To have bought this child school shoes?

yes I also feel there is a lot of easily hurt egos on this thread. part of being a mum is even if it hurts your ego, you do and accept what was best for your child in that particular situation.

agree with the post on the cult of taking offence....so according to many no-one should offer to help anyone else cos they may take offence.and the help here is towards a child.

(as per the cuteness definition upthread, sorry that was ridiculous so I’m ignoring that)

Sophie was already wearing clarks shoes though. I don’t think the brand is an issue here.

These aren’t comparable though I don’t think.

The shoes were literally broken and non-functional as shoes. The examples you’re giving are when a child would still have some food or some sort of coat.

@Dibilnik you have zero understanding of being poor.
I am sure if the parents had not said thanks for the unasked for charity you would have thought they were wrong? Because you do think OPs ego and feelings matter. But the ego and feelings of recipients of charity do not matter.

I don't think it's about rushing to take offence so much as there having been a lack of communication or consideration for others.

When it comes to making decisions about someone else's child, surely it's basic common courtesy to check in with the parents in advance. It's not like the child was imminently going to die of hypothermia if they didn't immediately get high-street-brand shoes. There was time to check what the parents would want.

To be fair socks cans get wet in shoes regardless of them being work out - happened to my son in his relatively new and in good shape Clark’s shoes recently; they aren’t waterproof.

for all we know the mum had plans to go that weekend and couldn’t make it during the week before they fell apart and is now made to feel like that isn’t good enough.

maybe she bought new ones last weekend but didn’t want her to daughter to wear them on a day of heavy rain in case they got ruined straight away.

maybe the daughter accidentally put on her old ones in the morning. Op may have spent good money on something that wasn’t needed , given Sophie will need a bigger size next time this might have been a complete waste of money.

@Dibilnik OPs ego matters though. Her charity made her feel good. How the parents felt did not matter. They were just supposed to be grateful recipients of unasked for charity.

Don't be silly!

Not everything in life revolves around us and our ego.

It is clearly a lie that they are a birthday gift. At the very least you should not have given another birthday gift.
It was charity. You better off deciding you would give something unasked to a poorer family.

I agree. If there's one thing on planet earth that absolutely no likes its being or feeling patronized.

So would you buy healthy meals and send a child home with them if you thought a parent was feeding their child unhealthy meals? After all it is putting the child first.
Would you buy a child an expensive coat if you thought they were not wearing a warm enough coat?

It is a humiliating thing to do and it changes the power dynamics in the relationship. You can no longer be friends.

Cute would be a pair of shoes that could be worn once or twice. School shoes are probably the shoe they wear most of the time so it should be up to the parent to decide which they have not someone who thinks it’s cute for her daughter to wear matching shoes to their friend.

And a separate birthday gift was given at the party.

"But it’s not wonderful. She’s upset the mother. It’s not about feeling wonderful yourself. It’s about empathy and sensitivity surely?"

I think it is about doing the right thing at that moment and giving the child a pair of shoes so she is not cold. If the mother was so open about their circumstances in the past (meaning they have chat in the past and are close enough), they are from the same culture, and the OP said this was a birthday gift I see this as nothing but a wonderful thing to do.

I agree though the problem probably was the man in the middle, saying something insensitive...

OP I would probably just openly talk to the mom saying, I hope you didnt mind this as a birthday present, in fact I bought the same shoes for my daughter so they wear it together, aren’t they cute! If not too late you might get a gift receipt from Clarks and use that as the conversation starter...

My guess is you have never faced the humiliation of being poor.

I wouldn't say they've let their pride get in the way of a child's wellbeing, as they weren't even aware the soles had gone on the shoes.. OP took it upon herself to intervene before the parents even realised there was a problem.

They may have already bought new shoes, or like to do that themselves as a parent/child activity, it honestly doesn't matter what anyone on here thinks, OPs friend obviously thought OP overstepped and is now embarrassed that OP assumed they were too poor to buy knew shoes.

Getting old clothes from each other as hand-me-downs from other parents isn't on the same level as buying someone else's child brand new clark's shoes. This is one of those instances where the gift actually burdens the other person because it feels like such a big gesture that you've done. It's worth when gifting to consider the reality of what it will make the person feel, not only your own intention.

Why some people would let their pride get in the way of their child's wellbeing is quite baffling to me.

There seems to be a cult of taking offence nowadays, far stronger than any tradition about gratitude for kindness.

I think a better thing to have done would have been to go to the nearest big supermarket with your daughter and Sophie and buy her a pair of shoes from there. Then when she got picked up say something along the lines of;

“We went to Tesco to get some bits for dinner and I noticed Sophie’s shoes were leaking, so I bought her a similar pair just so her feet stayed dry until she got home. I don’t want anything for them, you’ve given us enough clothes over the years!”

To me that sounds more like you doing a friend a practical favour, and less like you seeing them as a charity case.

At most I would text the friend to say "Sorry, I should have checked with you re the shoes. I hope we're ok." And leave it at that.

To be fair the discussion between the dad and the mum here and the impression that it gives the mum is exactly what happened. Not sure that the mum collecting would have resulted in a different message

I agree that many of the responses are very weird and self conscious. I probably would have felt mildly embarrassed that I let my child's shoes get to such a state that a friend bought new ones.

But if I genuinely couldn't afford it I would be very grateful at the kindness of others and that it's one huge expense that I don't need to worry about anymore! I'd be happy my child has a good pair of shoes, swallow my pride and thank my friend! If I didn't like the shoes (and I'm personally really picky) I'd probably sell them and buy new ones.

Why some people would let their pride get in the way of their child's wellbeing is quite baffling to me.

dont say this.

Apologise if you have upset her , tell her you didn’t think it through and are sorry if you overstepped . Don’t expect the friendship to be the same . Mum probably feels less than you now.

You did a good thing with the best of intentions. Life is a minefield sometimes - this is just an example of that . If Mum is so upset I doubt there was a better way of doing it so try and move on

That is a very different scenario though. You didn’t buy her son an expensive hat because it was winter and he was complaining that his head was cold, which is basically the woolly hat equivalent of what the OP did. It’s odd of your son’s friend’s mother to not accept the hat, but some people are odd.

The OP has said several times about the lovely feeling she got from buying Sophie’s shoes, which to me suggests she did it as much for her own benefit as she did for Sophie and her family. That might be ungracious of me though, and it was still a helpful thing for her family regardless of motives. It would be overstepping for most people, however.

We don't know that she didn't have other shoes to wear. She might have been refusing or insisting on wearing her old ones. My kids have done things like that.