To have bought this child school shoes?

But it’s not wonderful. She’s upset the mother. It’s not about feeling wonderful yourself. It’s about empathy and sensitivity surely?

I can see that the other mum was probably highly embarrassed, but then perhaps she should have bought her dd new shoes, before the old ones were so worn out that her DD’s socks were wet.

You have clearly made an assumption that they can’t afford it. Not that they haven’t had the chance to get to the shops or any other reason. You went to Clark’s!! You’ve made a statement doing this. You could have got a cheap pair from Asda. I’d be seriously pissed with you if I was her. Just because it’s your dream to be able to buy from Clark’s doesn’t mean she’s had that battle or wants that.

Hi OP, you have done a wonderful thing and the mother should have thanked you. If you are both from the same country you also would have a common cultural understanding.

Some people are very weird about these things. Once, I bought my son two wooly hats by mistake (he lost one then we bought the same then we found the old one). Told him to give the xtra one to his best friend so they have the same, and I thought this was cute. The mother got very upset, told his son to hand it back to mine saying he already has hats (ergo trying ti imply they are not a charity case). I never thought this was a charity and it wasn’t my intention.

I would just ignore it, you did the right thing and I would do the same.

I've not read all posts but all the OPs. I've been in similar situations where I'm happy to help, not for 'charity', but not sure how it would be received. I've then tried to stress how happy it makes me to be able to share. In this case, perhaps the OP buying shoes for both girls at the same time - even exactly the same ones - might have made it easier to present as 'I really wanted to spoil the girls and they loved to pick the same shoes' instead of just giving them a box of new shoes.

I can understand the OPs intention and also how the parents might have felt when a child came home wearing new shoes they'd heard nothing about before. OP, perhaps speaking to the mum next time you see her and explaining this reasoning might diffuse the situation. Good luck!

I don’t know why you’ve posted because you’re not taking in any feedback op

I think the problem was the man in the middle, I think if the mum had picked her up and you'd have said, "I hope you don't mind I took Sophie shopping with us today as her shoes were ruined when she came out of school, if it's okay it was for an early birthday present for her"

But (IME) men are notorious at not passing on messages or asking questions, so I imagine Sophie would have come home with new shoes:

The mum (to the dad): what are these?
The Dad: Don't know, OP said she needed new shoes or something
The mum: Now feeling silently judged and thinking OP thinks she can't adequately provide for her daughter.

I know you say you wouldn't be embarrassed about this OP, but a lot of people would, and if they didn't know the intent behind it, they will jump to all sorts of conclusions and feel it would be too confrontational to even ask. A lot of things go through peoples minds when they are struggling to provide for their family.

I would ring her and explain personally and clear up any misunderstanding, she obviously feels awkward or she would have asked you about it herself, it doesn't mean she isn't grateful.

I think I would have pretended it was an extra pair of shoes your dd had.

You meant well which is commendable but just taking the child and choosing the shoes is in my opinion over stepping.

I'm not sure why they buy Clark's, they're very expensive and if you can't replace them, then what's the point, why not save the money and buy cheaper shoes and replace when needed?

Fawn away all you like, EasterEgger, those of us (in the majority) wouldn't do this because we can put ourselves in somebody else's shoes (pun not intended). If you can't then you can't, don't insult the vast majority of women who wouldn't blunder like this.

Just because you would have no problem with a highly visible lady bountiful act doesn't mean that others would want to pick up that mantel. A decent friend wouldn't and they wouldn't post a thread about it for another opportunity to bask in their most generous gift.

There were far more gracious ways of resolving this and so many posters have explained what they are. For most women, it's instinctive and they wouldn't need to be told either.

I'd be mortified if someone did that for me and obviously they can't repay you otherwise they would have

I think I would have found another way of helping that was more discreet for example resoled the shoes at a cobblers and if they noticed say " oh my cousin works there and does it for free"

Or " I was given a voucher for a pair of Clarks shoes it runs out soon and I won't use it would you like it ?

That way you help but they don't feel like Terrible parents

You made mum feel like a charity case and embarrassed that you had felt the need to buy her daughter shoes (shoes that could well have been ‘better’ than her original pair). The relationship no longer feels like one of equals.

What you did for Sophie was kind, and it made you feel good, but you did not stop to think how it would make the parents feel. They feel diminished.

I think if you want to salvage the relationship you should apologise if you overstepped the mark, you got carried away and meant to disrespect.

You meant well but overstepped.

If you'd gone into Tesco for some cheap crocs there wouldn't be a problem. Its the fact that you went to the bother of taking her to the shoe shop, selected expensive, fitted shoes that they now feel obligated to use but can't pay you back that's created this awkward situation.

I think you did the wrong thing. It’s quite intrusive and personal.
i would be extremely unhappy if someone took my child to have shoes fitted and then handed me back the old tattered ones. Really offensive.
the husband accepted it because men don’t think deeply about these things. (Thats a sweeping statement but more men would accept this than women. Although if someone did this to my son’s son he would be extremely upset too.)

it’s insulting. It’s overstepping by miles. It’s judgemental. It’s insensitive.
if you value the friendship you need to discuss this with mum.

the kind and sensitive thing to do would be to not notice the broken shoes. You could have gifted her 50£ for her birthday if you wanted to do something nice and mum could have bought shoes if she chose to.

What I'm learning from this thread is there are a lot of self conscious women out there who would rather their child go home in broken shoes and wet socks than a nice friend buy them new as a gift.

@southwing i don't think you did anything wrong at all, I would have been grateful. Unfortunately not everyone takes kindness the same way especially if they are struggling with money.
Maybe in future take a step back with this particular friend if they are being strange about it.

I think you overstepped, albeit with good intentions. You could have texted the mum to ask before purchasing. I wouldn’t have been pleased about this.

I think you overstepped even though you had good intentions.

Although your heart was in the right place, you massively overstepped here OP.
I wouldn’t dream of taking one of my DC mates to buy them shoes without their parents consent and if someone brought my DC home from a play date I’d be horrified if they’d been taken shoe shopping. It’s a very odd decision that you thought it was your place to make.

The OP says the new shoes were very similar to her broken ones. So presumable the parents can afford Clark's shoes.
I would be furious if you had bought my kid shoes in these circumstances before i had had chance to get them myself .

Sounds like you are extremeky close friends with family.

Alsom if I read correctly, it sounds like both you and the other family are from another cultural background (ie not British).

Therefore I’d say it’s virtually impossible to get much useful perspective from a predominantly British audience …. (But yes from a British cultural perspective most people would say that’s overstepping, no matter how close friends are).

I can't believe what a hard time you're getting, OP. I think you did a lovely thing. You just perhaps need to deal with her mother's paranoia. She might think you're judging her for not replacing the shoes sooner. If it were me, I'd say something to her like, "Look, I'm sorry if I overstepped the mark buying those shoes. It's just that it gave me such pleasure to be in a position to do that sort of thing now, having known what it's like to struggle. I hope you forgive me for interfering."

You can’t understand why Sophie’s mother didn’t fall at your feet and enthuse what a wonderful human being you are? Really??!

Try keeping your nose out of other peoples business. Not everyone can afford to replace shoes immediately. Handing down clothing that no longer fits your dc and rushing out to buy a pair of expensive shoes for the “poor and needy” neighbours are two different things.

YUBVU by the way you handled this.

Did you mean to be so horrible here?

Come on OP, you've overstepped and you know it.

You've written a long post gushing about how generous you were because you were forced to buy your child shoes from Shoezone (imagine the horror?!) until she was 2, so you were thrilled to be able to buy poor Sophie some proper posh shoes.

When Sophie's dad collected her you say "he was very thankful", that should have been the end of it.

But you stirred it up again because you had said the shoes were for Sophie's birthday then you took another gift to her party, which only emphasised the point that you thought her parents needed your charity.

You should have not bought the shoes. Her parents would have planned to get some new ones themselves. But given that you did step in, you should have done it with good grace and not expected more than a simple thanks - which you got from her father the same day.

Just talk to her rather than assume or second guess i agree with others she might just be embarrassed