To have bought this child school shoes?

This happened to me as a child. I have to say, I absolutely felt my mother was being judged and was very embarrassed in front of the family friend who bought them and in front of my mother for having been the unwitting reason for her being made to feel awful. I ditched the shoes as soon as I possibly could.

@MariaVT65 the OP was already thanked for the gift by the child's father. Is a fathers thanks not good enough? It has to come from the mother too? You've just harped on to several other posters about how the OP didn't expect a thank you at all. Now you've changed your tune because you can't actually answer the question on how to acknowledge something without one. Yes please don't respond to me any further thanks, I couldn't give a shiny shit tbh.

I think the mum is probably embarrassed. My children often had holes in their school shoes - they changed into them at school and didn’t tell me when they deteriorated. I was mortified when I saw them, as I know the children were used to everything being worn out, hence the reason they didn’t think to tell me.

I think, in your position, I probably would have tried to put her at ease by minimizing what you did when she handed the socks back maybe something along the lines of shoes suddenly deteriorating when it’s wet. It’s difficult to know what to say, but I wouldn’t judge her for her reaction. It probably makes her feel like an inadequate mum, but hopefully she’ll get past it and know it was meant kindly if you ignore the uneasiness and just keep being nice.

*edited to add, better things to say in the post above mine.

Don't let this get awkward. You meant well but I can see how it seems a bid odd (even if kind) from her point of view.

Why don't you just text to say 'sorry if I overstepped with the shoes. I just loved seeing their little faces choosing together.
You've given me so many clothes that I really wanted to do something in return.
Looking forward to Saturday (or whenever you normally see her).

Whether you are totally right or totally wrong, it's not worth losing what sounds like a lovely friendship over. She's got a lot on her plate and this probably isn't about you or shoes really but they highlight a crap situation. You were trying to make it a bit better. She sees it emphasising her predicament. Neither of you are wrong, just in different places.

I think you crossed the line; the other mum is probably feeling like a failure

I get the sentiment but you'd have been better off buying a pair from tesco or shoe zone as an emergency.

It is her parents job to replace shoes. Not the op , who instead of messaging the parent about it first, just decided to go to Clark’s and buy new shoes for someone else’s child. It’s overstepping and the fact op has announced her ‘good deed’ on mn and is wondering why the mum didn’t say something to her ( even though dad had already said thankyou ) suggests to me this is all about the op. Just my opinion of course.

This. I was a single parent for years. I wanted to be seen as,and treated as, an equal by my friends. I would have been mortified if a friend had done this .

Jesus Christ.

You’re deliberately trying to be difficult and missing the point now.

I’m not saying you express gratitude without saying thank you. I’m saying it’s normal as a polite person and a friend to say thank you for a gift, which is why op ‘expected it’. Just in terms of how a conversation goes. In the same way as if i sneezed i may anticipate that someone may say bless you. It’s totally different than the op standing there and being like ‘i want shit loads of credit and glory and flowers from you because i bought your kid shoes’.

If you buy a friend a gift, and they don’t say thank you, you may assume something is wrong. That is what has happened. Not that op expected sophie’s mum to bow down at her feet.

I won’t be responding to you any further.

YABU. Both for buying the shoes and for feeling upset by not being thanked by the mother. You dont make decision about other peoples children shoes like this, its odd. As you explained, you do have an issue about clarks shoes, its your issue, dont inflict it on other families.

Who said they can't afford school shoes? The parents haven't.

@MariaVT65 please enlighten us all on how to acknowledge a gift without saying 'Thank you'. Word for word please. So I can remember how to acknowledge something I didn't want, or ask for, without having to fawn over the gift giver. Thanks.

Am finding it pretty upsetting they’re living on a mouldy 1 bed flat and about to have a third child. If is really at a stage they can’t afford school shoes it’s a much bigger issue.

When OP says acknowledgement, I don’t think she means gratitude. Sophie’s mum was clearly pissed off, and instead of acknowledging, and having a conversation about what upset her she chose to be passive aggressive. If they are friends, it’s not unreasonable for OP to expect an open conversation.

Did you miss the fact the child's shoes had fallen apart to the point where her socks were wet? A toy wouldn't have helped her there.

I think it was a really odd thing to do. Fair enough, taking your child and their friend shopping and buying them both a little toy or something but school shoes? I’d only see this as okay if Id been messaged about it first and asked. Plus I would be giving the parents the money for them afterwards. In this situation I’d return the shoes to op and go and buy some myself.

There’s a difference between expecting an acknowledgement as that is what you do as a friend. If your friend buys your kid a gift, it’s natural that you say thank you. It’s not the same as expecting lots of gratitude. By ‘expecting’ an acknowledgement, i mean as in you would naturally anticipate it in conversation.

If they already had a new pair waiting at home, then the parents have done a poor job of checking sophie’s shoes. I doubt both soles became detached on the same day.

You do not know how the Mum felt about this. Uncomfortable as a minimum. She is entitled to do that. Maybe she feels called out for her child not having suitable shoes.
It's one thing handing on, for example, coats/clothes/trainers that have been "outgrown" but I think a brand new pair of Clarks is quite different.

There has been absolutely no indication from either of Sophie's parents that they couldn't buy her school shoes. For all we know they could have a new pair already waiting for the old ones to fall apart. Lots of parent do that.

I'm also not sure how PP are expecting Mum to acknowledge a gift without saying a thank you. 'You bought Sophie shoes' sounds a bit of an odd statement quite frankly. There was clearly a thank you expected at the meet up on the playground.

I think Sophie was probably mortified too!

I think its possible the mother felt robbed of choosing her daughter’s shoes and the joy of providing them for her. It was a kind intentioned gesture but one where you gained the joy and deprived the mother of it. She may have been planning the shoe buying for her birthday weekend. So perhaps if you’d said to the mum you were going you Clark’s to buy shoes for your daughter, could you buy some for her daughters birthday while you were there, that it would have landed very differently.

I think too, she may have felt embarrassed that you felt the need to do this for her daughter and that she hadn’t (poss due to money) been able to. If she’s a mum who values on providing for her daughter in all ways, I think this would have been very upsetting, like you had to step in and this of it for her. Yet I’m sure she saw the shoes and wished so much she could do something about it.

I also think when money is hard, it can sometimes feel so isolating and shameful. I think it may have heightened those feelings for her.

To all the people saying she should have pretended she had a spare pair of Clark’s shoes hanging around instead, the OP is right - Sophie would have told her parents that they went to the shops and she tried them on!! Duh.

There are ways around this, very obvious ones. The point is that OP could have modified her behaviour slightly and avoided this issue, if there is one.

I would be embarrassed if someone did this for my child. It may be that they cannot afford it. I would have asked the parents first. I think you crossed a line. Mum may not have realised the shoes had totally broken. I think most dhs wouldn’t relay the whole story.

YABU to buy shoes for another child without asking first.

I would have been livid- taking your little girl to the shoe shop and helping them choose was one of life's pleasures for me and I still look back on those times with DD with nostalgia and miss them. We always made a day of it! Shoe shop followed by lunch and a look round the toy shop next door and then home to prance round the house in the new shoes and show them to dad. Happy days.

How do you know the mum hadn't planned to take her at the weekend?