To have bought this child school shoes?

Buying Sophie a cheap pair of emergency shoes would have been fine. Her feet would be dry, her parents could have offered to pay you back for them (or not), could have kept using them or replaced them with more expensive new shoes as they liked/were able, and nobody would have been embarrassed. Buying expensive shoes was very inappropriate, and it's obvious they weren't actually a birthday gift because you also gave another one.

When I was growing up wet feet was a sign the shoes needed to be repaired or replaced as soon as possible - usually the following weekend. It wasn't a big deal. Definitely not 'unsafe' for a child in any way, although if a sole was actually flapping it should have been stuck down.

When I was struggling as an adult I had someone decide to buy me something much more expensive than I could have bought and it was obvious they saw it as charity. I was reminded of that every time I saw the item and ended up not using it and giving it to a charity shop myself. Not a nice feeling.

Why are people, defending the op, making out that Sophie's parents are in the depths of poverty and could never afford new shoes for Sophie? Sophie's previous shoes were also Clark's.

The obvious course, and what any mum friends I know would have done, is call the parents to let them know the shoes are broken. They (the parents) can then go and get new shoes for Sophie ASAP- maybe trainers at school until the weekend when they can buy new school shoes (eg cheap or second hand if necessary). Op could even have said "shall I get her some, I haven't got her a birthday present yet"

I'm trying to imagine doing this for any of my dd's friends and I really can't imagine it. I'd expect the friendship to be over if I felt I'd had to intervene to buy new shoes for the child. That would mean I'd decided the parents were neglectful.

If op genuinely thinks her friend is neglecting her child, a form of abuse, I can't understand why she even wants to remain friends.

If sophie’s mum knew she had broken shoes then she should have been sending her to school for the day in any other pair of shoes she has that aren’t broken and explain the situation to the teacher.

Op was just looking out for a little kid.

Intention was good, execution not good. Rather than presenting a new box and making it obvious it was a new purchase, I'd have said something like "Would Sophie like to keep those ones? We have had them lying at back of wardrobe and they weren't being worn" blah blah......something that preserves their dignity, but the child still gets the shoes.

It seems everyone is focused on the parents reaction but have given little thought about how the little girl was feeling about having broken shoes and wet socks.

So I have been the child in this scenario. A little older, yes, but still. When I was 8 or 9 we were (relatively) poor. My parents worked full time and struggled with bills and housing costs. I didn't have appropriate shoes for PE, and after weeks and weeks of the PE teacher telling me to bring in shoes (which I didn't have), she bought me trainers. I still remember the shame and humiliation at having to take the shoes. I could never look the PE teacher in the eye again. My mum, seeing the shoes, went red and silent and from thereon, we always had several pairs of shoes - and I have no idea where the money came from, but she must have cut other budgets considerably - including what the school called "PE appropiate". So someone's nice gesture can make the other person feel incredibly small. It's one thing being poor and it's a whole different thing having people realise you are.

If you want to help and do good, do it anonymously and without an expectation of gratitude. Gratitude can be indebting

I think you have done a wonderful thing, if I truly didn’t have money to replace my children’s shoes, I would be extremely grateful and thankful and also offer to pay you the money back when I had the available funds.
It’s likely the mum feels embarrassed about the situation and doesn’t know how to respond.
I was a child who had very little as a child, it was embarrassing as a young girl to wear worn clothes and shoes and clothing which were too small for me. My Dad often glued my school shoes back together and I’d always come home with wet feet.

I think YABU to be annoyed about the lack of thank you from the mum, when the dad has thanked you. Sounds like you want them to be bowing and scraping. It was a bit of an overstep but it should blow over, just don't be weird about it or expect a gold star.

Yes there were alternative options.

Taking someone else’s child to Clarks and buying her a pair of shoes then proudly presenting them to her parents, expecting gratitude, was the worst option. And extremely hurtful!

Every mum knows when their dc needs new shoes. How do you know Sophie’s mum hadn’t got some money together with a view of taking her to buy shoes the following day?

How about supermum mentioning that when she collected Sophie from school she noticed her feet were wet as she has managed to get a hole in her shoe? With a throwaway comment, “Kids this age go thru their shoes quickly don’t they? I feel like I’m forever buying shoes for my little Prudence… tut!” At least she could have given Sophie’s mum the option to say she was either going to buy some in the weekend or she couldn’t afford new shoes.

If the latter it may have been appreciated had OP then offered to buy some shoes from Shoezone (shock! Horror! 😱) to tide her over.

At the very least the holey shoes would have been brought to Sophie’s mums attention.

Had someone bought any of my dc shoes without me knowing about it they would have had the shoes straight back and they would have been wearing the box!!

Yes also I think that buying shoes for your kid is a really personal right of passage. Yes it happens about twice a year but it’s so cute seeing their little face as they skip out the shop in their new shoes. No kid knows whether they’re from Clarkes or Shoezone. They’re just happy to have new shoes. I’d be very sad if someone took my kid to do that - they’re only little for such a short time and that’s a parent’s joy.

Seems like op had good intentions, so I would have just said thank you but if my friend did that I’d probably feel like she thought I was being neglectful and wasn’t parenting up to her standards.

in fact I actually do have a friend who lets her kids feet smush into the ends of their shoes for ages until she sizes up. She literally doesn’t seem to notice whereas I’m like hmmm they’re looking a bit small. But she’s a good mum and loves her kids so I wouldn’t dream of saying anything. When the kids start hobbling she’ll notice.

perhaps what you could’ve done was call and say her shoes have gone and you needed to get your own kids new shoes and thought you could take her as a birthday gift…. Although it’s quite a big gift to be honest if the parents are struggling.

Yeaaaah I’d probably meet and just apologise and say you really hadn’t meant to offend and just thought it would be an easy birthday present and would save them a trip - do NOT mention that it’s because they’re financially struggling.

I never said school should pay for shoes. But if the parents need help clothing their kids then they can be referred to clothing/baby banks etc. There are quite a few round where I live anyway and i regularly donate.

Kid needed shoes. Someone got shoes for them. There should be no problem here.

Sought help? Where from? Do you know how many kids walk around every day in wet feet? Lots of them. I was one, it was normal to me.
Schools do not have money to buy shoes for all these kids. There is no help for most parents.

This is where we disagree.

I think buying a gift is less humilating than calling someone to offer them money.

If i was looking after my friend's kid and their shoes broke, damn right i'd go out and buy them some new ones. I'd be happy to.

The issue here is that sophie's parents have likely sent her to school knowing her shoes were broken and have not either sought help, sent her in other shoes and explained to the school etc.

I don't think pride should be a higher consideration than a child's comfort and safety.

If you humiliate the parents, the kids do not get help either.
I always used to pretend to have a MIL who bought too many clothes and shoes that did not fit, but I could not ask her to refund them as she would get offended. So I would say - these are only going to a charity shop as I can not use them, so please have them.
Playing Lady Bountiful makes you feel better, it does not help the family.

How many visiting children did you have 'for a few days'?

Again in your example, you are operating within boundaries. Loaning clothes to a visitor is nothing like taking someone else's child to a shoe shop and buying them new shoes, with no discussion with the parent.

Children should come first, and I assume OP's friends are doing their best. But regardless, we cannot force (within reason - e.g. the State might step in) other people to provide for their children in the way we deem acceptable, or put them in a position where they need to accept our choices for their children.

I think it was a really lovely thing to do. I think the problem is that there is so much stigmatisation of poverty and people who are struggling that these days, people are likely to feel embarrassed, and worry that such a gift comes from a place of judgement and not natural solidarity. You just don’t get the expression that we are all, or could be, in the same boat. (I think this is the only thing I miss about the 70s).

Op you are kind and did the right thing. Don't be frightened out of doing good deeds, the world honestly needs them.

But little kids don't deserve to live in poverty, risk homelessness or deal with a mouldy flat.

But OP cannot change any of that, sadly.

So of course, Sophie shouldn't have to wear shoes that are falling apart and have wet feet - and if OP wanted to help, and felt she had the right relationship with her friend, she could say straight out: I'd like to give you money to buy shoes for Sophie; I know you probably find this hard but you can pay me back if you wish or not, no need to mention again.

Sure, her friend might still feel embarrassed but she is still being treated with dignity and offered choice.

Little kids don’t deserve to have soaked feet because their shoes are broken either. There were alternatives options.

I'd have done the same if I felt our friendships were close enough. Children come first, a lot seem to have forgotten that. Maybe I'd have been far more subtle but I wouldn't have left a child with holes in their shoes all day.
Thinking back I've done similar on a few occasions years ago, more with clothes of visiting children.
I'm no doubt projecting but I come from a poor family and knew shame around the way I was dressed. My DC were always immaculately turned out. If we had a child staying (for a few days) and were going out, there's no way I'd have taken one out badly dressed, shoes too small, holes in their clothes, etc.

Quite frankly, i don’t really care whether sophie’s mum felt humiliated or not.

Well you should! People do not deserve to be embarrassed or humiliated. Regardless of circumstances.

I know you meant well but I think you overstepped.

Fine would have been to have lent her a pair of your child's shoes if the same size, or to try get her shoes, socks etc as dry as possible while she was in your home.

O

Late to the thread but have read most replies and all of OP's.

OP, I do believe you were acting with good intentions. However, I don't think you have taken on board any of the viewpoints (despite asserting you have). @saraclara nailed it to be honest.

For me, the biggest learning point for you is around boundaries - there are often kind, helpful things we might want to do but they may not be a) what is needed b) wanted or c) appropriate for us / others. In this case, the act of kindness was needed (Sophie needed shoes very badly) but it wasn't wanted or appropriate.

Someone earlier in the the thread said it would be friendship-ending for them, and was accused of over-reacting. It would be for me too, I think.

It's a hard area to navigate - as lovely as it is to care about your friend and her DD and clearly they are in a difficult situation, it's not one you can ultimately fix. Despite the new shoes, you can't resolve their housing or financial issues. If you wanted to help, you could find ways to give her cash in the form of a gift, for example. Yes, it does mean Sophie may continue without any shoes, but what you did took away your friend's agency and dignity, and really tilted the balance of power in your relationship (that's why it would be friendship-ending for me).

I haven't been in your friend's situation - but as a separated (now divorced) mother, I spent over a decade trying to get my ex to support our 3 DC, and despite having a good job, I have really struggled financially at times. I live in an affluent area and the gap between me and others I know often seems significant and hard to watch, and equally all my siblings are very financially comfortable, and have absolutely no clue. I'm very fortunate to have got financial assistance from my parents, and am slowly, post-divorce, making plans to achieve financial stability. I would be extraordinarily sensitive about anyone looking to help me out or pay for something; my siblings are generally blissfully unaware but one did make a kind offer to pay for me & DC to come with them on a weekend break. I explained that I wouldn't be comfortable with this - this was so far out of what I could afford, that accepting this for something non-essential wouldn't feel right. However, if any of my siblings, directly offered e.g. to pay for something for one of my DC, I'd happily accept that. Many years ago, a friend gave me a Christmas present of a small amount of money - that I was happy to accept as it was small enough it could have been a gift (even though we usually did token or no presents) and it subtly gave me money when I really needed it.

It's all about ensuring the boundaries are respected and that's what you have made a mistake about.

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!

😂😂😂 Nice one