To have bought this child school shoes?

To all the people saying she should have pretended she had a spare pair of Clark’s shoes hanging around instead, the OP is right - Sophie would have told her parents that they went to the shops and she tried them on!! Duh.

OP I do think a lot of this is a cultural difference. You are from a different country whereas this forum is made up mainly of Brits, who do have a massive awkwardness about things like this. I’m sure in many countries this would be an absolutely fine thing to do .

You have done a lovely thing for a friend. They obviously knew the shoes were on the way out, because shoes don't just split severely at the sole like that. They probably didn't see the point of buying new shoes with only 3.5 months left of school. But now feel embarrassed that you saw what a state they were, and that they allowed it to happen.Those expensive new shoes will probably not fit in September, so they may see it as a waste of money. Its happened to me a few times. I've just bought cheap supermarket shoes, and another time put them in black trainers with a note to school. They should have bought very cheap shoes for now, instead of letting it get to that state. They only have themselves to blame for feeling embarrassed. You made that little girl feel happy. All kids deserve comfortable shoes.

Having been skint as a child and struggled with my own family finances at times...I would say that a brand new paid for pair of shoes as a gift would have been very helpful but caused some upset.

Here's why

• if we are living hand to mouth as a collective, we have a spirit of 'in it together' and one child receiving something like that could easily tip the balance and create a problem dynamic. Eg. If we save our pennies for the charity shop and would usually spend £3-4 on school shoes, being gifted a £30 pair is an amount that is absolutely beyond our personal budget for buying clothes/shoes and would be impossible to do for the others.
• perhaps we were getting every last wear out of the shoes and waiting until Easter before throwing them out, maybe trying to repair them every night as a way of demonstrating how hard we make our things last
• I might have appreciated coming along if you were wanting to do that for my child and having a say in their design (ie will they be practical to wear with other outfits)
• I would have appreciated the opportunity to thank you without feeling indebted to you or like I might now need to match your gifting generosity
• I might feel wounded that spending £30 is so easy for you that you can nip off and spend that without a thought, but for me, I'm counting every single penny, every single moment of the day and maybe I'd love the chance to chat that through with someone. Not too have people offer me charity, just human connection and compassion that things are blooming hard.

You shouldn’t have done it. A cheap pair of slip ons from a supermarket as an emergency, fair enough, but not replacing her school shoes. You will have embarrassed her.

If the shoes were really bad and you know the parents couldn’t replace them then I don’t think you were necessarily in wrong for buying new one but you need to under that the mum is probably embarrassed by the situation so may not acknowledge it.

could you have instead say that you made a mistake taking the children out in the rain and it ruined her shoes and you felt so bad and it was your fault so replaced them. I think that’s easier to accept than I bought your daughter school shoes for her birthday

Sorry i think the issue here is that you’ve misread the op. She literally said she didn’t expect thanks.

If you had bought something for your friend’s child, and they didn’t mention it next time they saw you, would you not think it was a bit odd? Especially as they were exchanging the socks. That is why op thinks sophie’s mum is annoyed with her. Because anyone else would actually say thanks, it’s not an issue of op wanting to be showered in medals.

Yes, maybe it could have been done more tactfully but this is the most important thing.

I would have been mortified if someone bought my child school shoes but I can afford them. If I was in a position where I genuinely couldn’t afford them then maybe it would be different.

another item of clothing I think is fine as a birthday present and I would be alright/happy with it but school shoes feels different.

I think the best thing is to ignore it now unless they bring it up.

The child has dry feet. That's the main thing.

As a political statement, I completely agree with you. It's shameful. But the priority in individual cases needs to be fixing it. Here, a child needed shoes and was bought shoes. The child comes first, the parents' feelings second.

So she just wanted more thanks, but not gratitude? Sorry, I think you are speaking a different language to me so I can’t explain any further.

She did not expect gratitude. There’s a difference between op being acknowledged and the shoes being mentioned. Would you not feel the mum was annoyed if she had returned the socks but not said ‘thanks again for the shoes?’ Or ‘sophie likes her new shoes, thanks’.

To your second point, my point is that i think there would be a risk of sophie’s parents not buying her new shoes otherwise. It’s unlikely they both broke that day, so either the parents couldn’t afford it or didn’t notice or didn’t care. So that’s why i mentioned the prospect of sophie going back to school with the same shoes.

I think you crossed a line. I would have been mortified if I was that parent and also would have felt you were flashing your wealth at me.

If you wanted to do it I would at least have pretended I had them at home already and unused / unwanted and would she like them.

I also think to buy another birthday present on top when they possibly can’t even afford school shoes is also just flashing what you have in front of them.

They're probably annoyed or embarrassed. But you ABU to expect recognition, she's either ashamed or angry, or both. Next time just nip to ASDA for a pair of plimsolls for the playdate.
Odd that you're such good friends but can't have a conversation about shoes...

I'd have done what you did but presented it as "We had these in the cupboard, they didn't quite fit DD but we missed the returns window".

I run a food bank. We regularly help people with anything from mobiles to prams to coats to shoes. I've learnt that the easiest way to do it is to simply say, we have this, maybe you could use it?

They're probably annoyed or embarrassed. But you ABU to expect recognition, she's either ashamed or pissed off, or both. Next time just nip to ASDA for a pair of plimsolls for the playdate. Odd that you're such good friends but can't have a conversation about shoes...

To be honest i wouldn’t have done either of those things you suggested.

1. if the only people in your house are adults, their crocs are not going to fit a 5 year old are they.
2. Buying school shoes as a gift may be a bit risky when the child hasn’t been fitted for them

The reasoning for the child not having functioning shoes doesn’t really matter. The fact was, she needed some shoes and was bought some.

@southwing I think you’ve been given a hard time on this thread. If you are good friends with this mum and you know that they are dealing with a lot on their plate right now, then try not to take her demeanour personally. Her demeanour might just be a reflection of how stressed she is.

But she did expect gratitude. She is perturbed that she has not been ‘acknowledged” by the mother. But what would that look like other than more thanks, even though the father has already said thanks.

I don’t understand your question about school, Sophie came to their house after school. I would have taken her shoes and socks off as they played inside, lent a pair of socks for going home in. It’s not hard. 🤷‍♀️

I’m sorry but you clearly don’t understand the COL crisis for lots of people.

The OP has said this family are so skint that they’re in a 1 bed flat that’s mouldy. There is a risk they will be made homeless. Just being able to go out and buy new shoes is not an option when you have literally no money to do so. Have you not heard of “heating or eating”? That’s the reality for so many families.

That’s not to say they’re not embarrassed by not being able to buy new shoes or that another parent felt the need to step in and buy them. It highlights the issue and makes it clear that others know they can’t afford things. They may now be worried SS will be round due to their ‘neglect’.

I suggested giving the girl a pair of DD’s shoes before the OP said her feet were bigger. I’d have probably tried to find a pair of crocs/sliders/flipflops that would have worked for now. Maybe bought the girl a nice pair of black fancy shoes/boots (that would be suitable for school) for her birthday but actually wrapped them and given them on her birthday.

op did not expect lots of gratitude. There’s a difference between that and sophie’s mum acting out of character with her. What would your solution be then? Let sophie continue to have wet feet all day at school?

What you did was a lovely thing and the father had already thanked you. The mother was probably a little embarrassed and sad that you could buy them and they could not. She might even have planned to say thank you at the park, but found it a bit difficult and awkward when the time came.

Wow. I really can barely believe that you bought a child new shoes and don’t understand how insulting that is. And you expect them to fall at your feet in gratitude. 😳

@Rosebel @decionsdecisions62 op has already clarified that sophie has a bigger shoe size than her DD so spare shoes was not an option.

Really?
You have clearly never known poverty.
There are millions of kids out there who have loving parents who just can't afford essentials anymore. If this is neglect then it's state sanctioned. Working families, living in mouldy, 1 bedroomed flats, just shouldn't be happening.