To have bought this child school shoes?

Quite frankly, i don’t really care whether sophie’s mum felt humiliated or not. Op felt she had to buy sophie some shoes for a reason. That reason was that her parents had sent her to school in broken shoes.

Well obviously OP takes no issue with others telling her what a kind and wonderful woman she is lol!

If she is adamant she WNBU why ask the question? Or even mention it

Sophie’s mum didn’t appreciate a busybody meddling in her life - obviously!

You fawning over OP matters not one jot.

OP loves getting off on the humiliation of others. Poor Sophie’s mum will now feel forever indebted to OP. No mum should be made to feel they ain’t good enough!

Yeah, I would have felt pretty mortified if I'd been Sophie's mum too. Comes from a good place but you just highlighted the imbalance in your incomes, and probably wounded her pride as a mother providing for her daughter. Nothing more to be done now though, just try to forget about it and move on.

You absolutely crossed a line buying a child a fairly expensive pair of Clark's shoes. You should have bought a very cheap pair. How embarrassing for the poor mum. Were you expecting to be reimbursed? You meant well but what a faux pas.

I think you are lovely but u think I'd be rather embarrassed if somebody did this with my child

You sound lovely. People are just horrible now trying to make a good thing you did somehow offensive. If I was them I would be touched at your kind act. Perhaps they can't afford to repay you and don't want to have that conversation first.
Maybe just start with I really hope you don't mind me getting your DD shoes the other day. The nearest shop to us was clarks and I picked a similar style in the hopes you wouldn't mind them. I have the receipt if you wish to exchange them but I thought they would make a useful gift.
And then you have opened the dialogue up for mum to say if there is a problem.
You did a really kind and generous thing.

I think you did a kind thing and I think the mother should have thanked you too. People saying that you embarrassed the parents, surely it's more embarrassing to send your child to school in broken shoes with the soles coming off which will be noticed by teachers.
Also if they had been really embarrassed by it the mother would have handed the shoes back to you saying it was too generous and they couldn't possibly accept such a gift.

I have been in the other mum’s position. If my mum bought shoes - great but a friend?

It’s patronising and humiliating- the woman has been made to feel like a charity case.

You have placed yourself on a higher level than this mother and I’m betting she’d prefer the equality that existed before.

It made you feel better but you forgot to consider how the recipient of your ‘charity’ would feel.

There’s still such a thing as pride.

Not all of us have said op is being unreasonable though.

If the shoes did actually break on that day, what’s the problem with taking sophie out to buy new shoes? The broken shoes were also Clarks. The dad said thanks and offered to reimburse.

If the shoes had been broken for a while, then there is also no problem with buying sophie new shoes. Rather than send your kid into school with broken shoes, send her in with another pair and an email or note explaining her shoes are broken and they will buy some more asap. No way should sophie been sent to school in shoes that were already broken. This would show that the parenting is a bit lacking here.

As I said before op, it sounds like sophie also at your house quite a lot and you do a lot for her. Her mum shouldn’t be annoyed with you. Maybe just let it go and see how things go. It’s great you’re looking out for Sophie.

Op - AIBU?

Replies - Yes you are

Op - NO I’M NOT!!!

When my eldest was small I was a single parent, struggling a lot, with a lot of mental health problems. On more than one occasion, her friends' mothers would take her out and buy her things that they knew I either couldn't afford or couldn't manage to get out and buy. I was just so grateful that they were there to help me.
I've done similar now I'm in much better place and better off, for the youngest dcs friends.

Come on Op fess up, you've just came on here and brag that you can afford Clarks Shoes haven't you. 😂

You really overstepped doing that.
The dad thanked you , why isn’t that enough?
I was taught to always give unconditionally.
Let it go now as anything you do or say will likely make the mum feel worse.

You have a kind heart and did a nice thing. I think her mum is probably a bit embarrassed. If the mum is off next play date them maybe apologise if you make her feel uncomfortable.

If you give something you do it because you want to, the dad already thanked you that should be the end of it. The mum shouldn't have to then thankyou.

Yanbu, you did a lovely thing for a child who means a lot to your child, the girl will remember you did a kind thing for her. Her parents should have thanked you again, I don't care what anyone else says, both parents should have as they saw you separately. Also just touching on how absolutely unbelievably irresponsible they are! Living in a mouldy 1 bed flat is one thing but also being pregnant. Subjecting their children to a life of squalor, Ill health and inadequate footwear. I'm glad you are able to provide relief to that little girl.

I think I would feel really humiliated if another parent did this. There were other options available to you that would have still resulted in your DD's friend not having to walk barefoot, largely based on the idea of communicating with the child's parents. For example:

"Do you want to bring a spare pair when you come to pick her up?"
"DD has some spare shoes she can borrow."
"We need to pop to [local shop that sells shoes, like a larger supermarket] anyway on the way home, would it be ok with you for us to pick up an emergency pair of shoes?"

Her parents may feel that you treated their daughter as a charity case, undermining their parenting and judging their financial circumstances.

Shoe shopping can be quite a personal activity, so it may have hurt her parents' feelings that you did that with their child.

Another thing to consider is that the child's family may have planned a shoe shopping trip or saved up to buy her a nice new pair, and now that may feel a bit scuppered by your actions (when times are hard and money is tight, it's hard to justify multiple pairs of shoes in the same size filling the same role, and the excitement of new shoes as a present from parents may be reduced if brand new fancy (better?) shoes were provided just a few days previously.

Without communicating with the parents in advance, you wouldn't know if they'd be fine with it or not, and you didn't think to check.

At this point, if I were in your situation, I'd probably speak to the child's mum and say something like: "I was thinking about the other day when I bought shoes for your child, and I think I overstepped. I'm sorry. In the moment, I thought I was doing the right thing so that she would have shoes for going home, but looking back, I should have spoken with you and not rushed off with my own idea. Are you ok?"

So what acknowledgement did she want then? Why did she specifically talk about it? What did she want her friend to say in bringing up the shoes to acknowledge but not thank? The Dad said thanks, OP said it was a birthday gift, end of story. Gift, thanks, done. Even if I thought this was a 100% kind gesture, and I'm not saying it wasn't, I would still be mortified. Why shouldn't her friend be able to ignore what happened, what she didn't ask for, why expect friend to bring up the shoes?

She may well have removed the choice from the parents to get a cheap pair they were saving up for by buying the child an expensive pair her parents had no choice about accepting and couldn't really afford. If the sole aim was to get the girl shoes, then its done at that point and it doesn't need to be bought up. I don't think she should apologise, I think it should be buried and forgotten. I am surprised it never occurred to OP that her friend might not be grateful and happy about this. It was kindly meant, but that doesn't mean it was kind. OP was focusing on her own joy and didn't stop to think about the effect her actions might have on her friend. She should have asked, but not having asked she should have at least gotten something cheap, and not having done that she shouldn't have made it obvious they were expensive.

Ah, I forgot, I did see about the sizes. It would still have been better for OP to do as you said, rung the mum to ask what to do about shoes.

OP really shouldn't take it upon herself to buy an expensive pair of shoes for Sophie. Yes Clarks was nearer but I'm sure a big supermarket wouldn't have been that much further away to get a replacement pair of cheap shoes which Sophie's parents would have felt more comfortable accepting.

I agree shoes should've been bought much earlier. However, maybe after playing that day they finally had looser soles than before, plus the rain made it worse. The parents probably feel upset (no matter what country they're from as OP says they're from outside Europe) and embarrassed that the shoes issue got so bad that someone else noticed apart from them and that this person assumed they couldn't afford to buy their daughter new shoes. The friendly relationship which was there before with them passing on older clothes from their DD to OP's DD is now soured/muddied.

Op has clarified that they didn’t have spare shoes to lend as sophie has a bigger shoe size.

It may also not have been safe to assume that sophie’s mum was planning to buy her new shows, as it sounds like it was past this point. Shoes should have been bought much earlier.

I don’t think op did anything wrong, as Sophie comes first. However, a compromise may have been to call the mum first to let her know about the shoes and see where the conversation led. Issue is we have no idea what she would have said.

I think shoes are quite an emotive thing that are associated very strongly with poverty in our psyche - poverty is often indicated through lack of shoes, broken shoes etc. So I think while your heart is in the right place you embarrassed the parents.

Sorry OP, I think you crossed a line too.
Buying a cheap emergency pair of shoes because one pair had broken is one thing, but actually taking her to Clarks and buying new school shoes for her? That's a bit much and I wouldn't be too pleased if it were my child, even though it's meant as a kind gesture.

Should I have done anything differently? You did a nice thing - I imagine Sophie enjoyed going to get the shoes fitted (I can't understand those suggesting you should have lied about where they came from - how would this work when Sophie was with you in the shop?) The dad thanked you and offered to pay and you said no need - they are a birthday gift. I agree with other posters who say your mistake was in taking ANOTHER gift to the party. That's the moment when you start to look like Lady Bountiful.

No ones been humiliated over a pair of shoes for gods sake!!

op you did a very nice thing. It's sad that you are being vilified for it.

its shoes not a pony