To have bought this child school shoes?

Maybe you should have texted her? But in all honesty if doing a nice thing for someone because it brings you joy and is given freely without thought of return becomes a crappy thing to do because it might make someone feel bad we should admit we’re done as a species.

You over stepped. Playing lady bountiful probably made you feel good but I expect it made your mate feel like shit.

When I did this (bought new shoes / coat for a child), I passed them off as a pair I bought in the sale for dd to grow into and she’d skipped a size / I was given them and they didn’t fit dd.

And you accused me of trying to be argumentative! 😂

You're mates. So ask her! Tell her you didn't mean any offence and you were going anyway.

I would be mortified if someone did this. I've missed DDs shoes giving way before and when I have noticed we've replaced. DD seems to keep the shoes even after the sole flip flops. If someone noticed before me, went to Clark's of all bloody places and wouldn't let me pay I'd be pulling away out of embarrassment and I'm not embarrassed easily.

You need to tell her you didn't mean to overstep.

DS's almost wore through on the sole and had split around the ankle already. He requested the exact same trainers when I offered to buy him new ones after a year. He wears nothing else outside of school so they get plenty of wear. The new ones stayed in the box for another year before he finally let me throw out the old ones. He insisted they were still fine!

It's such a weird thing to do, imho. If you want to help a family financially you don't go via their kid. It puts the kid in a strange position as well as the parents. I don't see why you had to replace the shoes at all. They were school shoes, you picked up from school so the parents presumably didn't know the shoes had broken during the day. The dad picked up later, just carry the kid to the car as no shoes, job done. Or if they are walking/getting the bus etc, you text and say "hi, Sophie's shoes gave up today so she's nothing to use for the journey home, do you want to bring her trainers or should I lend her some of DD's?" etc

Am sure you meant well but I would be mortified ! My kids have gone out in poor shoes now and then for various reasons ( usually because they LIKE those ones !!!) and if they had come home from a friend's house with new shoes plus box to show they were new I would have been so embarrassed.

If you wanted to help you could have posted them some cash anonymously or similar . It seems very showy also !

I do think there is a difference between having a heart to heart with a friend about a difficult financial situation (for emotional support) and being forced to accept something from them.

When I separated from my H my financial situation was dire initially and caused me anxiety. I confided in a couple of close friends and they offered to lend me money, which I declined as I had money coming in down the line it was just tough in the moment.

It was absolutely lovely of them to offer and I really appreciated it. But if they had bought something for my child that couldn't be refused or returned because my child had worn it it would have upset me.

So, as I say, there's a difference between sharing a problem by talking and forcing an act on someone.

I do not doubt that your motivation came from a lovely place, at all. But you posted looking for answers so I'm just sharing how I would have felt if I were your friend.

Thing is it feels really shameful to not be able to buy your kids proper shoes.
I used to feel desperately ashamed when I couldn't afford new shoes for them. I would have DIED if a richer mum had done that and expected thanks.

However, an anonymous Clarks voucher would have gone down like a sparkly dream.

It’s all part of the same thing though. You said you wouldn’t feel embarrassed but there are loads of people on here saying they would feel that way. Rather than acknowledge that your friend might have felt embarrassed and you have overstepped, you’re adamant that you are right in the way you feel. It’s dismissive of others.

If a parent sent a child out wearing shoes with known holes in them, and they were then embarrassed by another person supplying shoes without holes, they should be fucking grateful for the replacement shoes. No child should be enforced to wear leaky shoes if there is an alternative available. This must be irrespective of any parental sensibilities

Your heart was in the right place but it's absolutely not your place to buy another child school shoes.

I know it was an incredibly kind and generous thought but I would have felt so humiliated by this if I was Sophie’s mum. A more sensitive thing would have been to have asked her if she wanted some shoes that were practically new but your daughter wasn’t keen on, or a Clark’s voucher that you had been given and couldnt use. I can understand why she is being off - the power balance in the relationship has changed and she’s gone from feeling like the girls are friends (and you are school mum friends who are on equal terms) to feeling like a charity case who can’t look after her daughter.

I think you did a nice thing OP, I'm sure mum will get over any awkwardness. Just speak to her like you do normally and it will all blow over.

People here seem to be prioritising mum's possible embarrassment over the comfort and dignity of a small child. That's not right. Children should always be the priority in these situations. Good for you OP.

I feel (irrationally!) that buying another child school shoes is hugely insulting. Food, books, toiletries... all fine in a lot of circumstances. School shoes? Absolutely not!!

"She cant even put shoes on her own childs feet"
"Typical cobblers weans"
ETC.

Its irrational, Im not saying otherwise. But maybe ask your friend? Be straight with her - "I'm sorry if I overstepped boundaries, I wanted to do a nice thing. Tell me about why youre angry with me, I want to sort this out".

look If you posted the same scenario on here and said you left her the wet worn out shoes because you weren’t sure what to do you would get your arse handed to you as well and be told you were unreasonable for letting a child go without.

You did a kind and thoughtful thing but her mum probably IS embarrassed and it’s being displaced as anger at you.

Honestly, our social group is fairly well off so the money is neither her nor there but if this happened to me and another mum felt she (rightly) needed to provide or buy my child shoes because they had holes in I’d be beyond embarrassed that I was failing to meet the most basic needs of my child.

Some really unpleasant posters here tonight…

Yes. You are perfection and your friend was mightily unreasonable not to bow at your feet for your generosity.

Alternatively, accept that maybe you did embarrass them and, whilst you haven’t experienced this, learn from it.

Why post at all if you weren’t going to listen?

Yes it was nice to buy shoes, but to hand them the (price marked?) box to make it clear they were brand new and bought specifically, and to not understand why it may have made mum feel a bit uncomfortable is all a bit tone deaf.

I'd probably also not have been able to help but think "thats a food shop I can barely afford and now I feel like I owe it to OP"

I agree with British awkwardness about these things. In many countries there would be no angst around this at all.

OP, you did a kind thing but as they didn’t seem to have appreciated it, I wouldn’t make these gestures again.