To refuse to go on any holidays this year ?

It’s really not essential to have a holiday every year, especially if you aren’t actually enjoying it. With the kids having quite a gap in ages and the youngest with SEN, it’s clear that the current arrangements don’t support the OP to relax. The DH needs to listen to the OP and Something has to change.

We only had one family holiday when I was growing up and it was memorable because it was rubbish as we had to bring my incontinent granny with us and poor mum still didn’t get a break. It was in a chalet park in Cromer and my dad just carried on going to the local pub every night on his own as usual. God knows whose stupid idea it was!

I think holidays are only good when everyone is happy with the arrangements.

DS is 15 and we’re thinking about booking our first family holiday abroad for the 3 of us but nothing’s sorted yet. If it doesn’t happen, it’s really no big deal. DS will have years to organise his own holidays.

@fleurneige That would only work if he arranged respite care for their youngest as it sounds as if they need two adults to care for them most of the time. The OP could possibly manage alone for a weekend, but not for a week.

How would you feel if DH says, fine, I am going without the kids (to some amazing exotic location)? Would that be fine with you?

Why doesnt he take the older two and you and youngest stay home then if that works?

I love holidays, we have similar in that we do three a year, one abroad and 2 at home. If my husband said he no longer wanted to then id go myself... But he would keep the kids 😂

Perhaps DP could go on holiday with DCs, leaving you to recuperate?

@Sunnydaysathome is your 6yo really a 2:1 situation in terms of parenting? Or is it that your H is being strategic about this? Could you take your eldest 2 somewhere for a week? Have your H wfh or wrap around hours?

otherwise, you’ve said no, mean no and tell his parents you’re happy to have them nearby but you’re not making the trip this year.

YANBU Family can visit you and Air BnB as you have suggested. Also at that age the older two could each go to grandparents for a few nights in the summer holidays. I have 3 nephews and my parents would take each one individually for some one on one time. They could focus on the interests of that teen and there was never any sibling falling out.

I feel for you. I spend a week organising - Visas, airport parking, medicine repeats as I also have 2x SEN kids, laundry, buying clothes that fit (me as well as the kids), sorting the dog sitters etc… and am usually completely knackered/frazzled when I get there. If the rooms aren’t right, the plane delayed, the check-in queues insane, or the restaurants don’t serve the right meals it is all on me. Usually have had at least one child sick for 25% of trip (ear infections from sea or pool is the norm, but we’ve had norovirus too). DH just has to pack his case and turn up.

Made the most of covid to defer going back on holidays, encouraging DH to take the kids skiing instead. However, I actually adore travelling and if it could just be me on my own I’d go several times a year. So, I’ve caved and we’re going to Sicily after youngest’s GCSEs. Have chosen an all inclusive/villa in a hotel complex so kids can bugger off or mope in their room, where the can join us in the poss restaurant or go to the poolside bar for burgers on their own and where there is a mix of cultural trips to Etna/Palermo or the gym/beach etc. I shall be at the bar sampling local wines.

I will still have to do the bloody washing/supervise packing etc but am giving it a go again after 5 years…

They are essential to you. Not to me or the OP. I have never liked holidays and only ever go to be fair to my partner.

The OP is NBU.

Hi Sunnydays at home.

i think unless you have a child with additional needs, you won’t know how much extra planning/ emotional anxiety a day out/ holiday can cause. A lot of the comments are well meaning but don’t fully understand your situation as your child sounds like he has complex needs.

im peri menopausal too and neurodivergent with two autistic children. I’m finding everything much harder to cope with at the moment and from that viewpoint it sounds like you are close to burnout.

Family is important and more of a priority than a holiday but your MH is important too. Would they be happy to come next door as you have suggested or can you rent a couple of cottages closer to you within an hour’s drive for a couple of days to minimise travel and packing?

i dont think YABU, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and I send you lots of love while you navigate this bump in the road.

Also my older 2 used to go for a week with pgl every year - one did motor maintenence one year and the other dancing (both girls) - and always has a fab time.

One year we spent a week in Cambridge which is only 20 miles from our home and had a great time. Holidays don't need to be far. A friend booked an airb and b for a week in London which is only about 40 minutes on the train and was able to do lots without worrying about the train home.

There's no such thing as a relaxing holiday with a SEN child.🤣🤣🤣 When my DC were younger we couldn't leave them in any clubs. DS would literally be velcroed to me because non of my family could really manage him out and about. They did help with DD

I completely understand where you are coming from here. We have two dc and one on the way. Eldest has Sen and is around the same age as your youngest, doesn’t travel well, cope staying in others houses/changed routine etc so for that reason we have stopped travelling to family for visits (it’s 3+ hours so we have to stay a few days) and they come to us. We were honest about it with everyone and said it’s just too much for them and us and they are our priority. Nobody has complained and has been happy to compromise. As far as holidays go, we only visit two places for a holiday at the moment, child centred very SEN friendly and comfortable for us all but we aren’t going this year it’s too much with new baby, eldest having a rough time at school etc. we will do day trips and have fun at home, nothing wrong with that and not unreasonable. Kids are perfectly happy with that and all the money saved goes straight back to making memories with them in other ways.

You have my sympathy. If you are the one that all the planning and organising defaults onto then you will feel differently from your DH. You are still on duty the entire time, you are constantly trying to please everyone and if anything goes wrong you feel the guilt because you did the planning. Can you tell I have been there?
I would stick to not going to PIL, they can come to near you.
Could you offer the older two a week away at a camp of some sort?
Sit the family down for a discussion about what they would like to do, maybe each person gets to pick one big day out or weekend away.
Am slightly shocked that everyone suggesting separate holidays assumes that the youngest child with the most needs will always be with you!

I'm with you OP. I get so tense around holidays, more so when the kids were younger. DH and I come from holiday areas and we moved at least 160 miles from them so every holiday seemed to be to take the kids to see one or other set of parents. Cue moaning as we were with the other family. DH's parents house was very unaccomodating - single beds for us, children on blow up beds (Until I swapped that aroundMIL unimpressed that her boy had to sleep on a blow up bed.) Didn't seem a break for me- same stuff as at home without my things. And PIL moaned we weren't up to date with decorating etc.
Don't go- let them make some effort.

Good. It’s no hardship for his family to visit you.
Relax in your garden OP, plan some nice treats just for you and maybe some day trips for DC, collectively or individually.

I/we took a break last year (age 48) and best thing ever! Did local things and did not regret it.

I completely understand. I have 2 DDs with SEN, now adults, still living with us. Holidays while a change of scene are not a rest. DH has now vetoed all holidays due to the strain of it. As I can't manage with DD2 easily alone, that's the end of family holidays for the foreseeable. I am looking at alternatives for everyone, not necessarily together! I do get respite for DD2 which helps. Is this an option for you?

I think you could either try holidaying separately and each taking the older 2 or bringing extra family along for help and babysitting the youngest so you, DH and older 2 can have a family meal out in the evening

Dont know where you live but doesn’t even days out to a museum or a theme park involve some travelling and why are you taking pets with you.

When you go on holiday do you fly to your destination or do you drive?

Holidays do not have to be done every year and they are not essential to building memories. Some of the best memories my DC have are from the years we stayed at home and did other fun stuff/trips out etc. As a family we all prefer exploring holidays rather than all inclusive resorts so they’re equally as happy wandering round beautiful places on rainy days. The perimenopausal thing may be causing this, but you’ve just got to the stage in life you want to make yourself happy rather than just others. I’ve reached that point too and have started making a stand and focussing on me more. I don’t see a problem with that! Your kids might not enjoy visiting the relatives that much either!

Literally came on to post that I think you should have a weekend away by yourself, might make things feel a bit clearer for you.

But also, we don’t holiday every year, abroad once every 2 years but UK breaks in between. I live far from family and friends so there is a lot of driving involved but we see it as an adventure and we plan our stops so my little one gets a decent break, I’ve also now got a house sitter who stays with my dogs so I don’t need to take them with me and it’s made life a lot easier!!

I think you should do that!