details I’m wrong about (which of course I’ll never know) I also know that he’d understand why I did what I did, and certainly wouldn’t hold it against me.

Why shouldn't your aunt add her own flowers? I think that's entirely her perogative. And friends going seems fine to me. I've been to the funerals of friends' grandparents. Part of supporting them.

Sometimes people go to a funeral because they want to support a friend who is grieving. It's not always about knowing the deceased.

Well, we can agree to disagree here. I also think it is a waste of money, and terrible for the environment. Fancy wood from tropical forest, silk and precious metals for handles, etc. Polystirene bases for flower wreathes, etc.

But it is a personal choice, and the wishes of the deceased should be 100% respected.

People on here have said previously on threads ignore what the deceased wants it is about the living

I find that rude

I don't think they're a waste of money.
It's part of the tradition and culture for many people.

Was the funeral director told that the only flowers were to be the coffin spray?
Having worked for a funeral director, we regularly had flowers delivered to us in addition to what the next of kin had organised. Without an instruction from the family to the contrary, we would put them in the hearse.

OP, who permitted the extra flowers? You haven't answered that.

Either your dad allowed it, or the funeral directors contravened instructions.

Sorry for your loss

Surely it depends on the nature of the relationship with the person who died whether you feel like you are being respectful following their wishes or whether you feel like the deceased is being controlling from beyond the grave.

I think a funeral is also for those who are left.

Agree with this.

Seriously, OP, let this go. Your aunt has lost her mum. Cut her some slack. Throwing away food when her mum has just gone into a care home is not the crime of the century. Leave her be.

So it’s the deceased’s daughter and her daughter who have made the funeral arrangements.

But the deceased’s son and his daughter aren’t happy because they don’t think the arrangements reflect the wishes of the deceased.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other, probably. The son saying he’s doing the financials is a fairly typical man’s cop out from doing all the painful stuff: clearing out the room at the care home; talking to the funeral directors; all those decisions relating to the funeral; all the times you have to talk to people while holding back tears.

Bit cheeky to avoid all that but then complain about how it was done.

Narcissism? Wow.

So annoying to go against the wishes of the dear departed. I however want a big funeral, flowers, black clothes, you absolutely WILL mourn me 🤣

Apology accepted

Thanks @Lovingitallnow - I misread it.

Why? Surely the Aunt & cousin have every right to make decisions. They're equal in this to the OP & her Dad.

@SofaSpuds its the ops cousin not the Dgm's cousin. The cousin is also a grandchild- same as op. Why else would the aunt have gotten mum written in flowers? Because she's the daughter of the deceased. The op is giving out about a great grand-daughters friends coming to support her.

So deceased (dgm) has a son and daughter- the ops father and aunt. The cousin is the aunts daughter- a grandchild just like the op.

Edit .... I misread OP and thought it was OP's DM.

How bloody rude!! They're not 'just for show' they can be important to the family. My Dad had a spray on his coffin from my Mum Brother SIL & me. The undertaker who led the pall bearers in carried a Teddy bear of flowers. They were on behalf of his 2 young grand daughters who had just lost their adored Grandpa. It was also to illustrate one of his proudest roles in life - being a Grandpa. They were important for us. They most certainly were not 'just for show'

Same here- and I know my adult children will respect my wishes. What sort of adult children would not respect the deceased wishes? Why would they want to control and distort wishes, as some sort of 'revenge'.

So wrong, so weird.

But surely that was an error rather than a disregard.

I’m sure your wishes will be respected because they’re reasonable.

It wouldn’t be reasonable for me to prevent my dc having a ceremony for me when I die because dd especially would be distraught.
However I really couldn’t care less about a full blown funeral and I’ll be leaving it up to them.
Wild flowers would be nice though.

Why? The aunt who organised it was presumably her daughter, and her cousin also her grand daughter.