To have bought this child school shoes?

I think you did a very kind thing, but I think the Mum is embarrassed, but I’m sure she is very grateful.

I think what you did came from a place of kindness OP, though I think I would have felt embarrassed and a bit judged (though I appreciate that you are in no way judging). But I would have made light of it and thanked you given you did a nice thing.

I hope that what changes is that you can gain some empathy and recognise that not everyone is like you.

Not being uncomfortable about being in receipt of charity, is not the kind of virtue that you seen to think it is.
There were any number of ways that you could have done this more sensitively. Buying expensive Clarks shoes rather than cheap ones or charity shop ones would have been just about okay. Or passing some old ones on. But I'd feel incredibly awkward if a random school parent bought Clarks shoes for my child.

What you did signified that you thought the parents had sent their child out in substandard clothing. You implied substandard parenting. And without asking if it was okay, you bought expensive shoes to replace them. Then handed over the box and packaging to demonstrate your generosity.

You were so far over the line that if you turned round you wouldn't be able to see it. Poor woman.

The child needed dry socks and shoes so not wrong in that respect. Perhaps it would have been less embarrassing for the parents if you had said they were your DDs spares rather than making a point of having bought them by giving the box etc that’s the only thing that is a bit off about the situation imo.

I think best thing to do if they are genuinely your/dd’s friends is to speak to the mum about it and maybe emphasise that you assumed the shoes had broken at school that day, didn’t want to send her home with no shoes for next day and as you were passing a shoe shop anyway you thought it would be helpful to grab a similar pair as a birthday gift. But in retrospect you are worried that it has come across the wrong way. You want them to know there was no hidden meaning behind it, just a spur of the moment thing.

I am a giver. I have also bought people gifts, many times.

But sometimes, it's too much for people. They somehow feel indebted, or obliged, or....I don't know what.
Perhaps some people just cannot fathom genuine gists out, if they are not givers themselves.

It's a kind gesture but they could feel ashamed. It would have been much better to tell them the shoes had failed and can you pick up a cheapish pair to tide her over purely for short term practical reasons? So shoezone/primark rather than Clarks. They could see the pricier shoes and wish that money couldn't gone towards something else. Some people would consider Clarks a waste of money when their feet will grow so quickly. It's a bit like being given a chicken when you can't afford the electric to cook it. They know they can't reciprocate either.

Crikey that's a bit harsh..yes the OP has undoubtedly embarrassed her friend which is unfortunate but she's obviously in a decent financial position and seeing the poor kid in wet socks and holey shoes she did a kind thing.
It's a bit much in my opinion for her friend to be so offhand and rude.

So what about what went through Sophie's head? So one minute she is being picked up from school and the next minute she is sat in Clarkes having her feet measured for new shoes! Year 1, so 5/6? Old enough to be confused as Mummy usually takes me to buy new shoes.

You've overstepped the mark and embarrassed Sophie's mum. You openly admit that it gave you a feeling of joy and satisfaction to buy her new shoes but you didn't stop to think how her mother might feel about that. I'd be pussed off if one of my children's friend's mothers had taken my child to a shoe shop and bought shoes for them without asking me first.

Not just Lady Bountiful but Lady Arrogant 🤣🤣

I’m honestly surprise about how many people would feel embarassed / judged / humiliated if the same happened to them…wow. I woud not have any negative feelings at all.

I think this is your problem @southwing. You are only going by your own response, and find it hard to see it from another's perspective.

You did a really nice thing

And the mum is, for whatever reason, off with you.

Do a good thing, get a smack in the face. Typical for Britain I'm afraid. What I really don't understand though, is why people then wonder why nobody wants to do a good thing anymore.

@southwing Prime example right there 'it gave me joy', yes I picked up on that in your opening post. 'Me', you wanted it to give you joy.

Persecutor as you are not taking on board what the majority of posters are saying or failing to understand why they feel as they do. Taking to a another level, had you noticed Sophie desperately needed a haircut would you have taken it upon yourself to take her to the hairdressers yourself?

If someone has bought my child shoes I would feel extremely patronised by that person who obviously felt I was too poor to clothe my child properly. It’s a pride thing. I’m not surprised she was off with you. We aren’t talking about treating the kid to some hair clips we are talking about Clark’s shoes which are about £40! Who does that.

I would have felt very embarrassed if someone bought shoes for my child, while it came from a good place I would feel an unspoken criticism that I couldn’t provide for my child and I’d struggle to know how to respond.

Yoy had already been thanked. Do you expect her to fawn all over your generous gift ? It was very generous but you were thanked already?

From a psychological perspective I agree with you being in the 'rescuer' position here and then when your efforts are not rewarded or acknowledged enough for your liking you slip in to the other roles.

Rescuers in life and that personality type are usually doing it to fulfill a need within themselves, usually down to fact that in the past they have wanted to have been rescued and were not. Although you appear to be helping another, you are in fact helping yourself and fulfilling a need within you, whether that is to be shown gratification, to boost your ego, to want to be the saviour, to want to be liked. There is always a reason why 'rescuers' behave as they do.

It was a lovely gesture, but the other mum probably felt really embarrassed. A pair of shoes is an essential and she probably felt rubbish knowing you thought she couldn't provide them for her daughter. It sounds as though the dynamics between you have changed somewhat because of it.

Once I was in a shop and forgot my purse but it was only in the car. A lady behind me insisted on paying for my stuff but I didn't really want her to. I said it was fine, I will just run back to the car but she said 'I want to and I can so I will'. Then she tapped her card and paid and I didn't have any choice in the matter. I felt pretty weird about it, like she might have thought I was struggling or something. Or maybe she just wanted me to hurry up!

In your situation maybe you can just bring it up and say you hope she was ok with you buying the shoes.

Personally, I don’t think you’ve overstepped the mark at all and think what you’ve done is lovely.
Clark’s shoes last for a good amount of time and are of good quality, not to mention they would fit her feet much better due to the sizing and widths on offer.
What is the issue with spending a little extra rather than just going to Tesco’s as other replies suggest? At least you know the Clark shoes are actually being used every day and fit perfect to the feet, unlike a random cheap pair of shoes that would most likely be chucked!

It’s £40 at the end of the day. I wouldn’t class these as expensive shoes, nor something to be embarrassed over being given. Why should OP lie? I really don’t see the issue. They are friends, that’s what you do for friends.
I think it was such a kind gesture.

@southwing

You asked:

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

The vast majority of people said they felt you did cross a line and should have handled it differently.

You've responded in a very defensive and quite antagonistic way and I'm unsure why, considering you proactively asked the question did you cross the line and should you have handled it differently.

If you take a step back can you try to see that you've simply had your question answered? It's odd to ask it then be so annoyed with the responses.

Empathy isn't about imagining that everyone should respond how you would, it's understanding why other people might react differently and respecting their reaction.

You kept using the fact that you would have been fine with it as a reason your choice wasn't well received by many people on this thread, rather than taking on board the fact that most of them told you they wouldn't have liked it either.