To have bought this child school shoes?

@MariaVT65 are you happy for other parents to buy your child expensive things if they think you are not parenting correctly?

If Sophie didn’t have another pair of shoes then all the more reason for op to get some new ones.

I think neglect is a strong word here because apart from the shoes, i don’t know anything else that goes on do i. Only that they live in unsuitable accommodation and sophie seeme to be at op’s house quite a lot.

i honestly don’t get the problem with helping a kid here if there parents aren’t doing it. The issue here is that we really don’t know why she was having to wear broken shoes.

Your heart was in the right place, however I think you overstepped.

You want too much acknowledgment. Dad thanked you.

I think you meant well, but I think it would have been more appropriate to pick up a quick pair for a tenner from Asda. In that situation as the mum, I would have appreciated the Asda shoes more than the Clark’s ones.

Hi Op I am someone who gives a lot of stuff when I can (I try to be generous) - but I think you behaved inappropriately. You bought something so much more expensive than she could hope to return to you!

Also you chose something important - school shoes. I would have said - hey I have some old shoes and wondered if you would like etc. Not taken her to a really expensive shoe shop

also - you did it as a gift then are annoyed she isn't glad enough? that steps into being unkind and pushy territory. At the very least - accept honestly she may feel really embarrased and don't blame her for it.

@MariaVT65 she may not have another pair of shoes to send her in. That may be her only shoes.
And if you think the DC are being neglected, you are not helping each other out. You are doing the job a parent should be doing but is not because they are neglecting a child.

Well we don’t know for sure what the actual reason was for the broken shoes do we. Op mentioned COL issues but also mentioned she is pregnant and her DH works long hours, maybe alluding to a possibility she may have a lot on her mind and forgotten or something. I have to wonder if Sophie is going without things now, how much more will she go without once there is a baby around.

If the issue was affordibility, sophie’s mum could have sent her to school in another pair of shoes she had and explained to the school that her shoes have broken and they will get new shoes asap. They could ask for help, they could be referred to a clothing bank etc. Anything that prevents sophie from going to school in wet feet really.

I’m also with some other posters about a possible culture thing here thougy. I’m british but from a foreign family and we all help each other out. People have helped me out before and instead of being offended, i am grateful, remember their kindness and return any favours when i can.

I know you meant to be kind, but unfortunately you have probably cost your daughter a friend. I know that if I was the other mother, I would be mortified and feel judged. I would be declining playdates and social events after that, and be encouraging my daughter to make other friends.
So the moral os, unless you want your daughter to be friendless, keep a healthy distance between your daughter's friends and their families.

I'd absolutely hate it if another mum bought shoes for my DD. It's not your child to buy shoes for – how patronising!

I have to say I'd really hate this.

It reminds me of when I was at uni (lived with four flatmates) and one of my flatmates mums came down, decided our living room was messy, and cleaned the entire downstairs, including rearranging all the furniture.

She seemed to think we'd be pleased. I was livid, but bit my tongue.

I think the mum probably feels like that. It was a really rude thing to do IMO

Maybe those who think this is a good idea can buy expensive shoes for poor classmates of your DC and then post a photo of the shoes on facebook to show just what a kind person you are?

It is charity. It creates an imbalance of power and leaves the recipient feeling humiliated.

@MariaVT65 you are saying the parent was neglectful then rather than just poor?

I actually have lived in poverty with only had pennies to spend on food, though I didn't grow up in poverty. I wonder if that makes any difference to pride. If I'd had a child depending on me, I would have taken any help I could get.

There's no way of knowing how the friend of the OP's feels. I'm commenting more on the posters who say they would have thrown the shoes back in the OP's faces. It's just weird. Embarrassment I can understand. Humiliation not really. It wasn't a public calling out. It was between two friends.

The brand isn't necessarily the issue. The lack of communication and consideration may well be, though.

When I read your post I thought it was a lovely thing to do, but then when I imagined dd's friend's mum doing it I realised I'd have hated it. I'm not sure if that's because dd's friend's mum was quite bossy and judgemental though, so that might be colouring my thoughts on how I'd have received it. I think even if it had been a super tactful person I'd have found it a bit embarrassing though.

Because who buys a child school shoes as a birthday gift - literally no one.
if you wanted to give shoes and have it come across as a birthday present then buy some fun wellies or trainers at least

She probably feels embarrassed and annoyed that you think she can't clothe her own kids ( even though she may be struggling). And quite frankly she probably just feels even more rubbish knowing her girl had to have she's given to her as a bday present from a friend as she can't afford them herself. She's at a low point OPjust be there for her without expecting her to be thankful. She will when she's out of it and looking back but right now she probably feeling like a rubbish mum even though she isn't.

@Starbite then she gave another birthday present at the party. It was clear to anyone the shoes were not a birthday present, they were charity.

but if OP said they were a birthday gift out loud and clear, then they were.... Why would the mom want to read between the lines only as there was an additional gift? only to want to take offence...

Not impossible. My sister gave me a ton of stuff including a nearly new John Lewis school coat from her daughter to mine. My daughter is half the size of hers and it would take her years to grow into it. I donated it to the local high school rather than hang on to it for ages. I’d have done the same with shoes for sure.

It's too much. There are ways of buying people necessities without making them look like a charity case.

You should have said you bought them in the sale for you DD but they didn't fit and can't return them. I'd probably add in that you got them so cheaply that you wouldn't go to the effort if returning them anyway. would they be of any use to Sophie? Or something like that.

I would have been pretty upset at someone buying my kids charity footwear. Maybe the mum hadn't had time to go to Shoezone yet and was planning on the weekend?

You haven’t read the thread have you. Op has clarified that sophie’s shoe size is bigger than her DD’s, so wasn’t able to offer spare shoes/wellies.

Maybe yes op should have phoned the mum, but who knows how she would have reacted at this if she has been knowingly sending sophie to school for a while with broken shoes and done nothing about it. OP has also mentioned clarks is nearer to her, and she was replacing shoes like for like.

@Starbite then she gave another birthday present at the party. It was clear to anyone the shoes were not a birthday present, they were charity.

they didn't 'offer' to help ...

they took it upon themselves to decide what was best for the child and just did it.. as many, many people have pointed out that the shoe issue may have already been sorted out by her parents?

@MariaVT65 If there was a hole so the childs feet were touching the pavement, then OP could have given her a pair of her childs wellies or phoned the parent and said the shoes seem to have broken while she was at school, I can get a cheap pair at the supermarket as an emergency if that is okay?. Not bought an expensive pair of shoes unasked for.

@Dibilnikyou have zero understanding of being poor.
I am sure if the parents had not said thanks for the unasked for charity you would have thought they were wrong? Because you do think OPs ego and feelings matter. But the ego and feelings of recipients of charity do not matter.

yeah but the OP said it was an early birthday gift. So that’s a way out from the “charity” offence. OP didnt give a message of charity here?