To have bought this child school shoes?

Sorry i think you crossed a line. Buying someone else's kids shoes is weird behaviour. It's not like giving them a t shirt because they spilt something. Shoes are worn every day for ages so it should be the parent who gets to choose what they are.

You are cycling through the other two roles during the course of this thread, too, op.

Going between persecutor; all the "oh right so you know that for a fact?" type posts.

and victim "I'll carry on being me with my good heart".

Well, it's interesting to watch.

I do think it is all a bit drama triangle.

In that the rescuer role is dysfunctional.

Did you ever see the episode of Friends where Phoebe argues that people only do good deeds to meet their own needs?

Bit like that.

Yeah, this. Maybe he made out as though he bought them for her? But even if not, you don't do altruistic acts so people make a fuss of you. You do it because you believe it's the right thing to do at the time. The mum, if she knows about the shoes, will most likely be embarrassed about what happened.

I think its lovely that you have done. I have been in both situations, a few years ago was on the bones of my arse and now 100 percent in a better place and love treating people. I have always struggled to ask for and accept help and do find it hard to respond which perhaps she is similar. I wouldn't give it another thought and just carry on.

the clothes are already from charity shop and hand me downs - it is not like DD is inheriting Sophie’s expensive wardrobe so - - it did not cross my mind because - - the shoes were not in exchange from clothes…make sense?

🙄

My DD came home the other day and I noticed the sole had come right away. I said to DD how long had it been like that? She said ages. These were Clark's shoes, a couple of month's old. She is quite destructive with shoes. I replaced them immediately but if a friend's mums had seen them I would have been mortified.

I think you should have mentioned it to her parents and not bought the shoes.

You swooped to the rescue. I hope you enjoyed that warm fuzzy glow.
Your heroic act of 'kindness' would have left me feeling embarrassed and neglectful.
Have other parents/children noticed my childs shoes are past their best?
Is it obvious we are struggling?
Are we being talked about?
Will SS be at my door?
Is my child being bullied?
Are you going to tell other people about this? (YES. You're so pleased with yourself that you've told a bunch of strangers on Mumsnet so you'll definitely be telling other friends/acquaintances of this generous act). Your pal knows you so will know what type of person you are.
It's good the child comes to your house regularly for sleepovers and the like. How else would they keep warm and get fed?

These are things Mum will likely be ruminating over.

I don’t think you did anything wrong, and you’re getting such a hard time for this.
I possibly would have done the same thing, if the shoes were all wet and Clark’s was nearby then it’s not a big deal to me. Tbh I couldn’t be doing with a close friend acting weird about that. If you’re all close then you
can treat each others kids like you would your own, and not make a big deal of it. That’s the dynamic between me and my close friends too. I would not lie or make up a weird story or excuse, it’s better to be straight up with it like you did, and keeping it as no big deal
The only part I wouldn’t have done is bring a bday present into it. So I wouldn’t say it’s the birthday present I would rather be like oh we’ve had so many clothes passed down from Sophie it all evens out, don’t worry about it
But you did nothing wrong

I would have been embarrassed, but I also would have been really touched that you'd done that. If I were the mum, I'd possibly have said 'Thankyou for the shoes, I can't afford to give you the money in one go, but I'll pay you back in instalments, if that's ok?'. If you then insisted it was a gift, I would have thanked you and took it as a kind gesture.

However, that's how I would have dealt with it. Everyone reacts and feels different, clearly.

I'd have probably gone along the lines, if I were you, of saying 'oh I bought these from Vinted but wrong size/style - they fit xx so she can have them save them going to waste'

For now, I'd possibly text and say something like 'meant to say to xxs dad the other night - thanks for the stuff you've given me for stuff over the years - was sorting out things the other night and realised you've saved me a fortune'.

You say Sophie would debunk your lie… I would not have told Sophie the shoes were new either. I’d have given them to the parents and passed them off as a hand me down in some way.

Massive virtue signalling fail.

Nope. I would have hated that. Schools shoes get old. I live a busy life. These jobs are saved for online where possible or weekends.
I think you massively overstepped the mark. I would be mortified if I were the mum

I would have felt very embarrassed and a bit of a charity case if you had done that to me! You would have made her feel like a failure.

You are a great person, @southwing

You did nothing wrong. Maybe when her Dad collected her you might have said something along lines of 'to thank you both for giving my DD some of Sophie's clothes'.

If you're as close as you say then I don't see why you didn't text her mum to ask her what she wanted you to do. She might have already ordered a pair online.

Why not talk to her about it? You keep saying how close you are so what's the issue?

Unfortunately with DD’s the exact ones aren’t available. This years version of them is not acceptable. Kids!

You need to stop focusing on the posters suggesting you would have been better to lie about where the shoes came from. You didn't need to tell any lies. You just didn't have to buy an expensive pair of school shoes. I cannot believe that a Clarks is closer than any supermarket that sells clothing or shoes. And if so you should have still gone to one. A cheap pair of shoes was the more appropriate purchase in this situation and likely wouldn't have caused any perceived embarrassment.