To have bought this child school shoes?

I am wondering what the shop assistant in Clark's must have thought ! Surely it would be extremely odd to bring a child that is not yours to get feet measured and buy shoes .

I have not read all the replies. I think you did something that was very kind. However, maybe the mum was embarrassed. I would be very embarrassed if this happened to my child; thus I wouldn't let it get to this state.

I don't think anyone on this thread has yet suggested that Sophie might have been in trouble for accepting the shoes?

That was certainly my own experience as a child if I naively accepted anything from anyone else. And another thing that OP didn't consider.

Are you really...telling this person what they feel/would have felt??

What patronises people and makes them feel like a victim is when you treat them as if they can't be in control of their own lives. When you present then with an unasked for gift which assumes the family can't look after their kids properly. If you want to keep breeding victim mentality, patronising people and telling them how they would have felt definitely does the job.

On your separate and unrelated issue of child cruelty, if anyone ever has any concerns regarding welfare the first point of call is a confidential chat with safeguarding at their school or ring the nspcc for guidance. Neither, I hasten to add appropriate in this case.

fgs. obviously not. you misread my post. My point is everyone advises everyone in this country not to butt in, keep their mouth shut, you might offend people, dont offer unsolicited help ....( and we see this a lot on MN threads)

Then the “civil” society is reduced only to anonymous charities. Just as one poster suggested up thread. in fact I was expecting it. Charities are fine, but they fulfil a different purpose. There is in the UK, a human to human disconnect, in which help, empathy is only acceptable if structured... Ergo we end up in situations where people are lonely, die alone and not get discovered, or subjected to cruelty. No-one says anything for fear of “offense".

Take what you will from this. It is an observation from a foreigner who has been here for a long time and I am not alone in this observation as it is something we discuss frequently with others from abroad, notably Mediterranean countries where the approach to social ties is very different.

What nonsense. You would have seen it as a gift. A lovely one at that. Stop with the victim mentality and get a life. Also be grateful for he kindness and generosity of others.

Personally I would have felt a mix of grateful and embarrassed if this were something my DC really needed. Embarrassed to have needed it but grateful the child is taken care of.

Also, sometimes towards the end of term school things get tatty but we usually try to cling on the last couple of weeks so we can have a fun shopping trip during the school break. So we know it's needed but are clinging on to last 2ish weeks (10 or so days wear)

'No wonder why there is so much child cruelty and people dying alone not being discovered for years in this country. No-one bloody speaks up. Such a lazy view of the world. dont watch, dont talk, dont offer help. really, in the end, what happens is, people dont care.'

Oh stop being so dramatic. The op just needed to provide a spare pair of dry socks, point out to the dad why and given them a chance to buy shoes themselves. You just cannot wade in like this.

On your separate and unrelated issue of child cruelty, if anyone ever has any concerns regarding welfare the first point of call is a confidential chat with safeguarding at their school or ring the nspcc for guidance. Neither, I hasten to add appropriate in this case.

Exactly. It isn't rocket science is it.

I've had kids here with coats with holes in, there's not a chance I'd take it upon myself to pop to buy them a new coat. There's ways and means of helping folk out by using a bit of tact and common sense.

So the only acceptable way to help is anonymous. How do you help anonymously to a person you actually want the help to be targeted at? Leave shoes by the door? Or only donate to charities?

I despair for the state (or rather lack of) of social relations in this country sometimes. The message I am getting is dont help any child, turn a blind eye, lest you end up offending someone. Look at it from another side. What happens to people who are embarrassed to ask for help?

You are misreading the thread. There are ways to help people that are less condescending and keep their pride intact.

The best way is anonymously (if truly altruistic you don't care about being recognised/thanked for your generosity). People can really enjoy and appreciate what they perceive as a lucky windfall if they don't feel pitied for being poor.

Yabvu I don't see how you don't see this what you going to do next week take someone else's child for a haircut because you think it's looking a bit long

blimey. Poor OP. All she wanted was to help a child whose mum told her herself that they were struggling and the child had holes in her shoes. She did try to disguise it as a birthday present and did not boast at all or expect a big thank you. She asked why her friend was being distant, not why her friend didnt thank her.

There are some crazy people here accusing her of:

having some rescuer complex (apparently one only helps people cos it makes them feel good about themselves. What a grim pseudo psychological world view based on debunked science on evolutionary biology and altruism),

talking about Victorian times and how shoes were symbolic ( OP and her friend are from the same country - which is not this country),

someone said OP might be neurodiverse (unbelievable really, I have no words for this...).

...why dont you just lynch her for trying to help a child?

I despair for the state (or rather lack of) of social relations in this country sometimes. The message I am getting is dont help any child, turn a blind eye, lest you end up offending someone. Look at it from another side. What happens to people who are embarrassed to ask for help?

No wonder why there is so much child cruelty and people dying alone not being discovered for years in this country. No-one bloody speaks up. Such a lazy view of the world. dont watch, dont talk, dont offer help. really, in the end, what happens is, people dont care.

I think what you did was fine.
Hopefully the mom is not off with you about it, could be a million other things bothering her and she was just in bad mood.
Carry on time will pass soon will be time for new shoes again and hopefully you will all still be friends.

If you wanted to mention it I would have just said her shoes ripped so I got her new ones on the way home.

Made it seem like an immediate need/accident rather than 'I noticed her shoes were in a bad state so took it upon myself.'

I would have taken her leaping through muddy puddles on the way home and bought her new to say ‘sorry’ for ruining them

there is a way of doing small acts of kindness without embarrassing people

It seems very much how you feel rather than the family to the point that the post was written because you didn't get the recognition you expected. I think you are missing the point about dignity here and your relationship with the mum might be helped with you apologizing saying you just acted without thinking and saw it as an easy option for a birthday present.

Maybe the dad didn't tell the mum that you bought them

Well I think it was very kind of you to help this struggling family. Incidentally my shoes are quite worn and I've putting off buying a new pair as I'm on a pension.
While I'm at it my whole wardrobe is looking a bit tatty, some new summer outfits would be most welcome.
Don't worry about me being a bit off with you afterwards I will welcome your gifts with suitable and appropriate gratitude. I wouldn't think for one moment that you are patronising and superior or are causing me acute humiliation because I can't afford my own clothes

Whilst it's an absolutely lovely thing that you have done you have probably embarrassed her, perhaps send her a text and explain why you done what you did and she might understand a bit better.

Totally bizzare behaviour. You crossed so many lines, both with the child and the adult.
How would you feel about other adults taking your daughter off and buying stuff for her without your knowledge? This is a safeguarding concern.
You possibly embarrassed the family.
You inserted yourself into something that is none of your business - their finances, their ability to give things to their child etc. You don't know what shoes the parents or child would have chosen. The child may not have felt able to speak out about preferences or even how she felt about getting the shoes with you as it was such a strange situation to put her in.
You have no idea why the child's shoes were broken. As others have suggested perhaps there was another new pair waiting at home. Some children like the feel of old familiar broken in shoes. My DC often go about in pairs that are scruffy or soles lifting because of sensory issues they don't like the new ones. Or will only wear certain shoes and unless exact same is available won't wear others.
And your snobby attitude to Clarks vs Shoezone is not very nice.
I think you massively overstepped. If you were concerned that the child's feet were wet you could have given her a pair of cosy socks to wear in your house on the playdate.

Maybe she’s embarrassed? It was well intentioned but not really your place to do it. My best friend is struggling but I’d never just go ahead and buy something like that for my godson without checking 1st. Just because you wouldn’t feel embarrassed doesn’t mean that she isn’t. Dad did thank you so maybe mum feels she doesn’t need to but the fact she hasn’t mentioned it makes es me think there is a bit of an issue there

If I wS Sophie Mum I'd have felt so embarrassed and ashamed and probably like a bit of a failure. Not to mention judged. It's probably not rational and clearly not the way you intended but if I was you I would definitely have handled this differently.

The mum may be embarrassed but I also think she's rude for not acknowledging and thanking you!

You're getting a hard time here, OP, but I'm with you. You were being kind. I would talk to the mum and bring this out into the open between you. You have nothing to be ashamed of and, if she wishes you hadn't done this, then you can learn that and not do it again - or she might just be happy to have such a caring friend.

As far as the dad just being grateful and not embarrassed - I wonder if men don't worry so much about being judged on their parenting standards but just take things at face value?