To have bought this child school shoes?

But that can also depend on the mum doing the buying as well surely, if she’s the sort of mum that would quietly do this and not tell anyone to help out a friend, or is she the kind of mum that would tell the story to other mums at the school gates that she had to go and buy shoes for Sophie to virtue signal to everyone what a great friend she is.

the fact that she is rejoicing posting about it on here and doesn’t seem to acknowledge other peoples viewpoint as to why this could be embarrassing for Sophie’s mum, plus the fact that Sophie’s mum is obviously not quite happy about it for some reason, it all paints quite a picture tbh.

Not the right thing to do but I think you know that now. There was so many other ways to go about what you were trying to achieve. You were concerned about the child, I probably would have been too, but you needed the parent to lead in the help they needed or wanted.

A conversation face to face would have been the best thing to do and during that conversation you could have asked if you could help them elevate the financial worry of things by perhaps, purchasing their daughter a new pair of shoes …… etc etc etc. Usually it’s things like offering food that is well received, school shoes are a more unusual offering as that’s very personal and considered a parenting fail for many.

You’ve inadvertently shamed them and made a judgement call on their ability to parent whilst also elevating yourself into a hero role. I don’t believe you planned that, but that’s been the end result and your friendship is now suffering because of it.

God i would be livid if you did that.
DS just casually mentioed the holes in his shoes yesterday morning as he was heading out the door, aparantly they have been there a while and he keeps getting wet socks!!
Thankfully I managed to get him some yesterday but if another Mum had done so I would be horrified

As @Lou670 explained so well, this seems like it was about you. You could have offered the child dry socks, and slippers/ sneakers to wear while at yours if you had in the correct size. Sent her home in them saying ‘ she got her feet wet’ at most. But you overstepped here.

The fact that Sophie wasnt visibly confused /to you/ doesnt mean she wasnt confused at all.

So very well explained.

I think it’s out of order to do that without asking. It’s not like buying a present or handing on used clothes. You crossed a line.

It's odd that you'd do it without checking. They've probably already got a new pair for her to start wearing that she was going to get for her birthday but now they can't return then. Or something like that. Maybe the child didn't like you buying her shoes. Maybe the mum and dad don't want that kind of charity. It'd probably have been less embarrassing for them if you'd offered a pair of second hand ones that your girls had outgrown.

I earn a lot. My best friend does not earn a lot. And I have to be very careful not to overstep and embarrass her. We both do well I just Happen to earn more, but there have been awkward moments in the past when I have tried to pay more (ie to go on holiday together) and she hasn't liked it. I don't buy her very expensive gifts as I have previously and I could tell she was embarrassed because she couldn't do the same. Obviously from my perspective she is my best friend, I love her and want to share my stuff with her. But that's not how she feels when I do that, and ultimately I want her to be happy. I expect that's kind of how your friend felt. That you were rubbing her face in the fact she can't afford those shoes. She probably felt it embarrassed her in front of her child. Of course this is all perception and not real, the child probably doesn't care, but if you want to keep the friendship you will need to be mindful of her feelings going forwards.

You hugely overstepped the mark. Shopping for and choosing new shoes is a parent’s job and, like you felt your joy at buying your daughter Clark’s shoes, this mum probably felt you’d taken that away from her.

I’ve got very little money but I love buying new shoes for my children. It’s a special thing - the whole seeing how much their feet have grown, having the shoes brought out, choosing a pair. You took that from these parents. You barged in, not knowing the situation (maybe they’d already bought new shoes and had them waiting at home? Maybe they planned to get a different brand?)

But that’s you and your feelings and quite easy to say now that the cost of a pair of Clarks doesn’t affect you. The mum obviously feels different. Maybe she’s embarrassed to bring it up incase she feels she has to offer to pay you back and she can’t afford that. Her husband thanked you so just forget about it and move on

I would say Sophie's mum is maybe a little bit embarrassed and doesn't want you to think they are a charity case or that they aren't able to provide for their children.

It was a lovely gesture to buy the shoes, and obviously something the child needed but some people find it alot harder to ask for and accept help than others.

The dad said thank you, just forget it and carry on as normal to show your friend you don't think any differently of her, and things will soon return to normal I'm sure

Hmm so you bought a child a new pair of shoes after noticing hers were falling apart. She was sent to school in them by her parents who could have put her in a pair of trainers instead of holey shoes?They maybe be having financial difficulties or just didn’t notice or care🤷‍♀️ we can’t hurt peoples feelings these days can we but it’s ok to send a child to school with inappropriate footwear?? How on earth do people think the child felt? Mum may be embarrassed or whatever I don’t really care tbh but she needs to get over herself and just say thanks. What you did was really kind.

I grew up very poor. I would have as a child been really angry at being given charity by a friends mum.

This is a really good point. DD is supported by a Young Carers charity as D'S is disabled. One Christmas I was able to give her a new laptop bought by them. DD does not believe in Santa and was old enough to understand that next year's gift might not be to that level. DD was told where the laptop came from and I asked her to draw the charity a thank you card, which she did. She was happy with the much more humble gifts she got the next year. I'd have been blindsided if someone got her a laptop without discussing it with me first.

I also was a relatively high earner before being a carer put an end to my career so have quite a bit of pride and would hate what the O P did.

As someone who grew up poor, we would have been so grateful for the generosity.

I all this “embarrassment“ and pride is misplaced. In an era where begging is being normalised (think go fund me), a pair of shoes is nothing at all. I’d be embarrassed being seen as begging, not because a kind, generous Mum bought my daughter a pair of shoes.

people need a life!

That's not true. She's put out that the mum appears angry with her.

This thread is way over the top. OP is not evil or socially incompetent for giving a gift. The other mum is pathetic and ridiculous for being offended and for putting her own fragile feelings front and centre.

What the OP did was not wrong. She couldn't leave the child in holey shoes, and didn't have any of a suitable size to donate.

Shoes fall apart at some point, especially kid's shoes. It's not a sign of bad parenting. It just means the shoes were fine that morning but were not by the end of the day.

It would have been over-stepping the mark if she'd demanded money for a pair of shoes the parents didn't know were being purchased.

It's a shame that so many people think it's acceptable for a child to suffer, just so their parent's jealous egos don't get bruised.

In Victorian times, in London, All or most children were raggedy, in old clothes and no shoes. This nightmare seems to be in modern generation DNA. I ve seen photos, heard family stories of No Shoes.
It happened and no one could change it and the embarrassment must have been so great that I could sense from my own parents that it was so important to have shoes, it was a badge of Poverty to see no shoes.
The Shoes element was obvious yo my dad, who insisted on the best brand of our shoes. We had to line them all up on a sunday night so he could polish them. I was once in dire straights and could not afford any new shoes for the kids, he noticed and was round my house next day handing over cash for shoes.
So yes, no shoes is a badge of shame/ embarrassment.
By giving shoes, you insulted that parent and acknowledged shortcomings as a parent.

I would have text the mum to say dd came out of school with damaged shoes so we’re going to town anyway, would you like me to pick up some shoes for her? What you did was kind but could be taken as overstepping and judgemental as you took away parental choice.

You overstepped and now you're put out they're not grateful enough.

should have just lent dry socks and spare shoes and left it at that if you wanted to be kind.

I’ve not rtfs but - and I mean this nicely and not in any way nastily - but are you ND Op?

Only this is like something my dsis who is autistic would do. She is just very matter of fact and black and white and it wouldn’t occur to her that this may be a source of embarrassment for some (ie. the mum)
She doesn’t always “get” the social awareness/intricacies thing!

You sound like you just saw a situation and dealt with it, as you’d be unbothered if someone did that for your dd. But a lot of people would be mortified by what you did.

You meant it as a kind thing though and you’re a good person 💐

Wow I’m shocked that so many people are offended by this. People have far too much pride these days in times when we can’t afford to let pride get in the way!

I think what you did was really kind.

Yes if I was Sophie’s mum, I may have felt embarrassed that I hadn’t noticed or been able to replace her shoes myself before they got to that state.
But I would also realise that those are my own issues and not project those feelings onto you. I would 100% thank you for being a kind friend and ultimately I’d set my pride aside if it meant my child was wearing comfortable and practical shoes to school!

This

Apart from the 'charity' aspect, I feel buying a child's shoes is very much a mum's role .

Seriously just leave it alone. How are school shoes something special that you would buy for a friend.