To have bought this child school shoes?

This is what I'd have done. Rung her mum and asked what to do. She might've been planning to take her DD to get school shoes or not.

To just take a child off to get an essential item of clothing when you could've lent another pair is rude and assuming. And then you refused the offer of money for them, you could've said, 'oh go on then, you can pay me half for them if you like' as this would've eased their conscience a bit.

I think you did a kind thing OP, but I’m not sure you should expect the Mum to mention it when Dad has already thanked you. You’ve made me remember how, as a small child, I longed for the beautiful shiny Clark’s shoes which some of the girls in my class had. My DM received clothing vouchers from local authority so i had to have the ugly shoes which they provided. I’d have been overjoyed if any adult had treated me to those shoes. I still remember 40 years later how happy I was just to receive some “cool” hand me down clothes.

No but the child's existing shoes would have had the brand name and size in them - she could have picked up a pair on the Sat and gave them to her on the Sunday at the party. It was the whole lets pop down to clark's for a fitting of new expensive school shoes your parents could not afford which was the issue.

I’m amazed she didn’t throw the shoes back at you.

Settle down. This is getting ridiculous now.

Well you’ve humiliated the poor woman. You just don’t do things like that. Completely inappropriate. I’m amazed she didn’t throw the shoes back at you. You need to apologise to her

Sometimes people just feel embarrassed about stuff like this but OP you did nothing wrong and your gesture was very kind and you had very good intentions. I think the 2nd gift was what maybe turned the milk sour. Maybe send her a text or something to clear the air?

I think I probably understand the COL a lot better than you, having lived below the poverty line for many years.

You seem really cool with child neglect.

I was going to write basically exactly this!

I get what you’re saying, but i’m basically assuming (maybe wrongly) that it’s the 2 mums who are actually the very close friends, not OP and sophie’s dad. I’m basing my assumption on the dad working long hours, and my entire friendship group being mums, not dads. But I could be wrong.

On the basis of my assumption, if my friend bought my kid shoes, and my DH went to pick her up that day, i would definitely send a text or say thank you myself. Because they are my friend.

This is how I would feel. You put them in a really awkward position.

I think it was a kind act, but would have anticipated that it would have made one or both parents uncomfortable… so I would have told a white lie and said the shoes were a pair that the grandparents bought and have been sitting in the cupboard as they didn’t fit my child or something similar. Ie, made out that I was relieved to be passing them on and glad that another child might get some use out of them.

But dad had already said thank you. Surely both parents don't need to say it? Would you expect mum to say thanks for DDs birthday present and then expect dad to say it again a couple of days later? I'd find that weird.

Looking at her current shoes for a shoe size, often written on the shoe? Comparing her shoe size to DD’s by physically putting the shoes next to each other? Getting and handing the shoes over the next day / at the weekend rather than that day, so the other girl wasn’t going in and out of the shop?

As I mentioned above I work in this area and you find a way with a bit of creativity.

Yes you overstepped the mark here.

It isnt about YOU how much Joy it 'gave YOU'. Why do you expect thanks or anything for something that you decided to do. Its also a bit odd that your daughter had a playdate with her friend but, you had chose that time to go and buy your daughter new shoes.

I am cringing at the thought of you passing over the shoe box with old shoes and wet socks in.

Sorry but I would feel v patronised as the other mum.

You massively overstepped and put everyone in a very awkward position.

I also don’t believe your heart was truly in the right place. It was about making you feel good, not anything else.

If it was just about being useful you could have quickly called the mum and said “Lucy’s shoes have worn through, I’m in town, I could go to the cobblers or Clarks if helpful?”.

Like what?

’Hi Sophie’s dad, just wanted you to have these brand new expensive shoes that are 2 sizes too big for my DD that I just happened to have lying in a closet. That coincidentally fit your DD, right at the time when her shoes have broken! Also, we randomly went to the shops today and your DD tried on some shoes for no apparent reason, but don’t worry about that - these are definitely hand me downs.’

You were wrong, you embarrassed the mother. Doesnt matter that you wouldnt feel like that, poor people can still be proud and not want charity. You made it worse by taking a second present to the birthday party, your child could have given the gift another time. An envelope slipped through their door would have been kind, this was not.

Best thing to do now is to keep quiet and gratefully accept any clothes they offer you. If they say anything just say you are grateful for the clothes they pass on and this was your way of giving back.

You may be right on that 🤷🏼‍♀️.
but she’ll probaby loose a friendship over it

You did a nice thing for the family.

That's enough. Don’t make this all about you now.

You need to apologise to the mum, and say you realise it was condescending , even if your intentions were good. Say you’re sorry you did not discuss it first, or handle it in a different way.

Good grief, don’t do this. Much better to pretend it never happened and move on. Flagellating yourself in front of this mum will only add to the general mortification on both sides.

Why are you asking then?

Every poster has nailed exactly the reason why the Mum is keeping silent about the shoes. Buying a cheap emergency pair would not have been as blunt as PP said.

For somebody who thinks back to how they felt about not being able to buy their child desirable shoes and the thrill of then being able to later on, you seem completely unable to think of the obvious here.

The Dad has already thanked you, keep quiet now.

This
the mum is feeling humiliated that you noticed her daughters shoes were in poor state and you deemed to buy new ones without any consultation whatsoever.
massive overreach, entitlement and I don’t use that e word readily

one way to learn this point is to watch the original Railway children film (r book) when Bobby and the other kids do a village collection for the station master. That man’s humiliation and shame was clearly shown in his anger towards the children. And the children learnt form it .

clearly OP never watched this film or had a similar learning point in her youth to understand that people don’t like being pointed out publically as being assumed they’re not managing financially.

there were much better ways you could have handled this OP. Gifting the money to the parents anonymously through the door with a typed note. Or even just speaking to parents first to ask if it would be appropriate to buy as birthday present- personally I think buying a child their shoes as birthday present is shitty. A child shouldn’t be gifted a basic necessity of life- like giving your wife an iron frankly!

you were in the wrong. You meddled in something you know nowt about in terms of circumstances. It was “Badly done”. You need to apologise to the mum, and say you realise it was condescending , even if your intentions were good. Say you’re sorry you did not discuss it first, or handle it in a different way. Hopefully the. I’m will come around to fact you meant well but are just lacking any empathy of being in their situation.

AND if you are going to make charitable donations, don’t expect thanks. Again, lessons in my youth were biblical around do it quietly, under the radar and without any expectations in return- even an acknowledgment or thanks. If you gift something charitable and make a show of it or expect thanks it’s merely virtue signally for you own benefit of feeling noble about yourself. That has no religious connotations for me now as an atheist but it still holds true.

sorry, but I learnt these “rules” of charitable giving as a child- how does a grown up get to this age and not realise the sensitivity around this.

I think you shouldn’t have given the old shoes back, you should have just said they broke and you had to get new ones.

When I was little our neighbour was an alcoholic and her kids were always a bit neglected looking, my mum used to invite them round to play and ‘accidentally’ get paint or mud on their clothes so she’d have to give them a bath and put them in some of our ‘old’ clothes (new or almost new clothes).

There was always the pretence that it was unavoidable so the neighbour could save face.