To have bought this child school shoes?

Being given second hand clothes and hand-me-downs is very different from what you did. That is very normal between friends. Buying brand new, expensive shoes isn’t.

Wow, you are so unreasonable. As you have said choosing shoes is a big deal for you, probably for your friend too. Maybe she wanted to get her different shoes, not the same as before, going shoe shopping is a fun thing to do with your parents at that age.

My toddler has shoes that are about to conk out (they have others, but prefer to knacker out one pair at a time), they wear them for nursery and I’ll get some more accordingly. I would be completely weirded out if someone bought them shoes and had never discussed it with me.

You say you’d be fine with it, but a lot of people here are saying they would not be. Do you generally lack empathy?

If they were much too big for your dd you could have said you were given them but it would be ages before they'd fit your dd anyway.

I’m honestly surprise about how many people would feel embarassed / judged / humiliated if the same happened to them…wow.

I mean it's great you didn't feel embarrassed but surely you can see why this situation has played out the way it has. Very few people would feel this was done from a positive place without judgement from you even more so because of the type of shoes you chose. I'm also really surprised that a Clarks was the closest option compared to a supermarket or somewhere you would have paid much less.

I just wondered if you were originally from another culture?

The way you wrote your post reminds me of some of the syntax my Lithuanian friend uses when writing.

The reason I ask is because my Lithuanian friend is extremely generous and giving and this seems to be a cultural thing way beyond British social norms. I just wondered if there was a cultural thing at play. British people can be really awkward.

I'd have lied and said dd had been given them and they didn't fir or similar. Handing them over with the packaging made it look like you were playing Lady Bountiful and wanted credit.
Obviously you'd had to take you dd to buy shoes and that's why you were in Clarks, so you'd measured the other girl's feet for fun while you waited then you remembered those ones your cousin passed on that were hardly used.. .

It was kind but I would spend a long time after anxious that you thought I couldn't look after her and that you had told other people. I also would have forced the money on you to pay you back. I really wouldn't be happy

Good for you. It's not about you. Plenty of others have stated they would be and have also explained why.

Massively overstepped.

I think I would’ve done something along the lines of

buy a pair of shoes

lie to the parents and say we had them spare in the back of the cupboard / they didn’t fit anyone in our house / they were given to me but I haven’t used them… and that the girl is welcome to them but no pressure if they just want a short lend

I don’t think I would have said I’d bought them and handed over the Clark’s packaging

Good for you that you weren’t embarrassed. Can you see from this thread that you might be the minority?

A supermarket purchase with a "no you don't owe me anything, it's nothing compared to what I've saved from all the clothes you've given us!" I could feel happy with. It being expensive shoes would make me feel judged.

YANBU her shoes were falling apart, you couldn’t send her home in wet socks. Personally I think this takes precedence over Mum’s pride. They are part of your community, doing something small for another member of your community shouldn’t be a big thing or something that is actively discouraged.

I think you crossed the line.

I would not talk to you again

What you did is very kind and thoughtful, but I agree with PP here, I do think this is too much and crossing the line.

It could imply that you think the family are struggling and can't afford to buy new school shoes. I think if it was me I would have been embarrassed in this situation and the only person I wouldn't mind doing this is my parents.

Her mum might be embarrassed or annoyed but doesn't know how to bring this up, so she's kept quiet. Hopefully it doesn't affect the friendship going forward

I think your intentions were kind but in Sophie's mum's position I would be mortified. I think not saying anything and moving past it is the best thing to do. Dad thanked you, you shouldn't expect anything from mum if you did it for genuine reasons.

If you get a lot of hand me downs could you gloss it over by saying you owed them for everything they’ve given you?

maybe be honest and say you realise you might have overstepped and should have asked but you did it because you wanted to and because it made you happy to buy shoes?

my mil used to buy a lot for dd, took me ages to realise she did it because she liked spending money on her grandchild, not that she thought she needed new stuff or anything. We let her do it because it brought her joy.

My mother in law would take it upon herself to buy my children coats and shoes that she decided they needed…neither the kids or me liked what she chose and then she expected us to be grateful for it. She probably told her friends how wonderful she was for doing it as well. Maybe she’d have posted about it on the internet if she had known how to.

Also DD even gets some 2nd hand clothes from Sophie, as she is bigger.

I'd have mentioned that then, act like it was to repay them, though Clarks were likely a bit pricey for that.

I think you did a really good thing, I’d have been very grateful in their position. As you already share stuff, I can’t see the issue.

Your heart was absolutely in the right place. I 100% think your mistake was actually bring ANOTHER gift to the party. That took the focus off the shoes being a bday gift and more a charity case...

I think yabu, especially to expect two lots of thank yous.

I'd have felt quite irritated by anyone doing this for my kids, except possibly a close relative.

You've created an imbalance in the obligation dynamic. I know that sounds like word salad but I don't know how to phrase it any other way.

She's now obliged to you. In a subtle way, you're no longer exactly equals in the friendship.

It will take quite a while for the balance to be restored, and that will be accelerated if everyone moves on and forgets this happened, which is what the mum is doing

I think it's a bit odd to be honest. You could have just picked up a cheapy pair of leisure shoes/trainers from Asda etc to tide her over, and then her parents would be able to buy her school shoes. I'd feel like you were hinting at something. I don't think you need to make comment on how they're struggling with the COL. That part of your post has the feel of a superior air about it.

You’re reiterating how close you are to them but you won’t talk to them, why?

If you know them that well you should know how they’d feel about something like this.

I think you overstepped hugely and I’d have been very annoyed. I don’t think you’ll accept that though, despite plenty of people saying so.