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Original poster

To have bought this child school shoes?

564 replies

southwing · 20/03/2024 20:57

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

  • it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
  • I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
  • I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 20/03/2024 21:20

Also DD even gets some 2nd hand clothes from Sophie, as she is bigger.
That is the level of friendship we have.

This is not the same. I have passed on things to friends/family that my kids have grown out of but I wouldn’t take it upon myself to buy someone else’s child new school shoes.

Yogatoga1 · 20/03/2024 21:20

She’s stuck isn’t she.

she knows she should thank you and offer to reimburse, but if they don’t have the money she will be worried you might accept and then what?

but if she says nothing she knows she’s coming across as ungrateful or rude…

Kalevala · 20/03/2024 21:20

Daffsinfeb · 20/03/2024 21:14

Yes I think you crossed a line but you meant well. I imagine the mum is a bit embarrassed and feels judged.

You might have softened the blow a bit by making an excuse to say something like you had a spare pair that didn't fit your DD and they would be doing you a favour if they kept them.

Yes, I think you needed to go about it differently to avoid embarrassment. Even when the person knows it's an act it's better than obvious charity.

ZipZapZoom · 20/03/2024 21:20

Poor women is probably absolutely fucking mortified and believes you think she can't afford to adequately provide for her child. I think you've massively crossed the line.

IfYouDontAsk · 20/03/2024 21:19

Yikes, I think you MASSIVELY overstepped there.

Bunburyist · 20/03/2024 21:18

Xmasbaby11 · 20/03/2024 21:14

You overstepped. You don’t buy clothes or shoes for another child like that - they are basic necessities and makes it look like you think the child is neglected.

Sorry but I agree with this. I’d be mortified if I was that mum.

Original poster
southwing · 20/03/2024 21:18

Sophie’s old shoes were clark and she is a lot bigger than DD so although DD’s socks fit Sophie, DD’s shoes wouldn’t so no way I could lend a pair.

Also DD even gets some 2nd hand clothes from Sophie, as she is bigger.
That is the level of friendship we have.

OP posts:
Myotheripodisayoto · 20/03/2024 21:16

I'd have done it differently, like said "oh her shoes was soaked, we'd an old pair of DDs that fit". Then when they offered to return etc id say oh nah, no need, we were going to shove them in the pile for bags for school anyway or whatever, get a bit of use out of them if you can, waste not want not".

Foxesandsquirrels · 20/03/2024 21:15

Your heart was in the right place but you should've at least acknowledged it and had a small chat with her. Lie about having them in the cupboard as someone gave you the wrong size, anything. Or even give your DDs old ones and buy your DD a new pair if they're the same size. Leaving it like you did is the problem really. It's so awkward to think you've spent quite a bit on them tbh. You're very kind though, it's just a bit tricky to navigate these things. I feel you.

Trickabrick · 20/03/2024 21:15

Xmasbaby11 · 20/03/2024 21:14

You overstepped. You don’t buy clothes or shoes for another child like that - they are basic necessities and makes it look like you think the child is neglected.

This for me, really not your place to assume.

Xmasbaby11 · 20/03/2024 21:14

You overstepped. You don’t buy clothes or shoes for another child like that - they are basic necessities and makes it look like you think the child is neglected.

anon4net · 20/03/2024 21:14

I think what you did was very lovely. There have been times in my life I would have felt very thankful for someone doing that for my dc.

It will likely all blow over. Maybe just initially a bit hard due to embarrassment or maybe it made the parents have cross words.

Myotheripodisayoto · 20/03/2024 21:14

I think I'd have been a bit mortified if a friend did this tbh

Daffsinfeb · 20/03/2024 21:14

Yes I think you crossed a line but you meant well. I imagine the mum is a bit embarrassed and feels judged.

You might have softened the blow a bit by making an excuse to say something like you had a spare pair that didn't fit your DD and they would be doing you a favour if they kept them.

Kalevala · 20/03/2024 21:13

Where were her old shoes from? I think you crossed a line, if you had had a pair at home you could have made an excuse about not needing, or even if you'd picked up some supermarket ones I think that would be preferable.

Original poster
southwing · 20/03/2024 21:13

edwinbear · 20/03/2024 21:03

Honestly, I’d be a bit annoyed. I want to choose my DC’s school shoes, I actually really dislike Clark’s, I always found they fell apart and I’d want to be happy with the style & fit. It was a kind thing to do, but yes, I’d be a bit annoyed. Maybe she had a new pair already at home waiting until those ones died a death?

the old shoes were clark too and same kinda style, very similar

OP posts:
HurricanesHardlyHeverHappen · 20/03/2024 21:13

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

I would have handled it differently but less honestly than you did.

Like saying to the children that you needed to go to the supermarket for milk and then buying them both a pair of shoes.

But your way was more straightforward.

5128gap · 20/03/2024 21:12

Her mums really embarrassed. She probably thinks she should repay you for her prides sake, but can't afford to. You should have bought a cheap pair.

Original poster
southwing · 20/03/2024 21:11

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/03/2024 21:03

Your heart was in the right place - though how would you have felt in your Shoezone days if another parent you barely knew sent your DD home one day in different, more expensive shoes? I imagine you’d have felt at least some level of embarrassment or humiliation that they’d clocked you being poor and decided that they could clothe your child better. It might have softened the blow if you’d messaged to say DD had a pair of shoes that didn’t fit and you’d lost the receipt for and would she like them before you sent them to the charity shop, offering her an opportunity to save face.

Edited

1- they are good friends
2- I would have felt happy and not embarassed AT ALL

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 20/03/2024 21:11

This was weird. I probably would have lent a pair of my DD’s shoes to the girl (maybe a pair you didn’t mind not getting back so they didn’t have to rush to get new shoes) but I wouldn’t have gone out and bought expensive new shoes for her. If someone had done that for my DD, I’d have been really embarrassed and awkward about it too.

MassiveOvaryaction · 20/03/2024 21:11

YWNBU to buy the shoes

YABU to expect mum to thank you when dad already has imo.

newnamethanks · 20/03/2024 21:09

She's embarassed, resents being put in a situation where she knows she should thank you but can't mention it as it may lead to explanations she doesn't want to give. Maybe it caused a huge family row? Maybe child felt humiliated? Who knows? Let it go OP, no good deed goes unpunished, it was a kind thing to do but let it rest.

Mamette · 20/03/2024 21:09

Catscookbook · 20/03/2024 21:04

I know you acted with good intentions but I would be mortified if I were the other mum. I think it really crossed a line. It implies that they can’t afford to buy their child shoes and that they were neglectful leaving her in old ones until you noticed it and rescued her

Agree. A pair from Tesco could maybe be explained away as an emergency buy as the existing ones were broken. But Clarks ones… it comes across as judgemental.

Tarmacadamia · 20/03/2024 21:09

Sorry, I think you've massively overstepped. I would feel patronised if someone did this for my child, and would probably keep my distance.

HateMyselfToo · 20/03/2024 21:09

I'd feel embarrassed and judged.
Not your intention, but that's how I'd feel.

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